auditions afflictions and affections

i auditioned! it went fairly well, and it was quite fun. i don't even care much about being cast, but i'm very glad that i auditioned. just taking that step towards something i like made me feel a little better about life. the play takes place in 1943, so i did my hair in a 40s style, and wore a skirt... i was, perhaps, a bit more fancy than the play would require, but i loved having an excuse to dress a character! there really is a part of me that would dress up and play pretend all the time, if only other people wouldn't think i was insane. this is why people are actors, i believe. i guess if you're performing for the entertainment of other people, it validates the fact that you've donned a costume and are traipsing around pretending to be a princess or farmer or what you will -- like a five-year-old.

sometimes i wish i were five years old again. life was good because i didn't know it could be bad. life was simple because there was nothing to complicate it. life was full of promise because i wasn't aware there were things i couldn't do. life was happy because i knew i was loved. nothing had tainted my innocence; i could dream; i could believe.

Jesus said unless you become like a little child you will never come into the kingdom of heaven. i don't think he was just talking about 'salvation' and going to heaven when we die. the Kingdom is the presence of God, and it's here already... that's why John and Jesus proclaimed "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." it's this Life that we aren't living unless we're in the presence of the King. "in the light of the king's face, there is life" He is gazing at us with favor, but we cannot enter it, we cannot see it unless we become like children... the purity of heart*, the unswerving belief... that doesn't mean not questioning - kids ask questions all the time - but there are some truths that don't always make sense to our rational 'grown-up' minds, but we have to accept... or we have to live a life that is less than what we were created for. i'm not trying to present any kind of coherent argument here, i'm just thinking... and i'm thinking that i'm tired of feeling dead and i'm tired of not knowing. i'm sick of doubting and i'm sick of the fear that consumes me. i would rather be consumed with Love. i would rather be consumed by something True, rather than a bunch of lies.

i know a little girl who is five, and she made up this song that has more truth in it than most of the songs i've written:

i know you're here

i know you're true

i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're here
i know you're true
i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're God

i know you are my Father

i know we are your sons and daughters

it's simple... but if you meditate on it and you let the reality of those statements permeate all the walls that growing up builds around your heart, you realize that this is what you wanted all your life. it's what i want to know: that i am a daughter of the King of kings; that everything in his whole kingdom is mine; that He is mine and I am his and nothing nothing nothing can change that. if i knew that - really knew it - i could do anything.
*blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.