say what you need to say

update:

2008-07-14T14:40:00.001-05:00

it's still hurting. even worse now.

if you're listening this is how much it hurts

2008-06-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

2008-05-30T12:35:00.002-05:00

it has been such a very long time since i wrote anything... it's amusing that when things are actually happening in life about which people might enjoy reading, i don't have time to write. and then when life is dull and boring, i suddenly turn to the blog, and create an opportunity of boredom for you, the reader. :) so nice of me, isn't it?

it's true though. the last 5 months have been, quite possibly, the busiest of my entire life. it's been stressful and challenging, but they've also been pretty darn good. doesn't look like any of that will change any time soon either. i'm okay with that.

i don't have a job right now because school ended a week ago... wait, let me rephrase that - i don't have a job that pays anything right now. i've been doing a lot of work for next valley youth movement, and i really enjoy it and wish i didn't need money so i could just do things like that all the time.

currently i've been enjoying onerepublic's album, dreaming out loud, the films once and atonement, and the books it came from within by andy stanley and waking the dead by john eldredge.

i wish i could be in a play right now. but i might be going to california for a month... in two weeks... eek. i need something to do. i have no motivation.

what did i do to deserve this?

2008-03-29T23:17:00.002-05:00

i am in such a state of shock that i am having trouble expressing the extreme happiness that i should be feeling. it's been about 7 hours and the excitement is just starting to overcome the disbelief.

i got a guitar today.

my very own guitar...
from the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world... mine.

i can't believe he bought me a freaking guitar. i can't believe that people believe in me that much that they would spend themselves to equip/enable/encourage me to go after a dream. i am speechless. humbled. so thankful.

it's an amazing guitar. i will post pictures as soon as i take some. it was my choice between two - and when i picked this one up to play it, i started writing a song, immediately (no words yet, but they'll come). beautiful.

i know i haven't written anything on this blog for a long time - that's because i have been too busy. perhaps i will update soon on all the busyness, but this was just too good of a thing not to share with the internet. :)

:) < if you could see me - the soft smile, and the way my eyes are shining - you would know how incredible this [he] is.

2008-02-18T12:07:00.005-05:00

sweet darlin'

this is my confession

to the crimes of wanting you

badly.

and darlin' if you're wondering

here's your answer:

yes, i like you

i don't love you...

i can't love you...

yet.

between the trees has some great songs. give them a listen.

I FEEL GREAT!!!

2008-02-15T12:05:00.003-05:00

aside from being a little bit sore, i feel really good this morning (oh, it's afternoon now). i kinda slept in longer than i should have, but when i finally got out of bed, i felt good... and after having a bit of breakfast with my parents, i felt great... and then i wondered if they had put something in the french toast, because i suddenly felt SO good that i was smiling for no reason and had energy and wanted to accomplish something amazing today.

so i went to curves, and worked out hard. i'm using my mother's membership for a month or so, because she just had surgery and can't do anything. and i love it, because it's making me do something, and i feel better about myself for getting some self-discipline/motivation.

you know what else i love? having someone in my life who encourages me to do more than i believe i can. that sentence doesn't even come close to explaining how good he has been for me. and it's not been easy by any means. and i don't know how long it's going to last. but i am trying to release the past, and only let the future have a minimal impact on how i live in this moment.
but he says things...that just break down walls i've been hiding behind, or at least put a crack in them. like last night, listening to "collide" on the radio: "even the stars refuse to shine" and he said "that's you right there--a star that refuses to shine." and i just stared at him, because i couldn't say anything. because it's true, isn't it?

driving home from curves, i changed the station on the radio and "unwritten" was playing --another song that i know, but never payed much attention to-- but a line caught my ear, and i listened to it, like really listened to it, and let the words wash over me... and i was so energized by it. these lyrics are amazing, and i think, maybe, it's going to be my new theme song for a little while.

i am unwritten, can't read my mind, i'm undefined

i'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

staring at the blank page before you

open up the dirty window

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

reaching for something in the distance --so close you can almost taste it!

release your inhibitions!

feel the rain on your skin

no one else can feel it for you

only you can let it in

no one else, no one else

can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

live your life with arms wide open

today is where your book begins

the rest is still unwritten

i break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

we've been conditioned to not make mistakes --but i can't live that way!

this is what boredom does to you

2008-01-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

1. where was the first place you ever kissed the last person you kissed? on the back porch on the warmest day in january
2. what's the most exciting thing that happened to you today? after my first monologue, walking off stage in the pitch-blackout, "kate" and i had a head-on collision - walked directly into each other as she was entering... both holding glass bottles (which thankfully didn't break) and the tea in her glass spilled all over both of us! the audience gasped. wasn't the best thing that could happen during a show, but it makes a good story.
3. how many best friends do you have? i've had a lot of different "best friends" over the years, but not many of them stuck... recently, it's been the 2-3 friends i have at the current moment end up being called my "best" friends because they are the only friends i see/talk to.
4. would you rather get up early or sleep in? SLEEP IN, although there is a certain excitement about getting up early... if there is a reason for it...
5. can you tell me what you're wearing? my favorite gray t-shirt and comfy gray pants
6. do you have any posters in your bedroom? yes... they are more like pictures i suppose, but purely decorative
7. what would you change about your life right now? my employment status, my location, the way i feel most of the time.
8. would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? cry over the truth.
9. what's on your bedroom floor right now? nothing! i cleaned the other day... and i think i put all the junk from today on my bed :)
10. last person you got into an argument with? probably my mother... but i don't really remember...
11. do you trust people easily? i think it depends what i am trusting them with... (that might mean no...)
12. if you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? redding, california. and then i'd travel the world.
13. do you think your dumb? no, but i think you are for using "your" instead of "you're" in that question.
14. could you go a day without eating? yes.
15. how much do looks matter to you? on a scale from 1-10, probably 6.
16. when was the last time you had your hair cut? in september, i think. after that i couldn't cut it because of the play...
17. does it take a lot to make you cry? not really. i could cry right now if i wanted to.
18. what's the worst car accident you've ever been in? january 2006. i fell asleep at the wheel, crashed into the median (a hill), flipped the car, crashed again. the car was completely totaled, and i barely had a scratch on me.
19. are you close with your mom? i wouldn't say we are distant, but neither are we very close... i love my parents, but i don't talk to them about too many things... trying to change that, but it's a slow process.
20. are you close to your dad? see #19
21. do you tell your parents everything? not even close...
22. would you rather be a bird or a fish? a bird, definitely.
23. if you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? if it's cold like it is now, i would drive, but if it's a nice day, i love walking.
24. does the thought of marriage scare you? oh dear. yes, a little bit.
25. how many kids do you want? zero. but if i ever changed my mind (which i hope doesn't happen) i would have to have 3 because i think it's not good to be an only child, and i hate the typicalness of having 2 kids, a cat, and a dog. plus, i just like odd numbers more.
26. what's your favorite color to wear? i like black a lot, grey, and also {teal} or some sorts of blues because they bring out my eyes. and i like red shoes.
27. who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? someone in my family... ?
28. what did you do today? went to church, ate lunch, went to my show, performed, went to my grandparents' house for a birthday party, came home, showered, talked on the phone for 3 hours, went to sleep.
29. how was last night? saturday night... what did i do... oh, went out with the cast after the show - it was enjoyable, but i was very tired from waking up so early on saturday morning.
30. do you get bored easily? if i'm not doing anything, yes.
31. what's something that really bothers you? religion.
32. did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? yeah, but i could never decide what to change it to... now i don't want to change it at all, not even if i get married.
33. do you wish you were famous? sometimes. not because i really care about fame, but because it might mean that i was making a living doing something i loved - like acting or singing or whatever...
34. could you live without your mobile? probably. you know, vince vaughn doesn't have a cell phone... if he can do it, i'm sure i could. not many people call me anyways.
35. who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? brad. it said something about praying for lee.
36. how do you like your steak cooked? medium.
37. what's your favorite song at the moment? "it's beautiful" by eleventyseven, "love song" by sara bareilles, "stronger" by kanye west, "the best thing" by relient k...
38. can music affect your mood? absolutely.
39. what piercings do you want? i would love to get my lip pierced, but i don't think that's gonna happen...
40. what tattoos do you want? if i lived in a world without pain, i would tattoo some hebrew on my hand, a star of david on my wrist, and some greek on my back...
41. have you ever been in a cave? ...i think so... i have a faint recollection of the feeling of being inside a cave, but i'm not sure if it's real or not. i would like to go in a cave, now that i am thinking about it.
42. have you ever eaten a bug? ugh. no. at least, not to my knowledge.
42. do you think there's someone for everyone? probably.
43. if you could change one thing right now what would it be? i would have large amounts of money at my disposal, or a new computer... or maybe a job that i loved.
44. when was the last time you screamed? i yell a lot in the play, but the last time i can remember just screaming just to scream was the week after christmas, sitting in a car, in the church parking lot... it's such a good release.
45. when was the last time you cried? i don't remember... probably a couple weeks ago... although i have teared up in church the past couple weeks.
46. how do you feel right now? tired & pensive...

