across the universe

the only good thing about me going to play at grove city last night is that, by some random act of fate, a boy named adam black, a freshman at gcc - from england (how did that happen?) - played after me. trained in classical guitar, needless to say, brilliant, and his songs... were amazing to me. you could check out his myspace, but it really doesn't compare. the only negative was that he didn't really have an accent.
my performance wasn't nearly as good, but i don't want to discuss it... i was completely off. i felt like crap. i don't know what to say. i disappointed myself, and i don't really want to play music anymore. there are others who can do it better. end of discussion.
i stayed talking with j until 1am last night, which was nice, to have a friend again. but i didn't get home til 2... and slept til noon today. and then i went out. i had to go out. i couldn't spend another day sitting in my house. i went to borders because i thought maybe they would have a book i've had a desire to read. emily of new moon, etc. i know, it's somewhat of a kid's book. i've read it before, of course, (at age 12 most likely) - it's actually a series of 3 books and the library used to have them, but doesn't anymore. nowhere does. and i want to read them. i don't know why, sometimes you just need to reread books that meant something to you. and they did... emily was a writer, and her best friend were an actress and musician... they were all creative and it was lovely. and i just wanted to escape into a simple world in which things work out. but borders didn't have them. so i went to a movie instead.
i thought it might be a weird thing to go to the movie theatre alone. but this is my life. and i needed this film. so in i went, to the very last theater room in the building, to see across the universe. it was well worth it. plus i didn't feel so bad about being alone because there was only one other person in the theater - an older woman. the film was absolutely brilliant - a little trippy, but that is to be expected. if you haven't heard of it, it is the "story behind the beatles' songs," centered around jude and lucy. and if that doesn't make sense or you don't know the beatles, then i cannot help you. in fact, probably no one can. reminded me a bit of moulin rouge, perhaps because of the weirdness and the singing and the love story, perhaps because jim sturgess' voice was reminiscent of ewan macgregor's, especially at the very beginning. i loved him though (jim sturgess aka "jude") ...but why are all the actors i like named james? (except for edward norton... but i like him because i think he's a great actor, not because i find him attractive...)
anyway.
so when my sister found out that i had gone to see across the universe today, I found out that she went to see it last weekend with her friend kt. "but i was still going to go with you" she said, after giving me a look that said "you're pathetic because you went to the movies alone." what a great sister. i mean, really. but i'm past being upset... i'm just hurt. and i don't understand why my family seems to disdain me even more than... well, there really is no one else, so there's nothing left to say here. i'm done.

a musical interlude

i am, in fact, performing at my dear alma mater, grove city college, on this friday night circa 8:30-9:00 in the evening. it is my Very Own Concert, and i am at once delighted and anxious. the opening act is a girl called kathy mohr, current student of the college; she doesn't have any music up anywhere, which greatly disappoints me. another great disappointment is my utter lack of a compact disc of my tunes to offer to the demanding public. this may, in part, be attributed to my utter lack of motivation for the past 5 months (or 5 years), with the lack of funds, and the lack of connections, and the lack of proper equipment, and the lack of space in our house for the use of the equipment we do have all coming in close behind to create this void that i really had hoped would be filled by now. but hope without action... what is that? or does the very act of hoping predicate an action that at once inspires the hope and gives cause for more? is it actually hope if you merely sit on your chair and state to yourself "i hope for such and such," or must true hope be demonstrated by the proverbial "leap of faith," a step of action into something which you hope will turn out successfully? but i am off the point --

i have been reading a lot, and singing much less, so that my mind is a constant frenzy of thought and my voice a poor lost soul. for lost it has been, on and off since january. this gives reason to the anxious feeling i have in regard to the upcoming show, in addition to the fact that it has been more than a year since i officially performed anywhere. in that time, i seemed to have lost, not only my voice, but some confidence that people actually want to hear me sing my little ditties and play my simple melodies. (the anxiety heightens) there are a few friends whom i am fairly certain still like me, still appreciate my song... but i fear to disappoint, as i am a constant disappointment to myself.

nevertheless, something in me aches to perform. i Long for the Stage, not because i believe i have anything magnificent to offer to the world - no, it is rather a purely selfish motive -- it makes me feel alive.

quote of the day

only the shallow know themselves. -- oscar wilde

this might be my new favorite quote. it encourages me...

a-words

i'm angry.
my sister gave me every impression that today, after i picked her up from class, we would go to see across the universe, which was recommended very highly to me. i was very much looking forward to this - it's been a loong time since i've been to the movie theatre. i saw harry potter and the order of the phoenix in july... and before that i cannot recall being to the movies since december last. also, i enjoy spending time with my sister, and lately she has been very moody and avoidant. i was looking forward to being able to have fun with her since she mostly stays in her room, and answers rudely when i try to speak to her. now, i know that sometimes i am not very kind to her either, but it's been weeks... and i don't have any other friends. for some reason she seems to resent me for not having a life - she frequently chastises me about getting a job, and why don't i go make some friends, and get a boyfriend to take me out. she's 18, and meets all three of those criteria. i meet none. needless to say, i don't need reminding of my lack of a valid existence, and certainly not by my little sister. what i need - - what i need, is a friend. or serious psychological help. she would probably agree with the latter.

