a musical interlude

i am, in fact, performing at my dear alma mater, grove city college, on this friday night circa 8:30-9:00 in the evening. it is my Very Own Concert, and i am at once delighted and anxious. the opening act is a girl called kathy mohr, current student of the college; she doesn't have any music up anywhere, which greatly disappoints me. another great disappointment is my utter lack of a compact disc of my tunes to offer to the demanding public. this may, in part, be attributed to my utter lack of motivation for the past 5 months (or 5 years), with the lack of funds, and the lack of connections, and the lack of proper equipment, and the lack of space in our house for the use of the equipment we do have all coming in close behind to create this void that i really had hoped would be filled by now. but hope without action... what is that? or does the very act of hoping predicate an action that at once inspires the hope and gives cause for more? is it actually hope if you merely sit on your chair and state to yourself "i hope for such and such," or must true hope be demonstrated by the proverbial "leap of faith," a step of action into something which you hope will turn out successfully? but i am off the point --

i have been reading a lot, and singing much less, so that my mind is a constant frenzy of thought and my voice a poor lost soul. for lost it has been, on and off since january. this gives reason to the anxious feeling i have in regard to the upcoming show, in addition to the fact that it has been more than a year since i officially performed anywhere. in that time, i seemed to have lost, not only my voice, but some confidence that people actually want to hear me sing my little ditties and play my simple melodies. (the anxiety heightens) there are a few friends whom i am fairly certain still like me, still appreciate my song... but i fear to disappoint, as i am a constant disappointment to myself.

nevertheless, something in me aches to perform. i Long for the Stage, not because i believe i have anything magnificent to offer to the world - no, it is rather a purely selfish motive -- it makes me feel alive.