this is my last post of 2007. i would love to sit and reflect on the year, maybe take some of those silly surveys that everyone always posts on blogs and give you lots of useless information about my life in the 07. but i don't have time. i'm going to pittsburgh to spend the day/night with my friend shara, her husband joe, and some of his friends that i don't know. shara's very glad that i'm coming, and i'm glad too. it will be good to have a girlfriend to catch up with and talk to... i've been lacking that the past couple weeks, and it's been a really bad thing... no one to spill all the stuff about guys to, so i've been holding it all in, and i'm about ready to explode.
one thing i always think about on new years eve is the stereotypical midnight kiss. who decided that should be a tradition? and why? i have never been kissed on new year's eve, so i can't help thinking about it. is it really any more exciting than kissing at any other time? i hate that this is in my mind, but i'm a hopeless romantic, so there it is. maybe in 5 (million) years i'll find out.
anyway, i'm looking forward to 2008. i think it has a lot of potential to be the greatest year yet. celebrating the new year is so cool... to acknowledge that you get a new start, a chance to change, turn over a new leaf. granted, you could have that any time you wanted, but to be offered it like this, is kind of nice. i don't usually make new years resolutions because i know myself and know i wouldn't keep them. but it's time for some changes in my life. it's time to let go of some things, time to pick up others, and embrace life instead of letting it pass me by. ready? set. (deep breath) go.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, December 28, 2007
i wrote a song last night
[astonished silence]
now, you may not think that this is an incredible feat for an accomplished songwriter like myself (sarcasm) however this is the first song i have written in 4 months. i think it is amazing that i even felt like writing, because, in case i didn't mention it on this blog, i kinda gave up on music a couple months ago. after a not-so-great performance at gcc, i told myself i was done... and i didn't realize until weeks and weeks later that i hadn't since touched the piano or thought about singing or playing, let alone writing... and i would feel a twinge of sadness, and some voice that probably wasn't actually me would remind me that i couldn't do it anyway.
but this is proof that all it takes is one person to restore your hope in lost dreams. they don't even have to tell you how talented you are (you wouldn't hear that) or encourage you to pursue those dreams (you already determined their futility), but simply make you feel that you are worth spending time with, you are worth getting to know. that the well of your soul is good enough to take a drink from, the depths of it interesting enough to explore. and then you remember that you can. and suddenly you're laughing more than you have in 4 months, and then you're writing a song. :) perhaps i'll post the lyrics once i touch up the chorus a bit... or maybe i can make a bad-quality recording and post that, just so you can hear it.
now, you may not think that this is an incredible feat for an accomplished songwriter like myself (sarcasm) however this is the first song i have written in 4 months. i think it is amazing that i even felt like writing, because, in case i didn't mention it on this blog, i kinda gave up on music a couple months ago. after a not-so-great performance at gcc, i told myself i was done... and i didn't realize until weeks and weeks later that i hadn't since touched the piano or thought about singing or playing, let alone writing... and i would feel a twinge of sadness, and some voice that probably wasn't actually me would remind me that i couldn't do it anyway.
but this is proof that all it takes is one person to restore your hope in lost dreams. they don't even have to tell you how talented you are (you wouldn't hear that) or encourage you to pursue those dreams (you already determined their futility), but simply make you feel that you are worth spending time with, you are worth getting to know. that the well of your soul is good enough to take a drink from, the depths of it interesting enough to explore. and then you remember that you can. and suddenly you're laughing more than you have in 4 months, and then you're writing a song. :) perhaps i'll post the lyrics once i touch up the chorus a bit... or maybe i can make a bad-quality recording and post that, just so you can hear it.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
just one reason i love you
one thing i love about iPod (besides the fact that it fits in your pocket, can hold your entire music library, and is simply beautiful) is that it can go shopping with you, and you can feel more comfortable than you ever have felt shopping before you had iPod. you don't think so much about agoraphobia; you smile more at people because you feel relaxed and happy, listening to your favorite tunes. at least, i do.