"i'm sybil..."

2008-01-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

you have to realize that i am not an arrogant person. i'm not cocky. i don't usually think i'm better than other people. in fact, sometimes i think quite the opposite, which is actually a form of pride because you're still thinking more about yourself than you should... humility doesn't equal self-deprecation - it's having the correct/honest/accurate/truthful view of yourself. arrogance is bad, but confidence is good. and knowing who you are and what you're cabable of is even better. so, it is with the utmost humility that i say, I ROCK. :) just kidding. but seriously, i'm saying all this because i want to tell you about the newspapers' review of The Cover of Life > it was wonderful!! and i'm so genuinely honored and excited by what they said about my performance. i don't do any of this for 'fame' or to get people to flatter me - i do it because i love it, and i hope that i'm good and that i can impact people's emotions or lives through my performance. anyway, oh, can i please share this? it makes me so happy...

"Stephanie DeChant is exceptional as the third wife, Sybil, a 'modern' Southern belle who chafes at the small-town ways of her colleagues. DeChant is absolutely volatile in this fiery role, steaming up the stage in one interlude and boiling over with rage in another." (Vindicator)

"DeChant also is incredible... She has an amazing stage presence and brings a sexiness with her every time she makes an entrance." (Tribune Chronicle)

mm! who knew, right? i'm exceptionally sexy and volatile... :) yeah, i know you wish you had a piece of this hottness. i think saturday night was my best overall performance so far, which is funny because that night i was the most nervous. the reviews were done on friday night. and today at the matinee this little old lady told me i could be on broadway. haha... anyway, opening weekend went well, and now i get a little 2 day break before our wednesday package house (which happens to be on my birthday) and i'm excited because i washed my hair and it feels so nice. (i didn't wash it for 4 days because of the 40s style... kinda like method acting, i guess!) you've got 2 more weekends to come see this play, and tell me if what the reviewers said is true or not!
Love, Your Sexy Baby

letting go

2008-01-09T22:00:00.001-05:00

we had an "exaggeration rehearsal" tonight for the play, during which we were encouraged to exaggerate our characters/emotions to the extremes in order to take us an extra step deeper and let us have a good time at our last rehearsal (we were getting kind of bored performing for no audience, but tomorrow night that changes!). you know, let loose! don't hold back! as i found myself pondering this concept last night, i realized that i do indeed "hold back" in expressing myself... and not only as Sybil...

almost as if there was an unconscious stream of discouragement saying: don't speak up. don't say what you think. don't do that! people will think you're weird and awkward. don't be yourself. you are weird and awkward. don't dance. don't sing. don't let go. don't let yourself feel that. you aren't good enough for that. don't tell him that. don't give yourself a chance. don't laugh. don't cry. don't ask. and definitely don't fall in love.

WHY?

i get frustrated, thinking about this. why can't i just be myself? why can't i let go of the past? let go of fear? just LET GO (in the sense of releasing of things i've held onto and also to stop restraining myself from doing/saying/being what i want to). it's weird because there are times when i do feel confident, and feel good about who i am. i'm unique. people like me. it's not like i'm completely insecure... only a little... sometimes... :( ugh! and i hate it! and i hate that i'm always with these people who have strong/outgoing personalities (note: i don't hate the people, i love them*, obviously, or they wouldn't be my best friends) and when we're alone it's fine, but when i'm around other people with them i shrink. it's easy. i just step back and stay in their shadow, which in certain situations is okay, but usually it is not. because it makes me feel... insignificant, out of place... and i'm not blaming the others at all... i'm blaming myself - for not knowing or liking or being who i am, for not engaging other people, for letting myself disappear. i know i'll never have a dominant personality, and i don't want to... i just want to be me, and not feel so damn uncomfortable about it. sorry. sorry for this emotional vomit i just spewed all over the blogosphere. it's not really as big a deal as it sounds in this paragraph. i'm just expressing myself. i'm letting go, right? that's what i need to do more.

rehearsal actually went very well. i found that listening to dirty rap and dancing around my room really helps me loosen up and feel good... sexy. which was how i needed to feel to rock Sybil. ha! i've got a playlist of songs like stronger, guaya guaya, cyclone, yeah, don'tcha, buttons that i'm so going to listen to before every show while i shoot up caffeine. lol. it's gonna be hotttttt. ......i feel like this is borderline inappropriate to be writing for anyone to read. oh well! i'm not really being too serious. but it is hard to be sexy on stage when you don't feel like you are. why/how i get roles like this astounds me... maybe i've got something that i just don't see.

