because there's nothing else

i'm waiting.

right now, i'm waiting to leave for rehearsal at 6. when i get to rehearsal, i will be waiting for it to be over. this is my life.

yesterday i woke up at 4:30 in the morning. there was no reason. i just woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep. i made some christmas cards. i finally slept again from 8-noon, but it threw off the day a bit. we had a new drummer at youth group. a kid named josh usually plays and he's good and i love him, but now he's just going to run sound. i don't like this other kid - his playing, i mean. i can't even remember his name. i suppose it doesn't matter much since next week will be my last leading worship at youth. january will be filled with The Play, and i can't say whether i'll want to go back after that. the church frustrates me.

The Play is frustrating me, too, to be honest. actually, i'm frustrating me. i'm apparently doing very well. i know my lines. i know the blocking. but i feel like it's not enough. i feel like i need to be pushed to the next level... from good to stunning. i could be stunning as Sybil. leave people speechless. but i don't know how to get there. and apparently, i'm great, so that's good enough. just not good enough for me. maybe it will help when i've got costume and props. maybe. don't get me wrong - it will be a good show, and you should really come to see it. i just... i'm just... tired.

tiiiiiiiiiired. and lonely. and bored out of my mind. i wrote a christmas letter today. you know, how some people send out those newsletters to all the people they never see or talk to that tell about what they've been doing all year. i haven't been doing much, but i thought sending a nice note to some friends i don't talk with much might be nice... until my sister came in and ruined it. she said that everyone would make fun of me if i sent out a 'newsletter'. she said the reason people send them out is to brag about their kids, and i don't have any kids. she gave me a look that said i was a crazy loser. so i guess i'm not doing that anymore. i probably never will. i never really liked newsletters anyway. i mean, my mom has been sending one out with her christmas cards for as long as i can remember, so it just feels like what you do at christmastime. but i think it's kind of impersonal. then again, who has time to write a personal letter to each of your old friends/acquaintances/family members, especially at christmas, especially when you have a family, and especially when you might say the same thing to everyone anyway because what could you possibly say to someone you haven't communicated with for years except at christmas?

anyway.

i think maybe i'll go now. leave early, get a movie from the library, stop at starbucks and spend an obscene amount of money on a coffee beverage, read through my scenes, rehearse, come home, watch the movie, go to sleep, hope that somehow there will be something more exciting to do tomorrow. maybe i should bake a pie.