i always hated being at the mall, or in a crowded store. but this morning i woke up at 6:30am (why? why? why? i didn't even go to sleep until 3a!) and when i had failed to fall back to sleep by 8:30, i decided to venture out into the world and return the christmas gifts that just didn't suit me. i stayed out until almost 2p - taking my time, browsing, walking, singing to myself (not out loud). i didn't mind picking out clothes, i didn't get frustrated with trying them on... i even bought a few things (no shoes though, which is unfortunate because i do need shoes). you might think this is completely ridiculous, but if you had ever been shopping with me, you would know it is almost miraculous that i had such a delightful time. and i have iPod to thank. i just knew there was a reason i needed one. now we know.
i always hated being at the mall, or in a crowded store. but this morning i woke up at 6:30am (why? why? why? i didn't even go to sleep until 3a!) and when i had failed to fall back to sleep by 8:30, i decided to venture out into the world and return the christmas gifts that just didn't suit me. i stayed out until almost 2p - taking my time, browsing, walking, singing to myself (not out loud). i didn't mind picking out clothes, i didn't get frustrated with trying them on... i even bought a few things (no shoes though, which is unfortunate because i do need shoes). you might think this is completely ridiculous, but if you had ever been shopping with me, you would know it is almost miraculous that i had such a delightful time. and i have iPod to thank. i just knew there was a reason i needed one. now we know.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
surprises
i got an iPod nano for christmas! can i tell you how excited i am? i'm very excited. i realize i might be the only 23 year old person who has not to date owned an mp3 player, but now my longtime dream has come true. i wasn't sure that i liked the new nano, but now that i own it, i LOVE it so much. i must think of its name...
this was such a delightful surprise and has restored some of my childlike excitment about this holiday. my christmas 'list' this year went something like this:
MacBook, iPod (nano), Piano, Clothes, Boyfriend, Freedom from student loan debt, etc, etc... so i wasn't really expecting to get any of it. :) but now i have! and it is wonderful.
i'm going to ponder names... probably something foreign...
!!! :) !!!
this was such a delightful surprise and has restored some of my childlike excitment about this holiday. my christmas 'list' this year went something like this:
MacBook, iPod (nano), Piano, Clothes, Boyfriend, Freedom from student loan debt, etc, etc... so i wasn't really expecting to get any of it. :) but now i have! and it is wonderful.
i'm going to ponder names... probably something foreign...
!!! :) !!!
Sunday, December 23, 2007
the ghost of christmas plays past, and present
it's almost christmas... that makes me think of a song from a christmas play we used to do at church back in the day. "whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, and i'm feeling so excited that i just can't be denying it, whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, oh i just can't wait until it's christmastime (da da da dun dun dada dun dun da)" the play was Christmas with Colby. Colby was a computer that all these kids were friends with. we danced and sang and had a grand ol' time. i was in it for 2 years when i was 11 and 12, i think. my uncle frank played Colby, and my dearest wish was to sing a duet with my favorite uncle! ...but i never got my wish. i'm still a bit sad about it, really.
we always had huge, wonderful christmas productions at church in those days, and quite talented people acting and singing in them, too. after the Colby years i got the lead in The Christmas Post. i shared it with a girl named shaina. 2 performances for her and 2 for me. it was great though. we were newsies. and we both had a crush on this young guy that was in it (of course we were like 13-14, and he was probably 18-19 at the time), and shaina dated him, and my little heart was broken. no, i guess not really broken, just a little disappointed. :)
speaking of young love and broken hearts, there are three weddings coming up next weekend... not to mention all the people getting... engaged and stuff... and i am once again faced with the lonely thought that it will never happen for me. i'm almost glad that i am unable to make it to the sunday wedding because of a double rehearsal. two on saturday is going to be more than enough, especially - well... i feel almost like sybil, asking, what is wrong with me? why am i not good enough? why do [other people] get to find romance and happiness and i am left alone with my pain?
enough with the pity.