"...so let go all of your mixed emotions

forget all your hesitations..."

this post went a lot differently than i thought it would in my mind, but i'm gonna choose to let it go and not worry about how my blog isn't as philosophical or thought-provoking as i would like. who cares? .i'm such a paradox. it's ok to laugh at me. i'm laughing at myself. because, really, even with all these semi-distressing thoughts flitting through my mind, i'm happier than i've been for a while, and at least i'm dealing with things, thinking them out, and progressing instead of just bottling it up inside. i want to let go... and i will... nike. just do it. right?

*except one

how am i supposed to tell you how i feel...

2008-01-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

...i need oxygen...

that's all i've got right now. ::sigh:: for real. ::slow smile::

2008-01-04T08:26:00.000-05:00

"The boys like me as a pal but I don't believe any one will ever really fall in love with me." "Nonsense," said Emily reassuringly. "Nine out of ten men will fall in love with you." "But it will be the tenth I'll want," persisted Ilse gloomily.
-- Emily Climbs, l.m. montgomery

i am simply wild to read the "emily" books! i am so close to just buying them on amazon myself... but perhaps someone will give them to me as a birthday present (hint, hint). it is my birthday in twelve days. i think it would be lovely to have a birthday party, but whom would i invite? i don't think i've celebrated my birthday with more than 2 or 3 friends since i turned 10 (excepting that surprise sixteenth birthday party). of course, we always have a family party, but those, too, have gotten less exciting over the last ten years. anyway, i'm going to be pretty old this year... and i'll have performances on and surrounding the day of my birth, which doesn't leave much time for planning or celebrating.

the cover of life opens in ONE WEEK. i am only freaking out because I AM SICK. yes, it's true. for no good reason, i have contracted what seems to be a cold. i would love to blame it on my boyfriend... but i don't have one. i remember my college roommate coming back from break, coughing or sniffling or what-have-you, saying, "yeah... dean was sick..." and it sounded so worth it.

oh, johnny. i'm so lonesome.

we won't be back before it's new year's day - take me out tonight (meow... ha!)

2007-12-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

this is my last post of 2007. i would love to sit and reflect on the year, maybe take some of those silly surveys that everyone always posts on blogs and give you lots of useless information about my life in the 07. but i don't have time. i'm going to pittsburgh to spend the day/night with my friend shara, her husband joe, and some of his friends that i don't know. shara's very glad that i'm coming, and i'm glad too. it will be good to have a girlfriend to catch up with and talk to... i've been lacking that the past couple weeks, and it's been a really bad thing... no one to spill all the stuff about guys to, so i've been holding it all in, and i'm about ready to explode.
one thing i always think about on new years eve is the stereotypical midnight kiss. who decided that should be a tradition? and why? i have never been kissed on new year's eve, so i can't help thinking about it. is it really any more exciting than kissing at any other time? i hate that this is in my mind, but i'm a hopeless romantic, so there it is. maybe in 5 (million) years i'll find out.
anyway, i'm looking forward to 2008. i think it has a lot of potential to be the greatest year yet. celebrating the new year is so cool... to acknowledge that you get a new start, a chance to change, turn over a new leaf. granted, you could have that any time you wanted, but to be offered it like this, is kind of nice. i don't usually make new years resolutions because i know myself and know i wouldn't keep them. but it's time for some changes in my life. it's time to let go of some things, time to pick up others, and embrace life instead of letting it pass me by. ready? set. (deep breath) go.

i wrote a song last night

2007-12-28T09:14:00.000-05:00

[astonished silence]
now, you may not think that this is an incredible feat for an accomplished songwriter like myself (sarcasm) however this is the first song i have written in 4 months. i think it is amazing that i even felt like writing, because, in case i didn't mention it on this blog, i kinda gave up on music a couple months ago. after a not-so-great performance at gcc, i told myself i was done... and i didn't realize until weeks and weeks later that i hadn't since touched the piano or thought about singing or playing, let alone writing... and i would feel a twinge of sadness, and some voice that probably wasn't actually me would remind me that i couldn't do it anyway.
but this is proof that all it takes is one person to restore your hope in lost dreams. they don't even have to tell you how talented you are (you wouldn't hear that) or encourage you to pursue those dreams (you already determined their futility), but simply make you feel that you are worth spending time with, you are worth getting to know. that the well of your soul is good enough to take a drink from, the depths of it interesting enough to explore. and then you remember that you can. and suddenly you're laughing more than you have in 4 months, and then you're writing a song. :) perhaps i'll post the lyrics once i touch up the chorus a bit... or maybe i can make a bad-quality recording and post that, just so you can hear it.

just one reason i love you

2007-12-27T14:58:00.001-05:00

one thing i love about iPod (besides the fact that it fits in your pocket, can hold your entire music library, and is simply beautiful) is that it can go shopping with you, and you can feel more comfortable than you ever have felt shopping before you had iPod. you don't think so much about agoraphobia; you smile more at people because you feel relaxed and happy, listening to your favorite tunes. at least, i do.

i always hated being at the mall, or in a crowded store. but this morning i woke up at 6:30am (why? why? why? i didn't even go to sleep until 3a!) and when i had failed to fall back to sleep by 8:30, i decided to venture out into the world and return the christmas gifts that just didn't suit me. i stayed out until almost 2p - taking my time, browsing, walking, singing to myself (not out loud). i didn't mind picking out clothes, i didn't get frustrated with trying them on... i even bought a few things (no shoes though, which is unfortunate because i do need shoes). you might think this is completely ridiculous, but if you had ever been shopping with me, you would know it is almost miraculous that i had such a delightful time. and i have iPod to thank. i just knew there was a reason i needed one. now we know.

surprises

2007-12-25T15:19:00.001-05:00

i got an iPod nano for christmas! can i tell you how excited i am? i'm very excited. i realize i might be the only 23 year old person who has not to date owned an mp3 player, but now my longtime dream has come true. i wasn't sure that i liked the new nano, but now that i own it, i LOVE it so much. i must think of its name...

this was such a delightful surprise and has restored some of my childlike excitment about this holiday. my christmas 'list' this year went something like this:
MacBook, iPod (nano), Piano, Clothes, Boyfriend, Freedom from student loan debt, etc, etc... so i wasn't really expecting to get any of it. :) but now i have! and it is wonderful.

i'm going to ponder names... probably something foreign...
!!! :) !!!

the ghost of christmas plays past, and present

2007-12-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

it's almost christmas... that makes me think of a song from a christmas play we used to do at church back in the day. "whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, and i'm feeling so excited that i just can't be denying it, whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, oh i just can't wait until it's christmastime (da da da dun dun dada dun dun da)" the play was Christmas with Colby. Colby was a computer that all these kids were friends with. we danced and sang and had a grand ol' time. i was in it for 2 years when i was 11 and 12, i think. my uncle frank played Colby, and my dearest wish was to sing a duet with my favorite uncle! ...but i never got my wish. i'm still a bit sad about it, really.