i'm alone.
and i desperately desire companionship. that doesn't mean i'm desperate, nor would i act in a desperate fashion in order to gain a companion. i won't join eharmony, i won't go pick up a guy in a bar... oh, it's not even that i really need a male companion (i.e., boyfriend), but the lack of friends of either gender is making the "significant other" void more keenly felt. that, and i watched the holiday a few times last weekend... and, as much as i try not to be a hopeless romantic idealist, i'm tired of the only contact with men i have being someone 4 years younger than me, or someone i can only talk to online, or... my father.

gah! i'm frustrated with myself for even feeling all this. but there you have it - i'm angry. i'm alone. but soon, the anger will subside and i will be left simply... alone.

october 11th

when i awoke this morning, my first thought was "i wonder what the date is because i really have no idea." (that tends to happen when you don't do anything with your life, you forget what day it is because they're all the same... all one endless empty existence...) so, i groped around the nightstand for my phone, and saw that it was October 11. my second thought was, "October 11th... my birthday is October 11th... wait, no it isn't... why am i thinking this?" i then proceeded to view, in my mind, the scene from the parent trap where hallie and annie discover they are sisters. it goes a little something like this:

hallie: if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad, and we're both born on october 11th, then you and i are, like, sisters!
annie: sisters? hallie, we're, like, twins!!!!!

WHY do i know this? there's a very simple explanation... when i was about 12, my cousin and i watched this movie 50gagillion times, and m-e-m-o-r-i-z-e-d it. obviously, it stuck. we used to act it out. of course, it was a bit unrealistic, since we didn't look anything alike and my cousin was like 4 feet shorter than me and neither of us were born on october 11...

tomorrow night i'm sleeping over her house because her family will be out of town. i think the last time i spent the night with her was when i visited her at kent state (like 2 years ago!) and we tried to both sleep in her tiny twin bed! didn't work out too well, needless to say. perhaps tomorrow we can resurrect all of our parent trap memories... what fun that will be.

nothing better to do but tell the unconcerned public about my life

hmm.

many thoughts swirl through the mind. why was i going to write a blog post/ ......my shift keys are broken. so are the ctrl keys. i'm not sure what happened. this presents a problem in many ways. first, it prohibits me from asking questions, expressing excitement, telling you what someone else said, abbreviating the word 'and', using proper nouns, making parenthetical statements, smiling... second, which just occurred to me, i may not be able to log on to my computer. you know, press ctrl alt delete to log on... if ctrl doesn't work, what will i do - wait, that was a question, rephrase - i don't know what i will do.

parenthetical statement - i used to think that 'ctrl' stood for 'central' rather than 'control'. don't ask me why. it just seemed logical. no one ever told me what it meant... they just expect you to know. why do they have to abbreviate it anyway - they write out the word 'delete'. maybe there's a 6-character limit on what can go on computer keys. - end thought

i've remembered why i came.

it's homecoming week at grove city college. i shall be attending the campus festivities this saturday, although, ironically enough, probably won't be at the football game. i'm excited to spend some time with my sorority sisters/old suitemates; however, there are a few things that cause a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think of the coming weekend... the main thing = actually being back on campus. this may sound strange to some, i.e., those who thoroughly enjoyed their college experience. i am not one of those, and it is creates a slight disturbance to think of intentionally placing myself back in the setting of the worst four years of my existence. meaning, i feel like puking.

it's not really as awful as i make it sound... i'm sure i'll be fine, i'm sure i'll have fun. it's just that painful memories have an annoying habit of coming up when you don't want them to... and i'd rather not be around things that are most certainly going to trigger those thoughts. surely you understand what i mean.

i won't bother myself about it too much after writing this. i discovered some wonderful new music last night. ian mcintosh. i have been listening to such beauty and awakened all day, and trying to figure out the piano. if i could write beautiful things like that... oh, how i want to write. but i am having trouble knowing how to express my current state of being. of course, it doesn't help that i go for weeks without playing.

speaking of music and grove city college... i'm probably going to do a show there sometime soon. perhaps in a couple weeks. i'm sure you will want to come and hear me sing. i do wish i had a band...

i think i've reached a crossroads. i think i've been standing at it for a while, ignoring the fact that i need to choose a direction. nevertheless, here i am... and there are many roads before me... the decision is difficult simply because i do not know what all the roads are. no, i don't mean, where do they lead - that cannot be known. but what are the options... what do i want to pursue... of that i remain uncertain, as my hesitation to choose a path demonstrates clearly.

i think that's enough for today. if i get some comments, it might encourage me to write more. blogging has been something i do mostly to relieve boredom, or to distract me from a task at hand. today it is the former. i think i'll go play piano now...