so, tonight is the christmas play at church, and what a change it is from the plays of old. let's just say the quality of performance has decreased significantly over the years. yet, i happen to be in this one - playing a poor distraught young wife whose mother-in-law hates her. i only have about 7 lines near the end of the show. i hope it goes well for the sake of the people involved, and the audience - i am praying for a miracle. ;) maybe someday i'll go to a church that does amazing dramas - like mosaic (their dances are awesome - search youtube for mosaic church) - but for now i'll just have to look back and recall, with bittersweet fondness, the days of yore, when music and fine arts were upheld with excellence at pleasant valley. perhaps, one day, those days will return... an unlikely dream. then again, i do know a God who does impossible things.
we always had huge, wonderful christmas productions at church in those days, and quite talented people acting and singing in them, too. after the Colby years i got the lead in The Christmas Post. i shared it with a girl named shaina. 2 performances for her and 2 for me. it was great though. we were newsies. and we both had a crush on this young guy that was in it (of course we were like 13-14, and he was probably 18-19 at the time), and shaina dated him, and my little heart was broken. no, i guess not really broken, just a little disappointed. :)
speaking of young love and broken hearts, there are three weddings coming up next weekend... not to mention all the people getting... engaged and stuff... and i am once again faced with the lonely thought that it will never happen for me. i'm almost glad that i am unable to make it to the sunday wedding because of a double rehearsal. two on saturday is going to be more than enough, especially - well... i feel almost like sybil, asking, what is wrong with me? why am i not good enough? why do [other people] get to find romance and happiness and i am left alone with my pain?
enough with the pity.
so, tonight is the christmas play at church, and what a change it is from the plays of old. let's just say the quality of performance has decreased significantly over the years. yet, i happen to be in this one - playing a poor distraught young wife whose mother-in-law hates her. i only have about 7 lines near the end of the show. i hope it goes well for the sake of the people involved, and the audience - i am praying for a miracle. ;) maybe someday i'll go to a church that does amazing dramas - like mosaic (their dances are awesome - search youtube for mosaic church) - but for now i'll just have to look back and recall, with bittersweet fondness, the days of yore, when music and fine arts were upheld with excellence at pleasant valley. perhaps, one day, those days will return... an unlikely dream. then again, i do know a God who does impossible things.
Monday, December 17, 2007
nonsense
rehearsal was cancelled today because of the blustery winter weather. i was so happy... u n t i l i realized that i had nothing else to do. all 2 of my nearby friends were going to christmas parties, and since the weather was bad, i couldn't take a long drive to see anyone else. i should have used the time productively and finished my christmas cards, and worked on lines and character development. hahahahaha. but i didn't.
i did look at all my matches on eharmony.com though. yes, i took the obscenely long personality profile, and while some parts of it described me well, i felt that others were way (or at least a little) off. i'm not actually planning to pay them money and join and meet the love of my life. i decided i want to marry a foreign guy anyway - - possibly british, or australian, maybe even irish - as long as they have a hot accent. then, if we decided to have kids, they would be adorable accent-having kids. oh, yes, so, eharmony. my cousin joined it and claimed it was hilarious to look at the people's profiles they matched you with. i didn't find it all that amusing... maybe i'm just in a desperate place where i find myself seriously evaluating every male i come in contact with for potential relationship qualities. i seriously need some friends.
i went to a new church this morning. i met the worship leader last week, and he is talented, so i decided to check it out. the music was far better than my family's church has been, but the message didn't do much for me. about 2 sentences in, i found myself wishing i was at bethel. i don't know if it's wrong for me to dislike sermons that don't blow your mind with revelation. i realize that the simple foundational stuff is important and sometimes we need to be reminded of it... but if a preacher, a church doesn't ever move beyond that into a deeper revelation of who God is and what He's saying... then -what? i mean, we're supposed to grow in faith, right? not just find a plateau of faith to hang out on for the rest of our lives. but if you never challenge people with more of God than they can handle/comprehend at the moment, then how will they ever know or want more? how will they grow? paul prayed for the ephesians to have "the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know [God] better." bethel has that. bill johnson and kris valloton and the people at bethel know God (i wish that "know" was in the Greek present tense so it would mean, they are in the continual process of knowing God), and because of that, the things they say are... amazing. it stretches my realm of comprehension, my faith, and makes me want to search and discover that truth for myself, to pursue God more passionately because when i hear things i don't understand it reminds me that God is GOD and he is bigger than we realize. i could say a whole lot more about this, but it might just be all jumbly thoughts. i seriously need real people to talk to.