we always had huge, wonderful christmas productions at church in those days, and quite talented people acting and singing in them, too. after the Colby years i got the lead in The Christmas Post. i shared it with a girl named shaina. 2 performances for her and 2 for me. it was great though. we were newsies. and we both had a crush on this young guy that was in it (of course we were like 13-14, and he was probably 18-19 at the time), and shaina dated him, and my little heart was broken. no, i guess not really broken, just a little disappointed. :)

speaking of young love and broken hearts, there are three weddings coming up next weekend... not to mention all the people getting... engaged and stuff... and i am once again faced with the lonely thought that it will never happen for me. i'm almost glad that i am unable to make it to the sunday wedding because of a double rehearsal. two on saturday is going to be more than enough, especially - well... i feel almost like sybil, asking, what is wrong with me? why am i not good enough? why do [other people] get to find romance and happiness and i am left alone with my pain?

enough with the pity.

so, tonight is the christmas play at church, and what a change it is from the plays of old. let's just say the quality of performance has decreased significantly over the years. yet, i happen to be in this one - playing a poor distraught young wife whose mother-in-law hates her. i only have about 7 lines near the end of the show. i hope it goes well for the sake of the people involved, and the audience - i am praying for a miracle. ;) maybe someday i'll go to a church that does amazing dramas - like mosaic (their dances are awesome - search youtube for mosaic church) - but for now i'll just have to look back and recall, with bittersweet fondness, the days of yore, when music and fine arts were upheld with excellence at pleasant valley. perhaps, one day, those days will return... an unlikely dream. then again, i do know a God who does impossible things.

nonsense

2007-12-17T00:02:00.001-05:00

rehearsal was cancelled today because of the blustery winter weather. i was so happy... u n t i l i realized that i had nothing else to do. all 2 of my nearby friends were going to christmas parties, and since the weather was bad, i couldn't take a long drive to see anyone else. i should have used the time productively and finished my christmas cards, and worked on lines and character development. hahahahaha. but i didn't.

i did look at all my matches on eharmony.com though. yes, i took the obscenely long personality profile, and while some parts of it described me well, i felt that others were way (or at least a little) off. i'm not actually planning to pay them money and join and meet the love of my life. i decided i want to marry a foreign guy anyway - - possibly british, or australian, maybe even irish - as long as they have a hot accent. then, if we decided to have kids, they would be adorable accent-having kids. oh, yes, so, eharmony. my cousin joined it and claimed it was hilarious to look at the people's profiles they matched you with. i didn't find it all that amusing... maybe i'm just in a desperate place where i find myself seriously evaluating every male i come in contact with for potential relationship qualities. i seriously need some friends.

i went to a new church this morning. i met the worship leader last week, and he is talented, so i decided to check it out. the music was far better than my family's church has been, but the message didn't do much for me. about 2 sentences in, i found myself wishing i was at bethel. i don't know if it's wrong for me to dislike sermons that don't blow your mind with revelation. i realize that the simple foundational stuff is important and sometimes we need to be reminded of it... but if a preacher, a church doesn't ever move beyond that into a deeper revelation of who God is and what He's saying... then -what? i mean, we're supposed to grow in faith, right? not just find a plateau of faith to hang out on for the rest of our lives. but if you never challenge people with more of God than they can handle/comprehend at the moment, then how will they ever know or want more? how will they grow? paul prayed for the ephesians to have "the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know [God] better." bethel has that. bill johnson and kris valloton and the people at bethel know God (i wish that "know" was in the Greek present tense so it would mean, they are in the continual process of knowing God), and because of that, the things they say are... amazing. it stretches my realm of comprehension, my faith, and makes me want to search and discover that truth for myself, to pursue God more passionately because when i hear things i don't understand it reminds me that God is GOD and he is bigger than we realize. i could say a whole lot more about this, but it might just be all jumbly thoughts. i seriously need real people to talk to.

anyway... the main reason i started writing was to post this:
The Cover of Life at Trumbull New Theatre
January 11, 12, 13; 18, 19, 20; 25, 26, 27
Friday & Saturday 8p; Sunday 3p

also, it might be important to note that January 16 is my birthday, so be sure to send your presents to my home address, or just bring them with you when you come to see the play. :) and now i'm going to bed, even though i might not be able to sleep because i seem to have insomnia lately.

because there's nothing else

2007-12-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

i'm waiting.

right now, i'm waiting to leave for rehearsal at 6. when i get to rehearsal, i will be waiting for it to be over. this is my life.

yesterday i woke up at 4:30 in the morning. there was no reason. i just woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep. i made some christmas cards. i finally slept again from 8-noon, but it threw off the day a bit. we had a new drummer at youth group. a kid named josh usually plays and he's good and i love him, but now he's just going to run sound. i don't like this other kid - his playing, i mean. i can't even remember his name. i suppose it doesn't matter much since next week will be my last leading worship at youth. january will be filled with The Play, and i can't say whether i'll want to go back after that. the church frustrates me.

The Play is frustrating me, too, to be honest. actually, i'm frustrating me. i'm apparently doing very well. i know my lines. i know the blocking. but i feel like it's not enough. i feel like i need to be pushed to the next level... from good to stunning. i could be stunning as Sybil. leave people speechless. but i don't know how to get there. and apparently, i'm great, so that's good enough. just not good enough for me. maybe it will help when i've got costume and props. maybe. don't get me wrong - it will be a good show, and you should really come to see it. i just... i'm just... tired.

tiiiiiiiiiired. and lonely. and bored out of my mind. i wrote a christmas letter today. you know, how some people send out those newsletters to all the people they never see or talk to that tell about what they've been doing all year. i haven't been doing much, but i thought sending a nice note to some friends i don't talk with much might be nice... until my sister came in and ruined it. she said that everyone would make fun of me if i sent out a 'newsletter'. she said the reason people send them out is to brag about their kids, and i don't have any kids. she gave me a look that said i was a crazy loser. so i guess i'm not doing that anymore. i probably never will. i never really liked newsletters anyway. i mean, my mom has been sending one out with her christmas cards for as long as i can remember, so it just feels like what you do at christmastime. but i think it's kind of impersonal. then again, who has time to write a personal letter to each of your old friends/acquaintances/family members, especially at christmas, especially when you have a family, and especially when you might say the same thing to everyone anyway because what could you possibly say to someone you haven't communicated with for years except at christmas?

anyway.

i think maybe i'll go now. leave early, get a movie from the library, stop at starbucks and spend an obscene amount of money on a coffee beverage, read through my scenes, rehearse, come home, watch the movie, go to sleep, hope that somehow there will be something more exciting to do tomorrow. maybe i should bake a pie.

