passing the time

do you know what i did today? i sorted pennies. for real. over 2thousand 2hundred and fifty pennies. i sorted them into decades - 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s - and then i rolled them. got $22, 1 penny from every year starting in 1950, and some from before that. my oldest is from 1909. does this sound interesting? i assure you it's not. although, i am fascinated by "old" things - antique, ancient, vintage. i don't know many romantics who wouldn't rather find themselves caught up in some decade past than the modern era in which they live. it's easy to romanticize the past, even though it almost certainly was not much better than the present, and in many cases, probably worse. i suppose one could blame media - books, films - for creating a picture of the past that's more beautiful than true... but even without these depictions, i think there would still be those of us who would imagine history as pure adventure and true romance, while ignoring the mundane details of everyday life that were as real then as they are now. those are the people that write the books and make the films! and to them it doesn't matter that the past was full of pain and hardship and sorrow, because they look through all that and see a beauty that's deeper than pain, and that is what they want to show the world...... and perhaps it doesn't matter that the present is full of the same; there is beauty here, too...

and maybe the beauty of sorting all those pennies isn't in the tedious nature of the task or the fact that your back aches from hunching over for so many hours, but in the moment of childlike joy and excitement when you read the date "1944" or "1913" and gasp with delight at the treasure... the one cent treasure that's somehow worth more than that just because you discovered it, in the old jar of pennies your grandfather left you. maybe it's silly... but that's what i did.

my current celebrity crush

i cannot stop watching this clip because i am a romantic and he's british and he's singing and i love the expression on his face when he sings that first verse "mm mm mm mmhmmm"

it's too bad these things don't happen in real life...

yesssss!

woohooooo! just got the call. and i was offered the role of "sybil" in the cover of LIFE! this is very exciting. here is the character description: oldest, flashy, "sophisticated" or "fast" in her crowd. translation: she's a bit of a lush, probably smokes, 'sexy'... (i have a feeling it will be a bit reminiscent of "anita" in west side story) but it's a part to play, and it will be fun. the cast is 6 women and 1 man, so the dynamics will be different than i've experienced before, and i'm interested to see who else is in it. the play runs the last 3 weekends of january, so at least i have something to do for the next 2.5 months. anyway, just wanted to let all you dedicated blog readers know. :)

auditions afflictions and affections

i auditioned! it went fairly well, and it was quite fun. i don't even care much about being cast, but i'm very glad that i auditioned. just taking that step towards something i like made me feel a little better about life. the play takes place in 1943, so i did my hair in a 40s style, and wore a skirt... i was, perhaps, a bit more fancy than the play would require, but i loved having an excuse to dress a character! there really is a part of me that would dress up and play pretend all the time, if only other people wouldn't think i was insane. this is why people are actors, i believe. i guess if you're performing for the entertainment of other people, it validates the fact that you've donned a costume and are traipsing around pretending to be a princess or farmer or what you will -- like a five-year-old.

sometimes i wish i were five years old again. life was good because i didn't know it could be bad. life was simple because there was nothing to complicate it. life was full of promise because i wasn't aware there were things i couldn't do. life was happy because i knew i was loved. nothing had tainted my innocence; i could dream; i could believe.

Jesus said unless you become like a little child you will never come into the kingdom of heaven. i don't think he was just talking about 'salvation' and going to heaven when we die. the Kingdom is the presence of God, and it's here already... that's why John and Jesus proclaimed "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." it's this Life that we aren't living unless we're in the presence of the King. "in the light of the king's face, there is life" He is gazing at us with favor, but we cannot enter it, we cannot see it unless we become like children... the purity of heart*, the unswerving belief... that doesn't mean not questioning - kids ask questions all the time - but there are some truths that don't always make sense to our rational 'grown-up' minds, but we have to accept... or we have to live a life that is less than what we were created for. i'm not trying to present any kind of coherent argument here, i'm just thinking... and i'm thinking that i'm tired of feeling dead and i'm tired of not knowing. i'm sick of doubting and i'm sick of the fear that consumes me. i would rather be consumed with Love. i would rather be consumed by something True, rather than a bunch of lies.

i know a little girl who is five, and she made up this song that has more truth in it than most of the songs i've written:

i know you're here

i know you're true

i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're here
i know you're true
i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're God

i know you are my Father

i know we are your sons and daughters

it's simple... but if you meditate on it and you let the reality of those statements permeate all the walls that growing up builds around your heart, you realize that this is what you wanted all your life. it's what i want to know: that i am a daughter of the King of kings; that everything in his whole kingdom is mine; that He is mine and I am his and nothing nothing nothing can change that. if i knew that - really knew it - i could do anything.
*blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

remember, remember the fifth of november

the gunpowder treason and plot
i see no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot

i love guy fawkes day, if only because of V for Vendetta. i plan to watch the film this evening (with my father... my sister, whom i originally thought would celebrate with me, is once again abandoning me to watch the film with kt & friends), and i plan to make this bonfire toffee, and i plan to blow something up, which is really what we should all do on this day. just don't hurt anyone or blow up anything too important.

another thing i was going to do today is audition for the cover of LIFE at tnt, but then i got a call from a woman at church asking if i'd be in the little christmas play they're doing because a girl dropped out - rehearsal is this evening. i agreed because, even though it's just a little play and a little part, it is something. and i need that. plus, i can audition for the other play on thursday.

~

it is now much later and i have accomplished most of what i set out to do on this fifth of november. all except to blow something up... perhaps with a bit more planning i can fulfill that task by the next november the fifth. however, the toffee was delicious, the film was excellent, and even the rehearsal was all right (i only have about 5 lines, but that's okay - someday soon i'll have more).

i would like to write more intellectual philosophical things about ideas and oppression and revolution and maybe about how watching V this time made me think of Fatherland, one of my favorite novels. but all these thoughts churning in the ocean of my mind prove difficult to transform into a coherent river of rationalization - words phrases paragraphs exposition... as usual not my strong point. so i'll crawl into my bed and let my mind take me away into eventual dreams, where things make sense even when they don't.