anyway... the main reason i started writing was to post this:
The Cover of Life at Trumbull New Theatre
January 11, 12, 13; 18, 19, 20; 25, 26, 27
Friday & Saturday 8p; Sunday 3p
also, it might be important to note that January 16 is my birthday, so be sure to send your presents to my home address, or just bring them with you when you come to see the play. :) and now i'm going to bed, even though i might not be able to sleep because i seem to have insomnia lately.
i did look at all my matches on eharmony.com though. yes, i took the obscenely long personality profile, and while some parts of it described me well, i felt that others were way (or at least a little) off. i'm not actually planning to pay them money and join and meet the love of my life. i decided i want to marry a foreign guy anyway - - possibly british, or australian, maybe even irish - as long as they have a hot accent. then, if we decided to have kids, they would be adorable accent-having kids. oh, yes, so, eharmony. my cousin joined it and claimed it was hilarious to look at the people's profiles they matched you with. i didn't find it all that amusing... maybe i'm just in a desperate place where i find myself seriously evaluating every male i come in contact with for potential relationship qualities. i seriously need some friends.
i went to a new church this morning. i met the worship leader last week, and he is talented, so i decided to check it out. the music was far better than my family's church has been, but the message didn't do much for me. about 2 sentences in, i found myself wishing i was at bethel. i don't know if it's wrong for me to dislike sermons that don't blow your mind with revelation. i realize that the simple foundational stuff is important and sometimes we need to be reminded of it... but if a preacher, a church doesn't ever move beyond that into a deeper revelation of who God is and what He's saying... then -what? i mean, we're supposed to grow in faith, right? not just find a plateau of faith to hang out on for the rest of our lives. but if you never challenge people with more of God than they can handle/comprehend at the moment, then how will they ever know or want more? how will they grow? paul prayed for the ephesians to have "the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know [God] better." bethel has that. bill johnson and kris valloton and the people at bethel know God (i wish that "know" was in the Greek present tense so it would mean, they are in the continual process of knowing God), and because of that, the things they say are... amazing. it stretches my realm of comprehension, my faith, and makes me want to search and discover that truth for myself, to pursue God more passionately because when i hear things i don't understand it reminds me that God is GOD and he is bigger than we realize. i could say a whole lot more about this, but it might just be all jumbly thoughts. i seriously need real people to talk to.
anyway... the main reason i started writing was to post this:
The Cover of Life at Trumbull New Theatre
January 11, 12, 13; 18, 19, 20; 25, 26, 27
Friday & Saturday 8p; Sunday 3p
also, it might be important to note that January 16 is my birthday, so be sure to send your presents to my home address, or just bring them with you when you come to see the play. :) and now i'm going to bed, even though i might not be able to sleep because i seem to have insomnia lately.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
because there's nothing else
i'm waiting.
right now, i'm waiting to leave for rehearsal at 6. when i get to rehearsal, i will be waiting for it to be over. this is my life.
yesterday i woke up at 4:30 in the morning. there was no reason. i just woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep. i made some christmas cards. i finally slept again from 8-noon, but it threw off the day a bit. we had a new drummer at youth group. a kid named josh usually plays and he's good and i love him, but now he's just going to run sound. i don't like this other kid - his playing, i mean. i can't even remember his name. i suppose it doesn't matter much since next week will be my last leading worship at youth. january will be filled with The Play, and i can't say whether i'll want to go back after that. the church frustrates me.