passing the time

2007-11-25T23:31:00.000-05:00

do you know what i did today? i sorted pennies. for real. over 2thousand 2hundred and fifty pennies. i sorted them into decades - 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s - and then i rolled them. got $22, 1 penny from every year starting in 1950, and some from before that. my oldest is from 1909. does this sound interesting? i assure you it's not. although, i am fascinated by "old" things - antique, ancient, vintage. i don't know many romantics who wouldn't rather find themselves caught up in some decade past than the modern era in which they live. it's easy to romanticize the past, even though it almost certainly was not much better than the present, and in many cases, probably worse. i suppose one could blame media - books, films - for creating a picture of the past that's more beautiful than true... but even without these depictions, i think there would still be those of us who would imagine history as pure adventure and true romance, while ignoring the mundane details of everyday life that were as real then as they are now. those are the people that write the books and make the films! and to them it doesn't matter that the past was full of pain and hardship and sorrow, because they look through all that and see a beauty that's deeper than pain, and that is what they want to show the world...... and perhaps it doesn't matter that the present is full of the same; there is beauty here, too...

and maybe the beauty of sorting all those pennies isn't in the tedious nature of the task or the fact that your back aches from hunching over for so many hours, but in the moment of childlike joy and excitement when you read the date "1944" or "1913" and gasp with delight at the treasure... the one cent treasure that's somehow worth more than that just because you discovered it, in the old jar of pennies your grandfather left you. maybe it's silly... but that's what i did.

my current celebrity crush

2007-11-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

i cannot stop watching this clip because i am a romantic and he's british and he's singing and i love the expression on his face when he sings that first verse "mm mm mm mmhmmm"

it's too bad these things don't happen in real life...

yesssss!

2007-11-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

woohooooo! just got the call. and i was offered the role of "sybil" in the cover of LIFE! this is very exciting. here is the character description: oldest, flashy, "sophisticated" or "fast" in her crowd. translation: she's a bit of a lush, probably smokes, 'sexy'... (i have a feeling it will be a bit reminiscent of "anita" in west side story) but it's a part to play, and it will be fun. the cast is 6 women and 1 man, so the dynamics will be different than i've experienced before, and i'm interested to see who else is in it. the play runs the last 3 weekends of january, so at least i have something to do for the next 2.5 months. anyway, just wanted to let all you dedicated blog readers know. :)

auditions afflictions and affections

2007-11-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

i auditioned! it went fairly well, and it was quite fun. i don't even care much about being cast, but i'm very glad that i auditioned. just taking that step towards something i like made me feel a little better about life. the play takes place in 1943, so i did my hair in a 40s style, and wore a skirt... i was, perhaps, a bit more fancy than the play would require, but i loved having an excuse to dress a character! there really is a part of me that would dress up and play pretend all the time, if only other people wouldn't think i was insane. this is why people are actors, i believe. i guess if you're performing for the entertainment of other people, it validates the fact that you've donned a costume and are traipsing around pretending to be a princess or farmer or what you will -- like a five-year-old.

sometimes i wish i were five years old again. life was good because i didn't know it could be bad. life was simple because there was nothing to complicate it. life was full of promise because i wasn't aware there were things i couldn't do. life was happy because i knew i was loved. nothing had tainted my innocence; i could dream; i could believe.

Jesus said unless you become like a little child you will never come into the kingdom of heaven. i don't think he was just talking about 'salvation' and going to heaven when we die. the Kingdom is the presence of God, and it's here already... that's why John and Jesus proclaimed "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." it's this Life that we aren't living unless we're in the presence of the King. "in the light of the king's face, there is life" He is gazing at us with favor, but we cannot enter it, we cannot see it unless we become like children... the purity of heart*, the unswerving belief... that doesn't mean not questioning - kids ask questions all the time - but there are some truths that don't always make sense to our rational 'grown-up' minds, but we have to accept... or we have to live a life that is less than what we were created for. i'm not trying to present any kind of coherent argument here, i'm just thinking... and i'm thinking that i'm tired of feeling dead and i'm tired of not knowing. i'm sick of doubting and i'm sick of the fear that consumes me. i would rather be consumed with Love. i would rather be consumed by something True, rather than a bunch of lies.

i know a little girl who is five, and she made up this song that has more truth in it than most of the songs i've written:

i know you're here

i know you're true

i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're here
i know you're true
i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're God

i know you are my Father

i know we are your sons and daughters

it's simple... but if you meditate on it and you let the reality of those statements permeate all the walls that growing up builds around your heart, you realize that this is what you wanted all your life. it's what i want to know: that i am a daughter of the King of kings; that everything in his whole kingdom is mine; that He is mine and I am his and nothing nothing nothing can change that. if i knew that - really knew it - i could do anything.
*blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.

remember, remember the fifth of november

2007-11-05T13:10:00.000-05:00

the gunpowder treason and plot
i see no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot

i love guy fawkes day, if only because of V for Vendetta. i plan to watch the film this evening (with my father... my sister, whom i originally thought would celebrate with me, is once again abandoning me to watch the film with kt & friends), and i plan to make this bonfire toffee, and i plan to blow something up, which is really what we should all do on this day. just don't hurt anyone or blow up anything too important.

another thing i was going to do today is audition for the cover of LIFE at tnt, but then i got a call from a woman at church asking if i'd be in the little christmas play they're doing because a girl dropped out - rehearsal is this evening. i agreed because, even though it's just a little play and a little part, it is something. and i need that. plus, i can audition for the other play on thursday.

it is now much later and i have accomplished most of what i set out to do on this fifth of november. all except to blow something up... perhaps with a bit more planning i can fulfill that task by the next november the fifth. however, the toffee was delicious, the film was excellent, and even the rehearsal was all right (i only have about 5 lines, but that's okay - someday soon i'll have more).

i would like to write more intellectual philosophical things about ideas and oppression and revolution and maybe about how watching V this time made me think of Fatherland, one of my favorite novels. but all these thoughts churning in the ocean of my mind prove difficult to transform into a coherent river of rationalization - words phrases paragraphs exposition... as usual not my strong point. so i'll crawl into my bed and let my mind take me away into eventual dreams, where things make sense even when they don't.

