almost as if there was an unconscious stream of discouragement saying: don't speak up. don't say what you think. don't do that! people will think you're weird and awkward. don't be yourself. you are weird and awkward. don't dance. don't sing. don't let go. don't let yourself feel that. you aren't good enough for that. don't tell him that. don't give yourself a chance. don't laugh. don't cry. don't ask. and definitely don't fall in love.
WHY?
i get frustrated, thinking about this. why can't i just be myself? why can't i let go of the past? let go of fear? just LET GO (in the sense of releasing of things i've held onto and also to stop restraining myself from doing/saying/being what i want to). it's weird because there are times when i do feel confident, and feel good about who i am. i'm unique. people like me. it's not like i'm completely insecure... only a little... sometimes... :( ugh! and i hate it! and i hate that i'm always with these people who have strong/outgoing personalities (note: i don't hate the people, i love them*, obviously, or they wouldn't be my best friends) and when we're alone it's fine, but when i'm around other people with them i shrink. it's easy. i just step back and stay in their shadow, which in certain situations is okay, but usually it is not. because it makes me feel... insignificant, out of place... and i'm not blaming the others at all... i'm blaming myself - for not knowing or liking or being who i am, for not engaging other people, for letting myself disappear. i know i'll never have a dominant personality, and i don't want to... i just want to be me, and not feel so damn uncomfortable about it. sorry. sorry for this emotional vomit i just spewed all over the blogosphere. it's not really as big a deal as it sounds in this paragraph. i'm just expressing myself. i'm letting go, right? that's what i need to do more.
rehearsal actually went very well. i found that listening to dirty rap and dancing around my room really helps me loosen up and feel good... sexy. which was how i needed to feel to rock Sybil. ha! i've got a playlist of songs like stronger, guaya guaya, cyclone, yeah, don'tcha, buttons that i'm so going to listen to before every show while i shoot up caffeine. lol. it's gonna be hotttttt. ......i feel like this is borderline inappropriate to be writing for anyone to read. oh well! i'm not really being too serious. but it is hard to be sexy on stage when you don't feel like you are. why/how i get roles like this astounds me... maybe i've got something that i just don't see.
"...so let go all of your mixed emotions
forget all your hesitations..."
this post went a lot differently than i thought it would in my mind, but i'm gonna choose to let it go and not worry about how my blog isn't as philosophical or thought-provoking as i would like. who cares? .i'm such a paradox. it's ok to laugh at me. i'm laughing at myself. because, really, even with all these semi-distressing thoughts flitting through my mind, i'm happier than i've been for a while, and at least i'm dealing with things, thinking them out, and progressing instead of just bottling it up inside. i want to let go... and i will... nike. just do it. right?
*except one
1 comments:
Letting go is a wonderful feeling, but I have a lot of trouble doing so as well. I think I might have been decent at acting if I had just been able to let myself go- so it's good that you can get to that place on stage. I find it easier to let myself go in a good book. I'm not having to "put out" for anyone else and so it's easier, though not as rewarding in the end. Everything is more rewarding when shared.
But I also hear the same discouraging voices you do- all the time! And without sounding cheesy, I read the book Captivating recently and it addressed all these things and helped me understand them in a different way. You might check it out.
Good luck with your performance! I'm sure you'll let go beautifully.
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