The Play is frustrating me, too, to be honest. actually, i'm frustrating me. i'm apparently doing very well. i know my lines. i know the blocking. but i feel like it's not enough. i feel like i need to be pushed to the next level... from good to stunning. i could be stunning as Sybil. leave people speechless. but i don't know how to get there. and apparently, i'm great, so that's good enough. just not good enough for me. maybe it will help when i've got costume and props. maybe. don't get me wrong - it will be a good show, and you should really come to see it. i just... i'm just... tired.
tiiiiiiiiiired. and lonely. and bored out of my mind. i wrote a christmas letter today. you know, how some people send out those newsletters to all the people they never see or talk to that tell about what they've been doing all year. i haven't been doing much, but i thought sending a nice note to some friends i don't talk with much might be nice... until my sister came in and ruined it. she said that everyone would make fun of me if i sent out a 'newsletter'. she said the reason people send them out is to brag about their kids, and i don't have any kids. she gave me a look that said i was a crazy loser. so i guess i'm not doing that anymore. i probably never will. i never really liked newsletters anyway. i mean, my mom has been sending one out with her christmas cards for as long as i can remember, so it just feels like what you do at christmastime. but i think it's kind of impersonal. then again, who has time to write a personal letter to each of your old friends/acquaintances/family members, especially at christmas, especially when you have a family, and especially when you might say the same thing to everyone anyway because what could you possibly say to someone you haven't communicated with for years except at christmas?
anyway.
i think maybe i'll go now. leave early, get a movie from the library, stop at starbucks and spend an obscene amount of money on a coffee beverage, read through my scenes, rehearse, come home, watch the movie, go to sleep, hope that somehow there will be something more exciting to do tomorrow. maybe i should bake a pie.
right now, i'm waiting to leave for rehearsal at 6. when i get to rehearsal, i will be waiting for it to be over. this is my life.
yesterday i woke up at 4:30 in the morning. there was no reason. i just woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep. i made some christmas cards. i finally slept again from 8-noon, but it threw off the day a bit. we had a new drummer at youth group. a kid named josh usually plays and he's good and i love him, but now he's just going to run sound. i don't like this other kid - his playing, i mean. i can't even remember his name. i suppose it doesn't matter much since next week will be my last leading worship at youth. january will be filled with The Play, and i can't say whether i'll want to go back after that. the church frustrates me.
The Play is frustrating me, too, to be honest. actually, i'm frustrating me. i'm apparently doing very well. i know my lines. i know the blocking. but i feel like it's not enough. i feel like i need to be pushed to the next level... from good to stunning. i could be stunning as Sybil. leave people speechless. but i don't know how to get there. and apparently, i'm great, so that's good enough. just not good enough for me. maybe it will help when i've got costume and props. maybe. don't get me wrong - it will be a good show, and you should really come to see it. i just... i'm just... tired.
tiiiiiiiiiired. and lonely. and bored out of my mind. i wrote a christmas letter today. you know, how some people send out those newsletters to all the people they never see or talk to that tell about what they've been doing all year. i haven't been doing much, but i thought sending a nice note to some friends i don't talk with much might be nice... until my sister came in and ruined it. she said that everyone would make fun of me if i sent out a 'newsletter'. she said the reason people send them out is to brag about their kids, and i don't have any kids. she gave me a look that said i was a crazy loser. so i guess i'm not doing that anymore. i probably never will. i never really liked newsletters anyway. i mean, my mom has been sending one out with her christmas cards for as long as i can remember, so it just feels like what you do at christmastime. but i think it's kind of impersonal. then again, who has time to write a personal letter to each of your old friends/acquaintances/family members, especially at christmas, especially when you have a family, and especially when you might say the same thing to everyone anyway because what could you possibly say to someone you haven't communicated with for years except at christmas?
anyway.
i think maybe i'll go now. leave early, get a movie from the library, stop at starbucks and spend an obscene amount of money on a coffee beverage, read through my scenes, rehearse, come home, watch the movie, go to sleep, hope that somehow there will be something more exciting to do tomorrow. maybe i should bake a pie.
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