across the universe

2007-10-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

the only good thing about me going to play at grove city last night is that, by some random act of fate, a boy named adam black, a freshman at gcc - from england (how did that happen?) - played after me. trained in classical guitar, needless to say, brilliant, and his songs... were amazing to me. you could check out his myspace, but it really doesn't compare. the only negative was that he didn't really have an accent.
my performance wasn't nearly as good, but i don't want to discuss it... i was completely off. i felt like crap. i don't know what to say. i disappointed myself, and i don't really want to play music anymore. there are others who can do it better. end of discussion.
i stayed talking with j until 1am last night, which was nice, to have a friend again. but i didn't get home til 2... and slept til noon today. and then i went out. i had to go out. i couldn't spend another day sitting in my house. i went to borders because i thought maybe they would have a book i've had a desire to read. emily of new moon, etc. i know, it's somewhat of a kid's book. i've read it before, of course, (at age 12 most likely) - it's actually a series of 3 books and the library used to have them, but doesn't anymore. nowhere does. and i want to read them. i don't know why, sometimes you just need to reread books that meant something to you. and they did... emily was a writer, and her best friend were an actress and musician... they were all creative and it was lovely. and i just wanted to escape into a simple world in which things work out. but borders didn't have them. so i went to a movie instead.
i thought it might be a weird thing to go to the movie theatre alone. but this is my life. and i needed this film. so in i went, to the very last theater room in the building, to see across the universe. it was well worth it. plus i didn't feel so bad about being alone because there was only one other person in the theater - an older woman. the film was absolutely brilliant - a little trippy, but that is to be expected. if you haven't heard of it, it is the "story behind the beatles' songs," centered around jude and lucy. and if that doesn't make sense or you don't know the beatles, then i cannot help you. in fact, probably no one can. reminded me a bit of moulin rouge, perhaps because of the weirdness and the singing and the love story, perhaps because jim sturgess' voice was reminiscent of ewan macgregor's, especially at the very beginning. i loved him though (jim sturgess aka "jude") ...but why are all the actors i like named james? (except for edward norton... but i like him because i think he's a great actor, not because i find him attractive...)
anyway.
so when my sister found out that i had gone to see across the universe today, I found out that she went to see it last weekend with her friend kt. "but i was still going to go with you" she said, after giving me a look that said "you're pathetic because you went to the movies alone." what a great sister. i mean, really. but i'm past being upset... i'm just hurt. and i don't understand why my family seems to disdain me even more than... well, there really is no one else, so there's nothing left to say here. i'm done.

a musical interlude

2007-10-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

i am, in fact, performing at my dear alma mater, grove city college, on this friday night circa 8:30-9:00 in the evening. it is my Very Own Concert, and i am at once delighted and anxious. the opening act is a girl called kathy mohr, current student of the college; she doesn't have any music up anywhere, which greatly disappoints me. another great disappointment is my utter lack of a compact disc of my tunes to offer to the demanding public. this may, in part, be attributed to my utter lack of motivation for the past 5 months (or 5 years), with the lack of funds, and the lack of connections, and the lack of proper equipment, and the lack of space in our house for the use of the equipment we do have all coming in close behind to create this void that i really had hoped would be filled by now. but hope without action... what is that? or does the very act of hoping predicate an action that at once inspires the hope and gives cause for more? is it actually hope if you merely sit on your chair and state to yourself "i hope for such and such," or must true hope be demonstrated by the proverbial "leap of faith," a step of action into something which you hope will turn out successfully? but i am off the point --

i have been reading a lot, and singing much less, so that my mind is a constant frenzy of thought and my voice a poor lost soul. for lost it has been, on and off since january. this gives reason to the anxious feeling i have in regard to the upcoming show, in addition to the fact that it has been more than a year since i officially performed anywhere. in that time, i seemed to have lost, not only my voice, but some confidence that people actually want to hear me sing my little ditties and play my simple melodies. (the anxiety heightens) there are a few friends whom i am fairly certain still like me, still appreciate my song... but i fear to disappoint, as i am a constant disappointment to myself.

nevertheless, something in me aches to perform. i Long for the Stage, not because i believe i have anything magnificent to offer to the world - no, it is rather a purely selfish motive -- it makes me feel alive.

quote of the day

2007-10-21T22:59:00.000-05:00

only the shallow know themselves. -- oscar wilde

this might be my new favorite quote. it encourages me...

a-words

2007-10-18T12:54:00.001-05:00

i'm angry.
my sister gave me every impression that today, after i picked her up from class, we would go to see across the universe, which was recommended very highly to me. i was very much looking forward to this - it's been a loong time since i've been to the movie theatre. i saw harry potter and the order of the phoenix in july... and before that i cannot recall being to the movies since december last. also, i enjoy spending time with my sister, and lately she has been very moody and avoidant. i was looking forward to being able to have fun with her since she mostly stays in her room, and answers rudely when i try to speak to her. now, i know that sometimes i am not very kind to her either, but it's been weeks... and i don't have any other friends. for some reason she seems to resent me for not having a life - she frequently chastises me about getting a job, and why don't i go make some friends, and get a boyfriend to take me out. she's 18, and meets all three of those criteria. i meet none. needless to say, i don't need reminding of my lack of a valid existence, and certainly not by my little sister. what i need - - what i need, is a friend. or serious psychological help. she would probably agree with the latter.

i'm alone.
and i desperately desire companionship. that doesn't mean i'm desperate, nor would i act in a desperate fashion in order to gain a companion. i won't join eharmony, i won't go pick up a guy in a bar... oh, it's not even that i really need a male companion (i.e., boyfriend), but the lack of friends of either gender is making the "significant other" void more keenly felt. that, and i watched the holiday a few times last weekend... and, as much as i try not to be a hopeless romantic idealist, i'm tired of the only contact with men i have being someone 4 years younger than me, or someone i can only talk to online, or... my father.

gah! i'm frustrated with myself for even feeling all this. but there you have it - i'm angry. i'm alone. but soon, the anger will subside and i will be left simply... alone.

october 11th

2007-10-11T21:40:00.000-05:00

when i awoke this morning, my first thought was "i wonder what the date is because i really have no idea." (that tends to happen when you don't do anything with your life, you forget what day it is because they're all the same... all one endless empty existence...) so, i groped around the nightstand for my phone, and saw that it was October 11. my second thought was, "October 11th... my birthday is October 11th... wait, no it isn't... why am i thinking this?" i then proceeded to view, in my mind, the scene from the parent trap where hallie and annie discover they are sisters. it goes a little something like this:

hallie: if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad, and we're both born on october 11th, then you and i are, like, sisters!
annie: sisters? hallie, we're, like, twins!!!!!

WHY do i know this? there's a very simple explanation... when i was about 12, my cousin and i watched this movie 50gagillion times, and m-e-m-o-r-i-z-e-d it. obviously, it stuck. we used to act it out. of course, it was a bit unrealistic, since we didn't look anything alike and my cousin was like 4 feet shorter than me and neither of us were born on october 11...

tomorrow night i'm sleeping over her house because her family will be out of town. i think the last time i spent the night with her was when i visited her at kent state (like 2 years ago!) and we tried to both sleep in her tiny twin bed! didn't work out too well, needless to say. perhaps tomorrow we can resurrect all of our parent trap memories... what fun that will be.

nothing better to do but tell the unconcerned public about my life

2007-10-04T12:48:00.000-05:00

hmm.

many thoughts swirl through the mind. why was i going to write a blog post/ ......my shift keys are broken. so are the ctrl keys. i'm not sure what happened. this presents a problem in many ways. first, it prohibits me from asking questions, expressing excitement, telling you what someone else said, abbreviating the word 'and', using proper nouns, making parenthetical statements, smiling... second, which just occurred to me, i may not be able to log on to my computer. you know, press ctrl alt delete to log on... if ctrl doesn't work, what will i do - wait, that was a question, rephrase - i don't know what i will do.

parenthetical statement - i used to think that 'ctrl' stood for 'central' rather than 'control'. don't ask me why. it just seemed logical. no one ever told me what it meant... they just expect you to know. why do they have to abbreviate it anyway - they write out the word 'delete'. maybe there's a 6-character limit on what can go on computer keys. - end thought

i've remembered why i came.

it's homecoming week at grove city college. i shall be attending the campus festivities this saturday, although, ironically enough, probably won't be at the football game. i'm excited to spend some time with my sorority sisters/old suitemates; however, there are a few things that cause a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think of the coming weekend... the main thing = actually being back on campus. this may sound strange to some, i.e., those who thoroughly enjoyed their college experience. i am not one of those, and it is creates a slight disturbance to think of intentionally placing myself back in the setting of the worst four years of my existence. meaning, i feel like puking.

it's not really as awful as i make it sound... i'm sure i'll be fine, i'm sure i'll have fun. it's just that painful memories have an annoying habit of coming up when you don't want them to... and i'd rather not be around things that are most certainly going to trigger those thoughts. surely you understand what i mean.

i won't bother myself about it too much after writing this. i discovered some wonderful new music last night. ian mcintosh. i have been listening to such beauty and awakened all day, and trying to figure out the piano. if i could write beautiful things like that... oh, how i want to write. but i am having trouble knowing how to express my current state of being. of course, it doesn't help that i go for weeks without playing.

speaking of music and grove city college... i'm probably going to do a show there sometime soon. perhaps in a couple weeks. i'm sure you will want to come and hear me sing. i do wish i had a band...

i think i've reached a crossroads. i think i've been standing at it for a while, ignoring the fact that i need to choose a direction. nevertheless, here i am... and there are many roads before me... the decision is difficult simply because i do not know what all the roads are. no, i don't mean, where do they lead - that cannot be known. but what are the options... what do i want to pursue... of that i remain uncertain, as my hesitation to choose a path demonstrates clearly.

i think that's enough for today. if i get some comments, it might encourage me to write more. blogging has been something i do mostly to relieve boredom, or to distract me from a task at hand. today it is the former. i think i'll go play piano now...

california

2007-09-24T23:29:00.000-05:00

redding was amazing.

if i had to describe my experience there in one word it would be overwhelming. i was overwhelmed in so many ways... by the beauty of creation, by God, and in ways i can't even describe... redding is in a valley surrounded by mountains. driving there was incredible. i spent most of the day driving from nevada to california in tears, overwhelmed both by the presence of God with us in the car and the majesty of His creation.

and then there was bethel. i have never been at a church like it. nor heard teaching that left me so utterly speechless. bill johnson and kris vallotton = whoa. it's so good though. bill says that if we don't leave an encounter with God with more questions than we came with, then we haven't really encountered God. and i think it's so true. God is so beyond our comprehension or imagination. and that he wants us to know him... that he chooses to reveal himself to us... astounds me. it was amazing to experience that culture for a week. i can't even tell you what happened... it's too much...

so while i was there, e and i stayed with three guys. e knew caleb from college, but i didn't, and i have to admit i thought it would be a little bit weird, 2 girls staying in a house with 3 guys. but it was so much better than i could have imagined! caleb was really nice, and let us stay in his room while he slept on the sofa bed. cole is a guitarist/singer/songwriter who just got some nice recording equipment. david was an actor who just moved to redding and is going to seminary (and taking greek!). i felt like i had known them for so long after just a couple days. it was really great for me to be around guys who love God and love things that i love, like theatre and music! it's that creative thing in people that draw me to them. but one thing i realized on this trip was that i can be attracted to something about a person and not have to have a crush on them. i obviously wasn't aware of that before... like when i went to oklahoma a few weeks ago... it would have been helpful information. :)

anyway... it was a great trip... and i'm home now... and ready to go back... or to go somewhere. it's time. deciding is difficult, but california left a mark on my heart. the end. or maybe, the beginning.

illinois missouri kansas colorado wyoming utah nevada

2007-09-16T09:59:00.000-05:00

it is 8am here at the holiday inn in nevada, the casino state (it's actually "the silver state," but i really think they should consider a name change). e is still asleep... i woke up at 7 and gave up trying to get back to sleep at 7:30. i think i'm still on eastern time as far as waking up goes. our trip has been good, but we're tired of being in the car. thank the Lord that today we make it to california (hopefully in time for the evening service at bethel).

so, last night we spent the night at YWAM Denver, where i did a dts four years ago. seems like forever. it was so interesting to be back on the base and realize how much i had changed since then. we had a roommate for the night, who was also interesting - she's traveled a lot and told me i should come to a ywam school she's leading in Germany next summer. hmm... ;-)

the night before last, we stayed in kansas city with e's sister. didn't get much sleep though because we went to ihop's prayer room and it was incredible! i'm really considering going back at some point to just be there. at least, i'll probably go to onething in december... and hopefully i'll have some friends going with me!

it's time for me to do something productive so we can get on the road soon. sorry this post is kind of lame. i'm just trying to get back into the habit of blogging. maybe it won't work.

indiana

2007-09-13T09:32:00.000-05:00

we made the first bit of our journey yesterday and arrived at my friend's (we will refer to her as e) parents' house just after 6p. a lovely dinner of salmon, potatoes, vegetables, bread, and salad awaited us. e's parents are great, and i only felt slightly awkward (some degree of discomfort is to be expected in new situations). :)
e was very busy last night (and will be this morning) unpacking and repacking all her things, so i, being rather exhausted due to insufficient sleep the previous night, relaxed in bed and perused the online world until e and her friend came in to chat. and then we were tired, so we prayed together and went to sleep.
i slept very well, other than waking up 3 times this morning and having a strange dream about maggoty bugs crawling all over my clothes/room. that was because i found a little wormy insect on my towel when i opened my bag last night, and then i kept thinking that maybe there were more... i remember one time there was an infestation of maggots in the x's bedroom because he had left a container of birdseed sitting open while away at college. it was really gross. i went up to get a t-shirt and when i opened the drawer and picked up the shirt, there were little dead bugs all over, and some live ones... it could possibly be labeled as a traumatic experience. although not more traumatic than the incidence with the spider... which explains why i'm afraid of spiders now. i'm not afraid of maggots, i just don't want them crawling all over my things.

and now it is time to move on with the day... lots to do - eating breakfast, packing, going to starbucks, waiting for the GPS to come in the mail, and then... driving! to e's grandma's house near st. louis - the city of my dreams. ok, not actually, but i have been wanting to visit there since june. unfortunately, that will not happen on this trip. but since my discovery of megabus, it could be sooner than you think.
i love travelling! i love traveling! (why can you spell that however you want? like, worship(p)ing... did either spelling become acceptable because no one could ever remember if it had the double consonant or not? or is there really not a rule governing the grammatical interpretation of these situations?)

california

2007-09-10T12:59:00.000-05:00

i'm going to california. driving across the country. i have seriously always wanted to do this. it's going to be fast (only 5-6 days of travel) and like 9 hours of driving almost every day. but i'm still excited about it. my only sorrow is that we probably won't stop in st. louis long enough for me to see the amazing people i know there.

anyway, my friend is going out to bethel church for their school of supernatural ministry, and i'm driving out with her. i can't say that i might not stay out there. ;) but as of right now i plan to return... but to what? i still don't have a job or a direction. i'm trying to seek God first, because he promises that "all these things will be added" but it's hard, feeling confused and frustrated with where i'm at, and feeling like my heart is being pulled in different directions yet unsure of the correct path.

i'm content to push my thoughts off for another 2 weeks for this trip. but life would be so much easier if i just knew...

so long summer

2007-09-03T11:09:00.001-05:00

many moons have past since i last posted. much has happened, but i shall not recount all those details here. by months, the summer was bad (june), then it was good (july), then it was okay (august), and now it is over (basically).

i am currently in tulsa, oklahoma. i flew down last thursday, and have been sleep-deprived and exhausted ever since. sleeping on the floor isn't conducive to a good night's rest. however, most of the time here has been very lovely. one of my good friends got married on friday night and it was lovely (although a bit surreal). it's been a weekend of hanging out and laughing and meeting a few new (very cool) people and shedding some tears and trying to stay cool and sharing an apartment with 4 other girls and wondering if i'll ever get married and thinking about how faithful God is. the best part of the weekend (besides the wedding, of course...) was probably saturday night when i was able to play piano for a few people. it put some life back in me. so, if anyone ever wants to hear me play/sing or do a show, really, seriously, contact me. there are a few things that make me feel really alive - being in the presence of God, performing music, being on stage (acting), and sometimes being outside, breathing deeply, basking in the beauty of creation... on a beautiful day, or during a thunderstorm.

speaking of weather, it's been pretty HOT down here. expectedly. i don't think i could ever live in the south. even if they do have sweet tea. i'm thinking maybe i'd like to migrate... live in the north for the summer and go south for the winter. or else just find a place in between.

there are so many places i want to visit... i wish i could take a road trip across the US. or across the world... except i guess that wouldn't be a road trip. :) it would be cool to travel and live somewhere for a year and then go somewhere else for a year, and just be exposed to different cultures and languages and people... maybe someday....

i don't even know what day it is anymore

2007-06-28T23:24:00.000-05:00

what words of poetry will you sing for me?
are the words too soft to listen
oh the melody, how it speaks to me!
how my heart is filled yet so empty

what words of comfort will - will you speak to me?
though my heart be too heavy to hear
for our sweetest songs are oft
those that tell of saddest thoughts

so breathe in deep
sing of hope found in faerietales
once upon a time i believed... them too

with what bit of wizardry will you capture me?
and inspire my heart to sing
is there a harmony that you'll bring to me?
so bittersweet

and breathe in deep
sing of love found in faerietales
once upon a time i believed... them too

anuptaphobia?

2007-06-08T21:30:00.000-05:00

my sister said a guy smiled at me while we were at the mall today. she said i should have gone after him so i wouldn't be such a loser. ok, she didn't actually say i was a loser... but let's just admit it, i am. and while i don't really have the desire to pick up a random guy in the mall, my plight is worsening with each passing day. perhaps i am exaggerating. however, tonight - a friday night - i sat at home and watched Ever After and now i'm going to bed - at 9:30! the rest of my family had social engagements - graduation parties, going out with friends...

my uncle tells me i don't need to find "mr. right," just "mr. right now"...every time i see him.

last week when i asked my younger brother if he wanted to go swimming with me at our cousins', my mother looked at me and said, "you need to find some friends."

but where, may i ask, am i supposed to do that? and how? i never was one to have a large group of friends. large groups scare me. agoraphobia. but the trouble with having only a few close friends is that when you lose them... you're screwed. right now i would say i have about 3 friends, but one lives over an hour away, one is dating a crazy pothead, and the other is very popular plus she's at a wedding this weekend. i only see the last one. except that i haven't seen her all week. i have about 1 person that talks to me online. and i get a phone call maybe once a week, or less. maybe i'm just not a likable person. maybe people just don't like me. or maybe this is my fault for not being sociable. maybe that's the problem - i just don't like people. sigh.

but i do like people! just not all together. one person. that's all i'm really asking for. how hard is it to find one person to hang out with? pretty damn hard. of course, it might have something to do with the fact that i barely leave the house. but where would i go? and really, who wants to go places alone? i'm seriously stuck. and i'm rambling. i hope you didn't waste your time reading this. you should be out building relationships. think of me and my pathetic existence and go out and meet someone! and then call me and tell me how you did it.

music & lyrics

2007-06-04T15:28:00.000-05:00

"A melody is like seeing someone for the first time. The physical attraction. Sex. But then, as you get to know the person, that's the lyrics. Their story. Who they are underneath. It's the combination of the two that makes it magic."

i watched music & lyrics a couple weeks ago with my cousin. it wasn't the greatest film (of course, i watched it after just seeing the holiday and blood diamond, which were both spectacular), but "i so get that" quote (to quote hugh grant's response to the above line by drew barrymore). anyway...

i wrote a song today. i know! i'm shocked, too! i mean, it's not, like, the best song i've ever written, but it's a song. and i wrote it. and i feel a little better. i'd post the lyrics, but i have this fear of posting lyrics without the music. i'm self-conscious about my writing because it's not really my strong suit. of course, neither is composing music. i guess that's why you just have to take them both together, and add to it my charming personality and stunning beauty. but if you think about it in context of the above movie quotation, posting lyrics is like just baring my soul to you straight away without any connection being established... the music is what draws you in, the music makes it okay to expose the depths of one's being because we all know it's a song, it's entertainment, and most people won't think about what you're saying and how it might relate to you. but it's hard even in front of an audience. i love that part of the song breathe, "and i feel like i'm naked in front of the crowd 'cause these words are my diary screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want to." it's scary and wonderful all at the same time to perform a song you've written for other people. -- huh... i guess i miss it...

i think poets are a little different because they are more skilled with words and can mask meanings with clever phrases. i don't claim to be a poet. i just write what i feel, what i think. honest & vulnerable. sometimes i get frustrated that it's always the same. seems to be, anyway. but it helps to get it out just the same.

i'm sorry, i just can't

2007-06-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

i just spent about half an hour writing a post. i deleted it. i just can't write about my life. it's too pathetic. and i just don't feel like it. i don't feel like doing anything. at all.

even as i'm writing this i don't want to... what's the point? i could just delete it, go to bed. like i've done several times since thursday, may 17, 2007. but the "jabberwocky" requested an update. and one can't deny the public what it wants. although, i am tempted to ignore jabberwocky, since i don't even know him. her.

i think about him sometimes - i prefer to think "him" because that's the way fantasy goes, you know. my imagination is very easily engaged... and when there is an element of mystery in one's life, how can one not indulge in the attempt to unlock the secrets? it's how we were made, i think. curious. otherwise, no one would ever discover or invent or create. it's very frustrating to me, though, because i know it's probably what he wants. he probably secretly delights in the fact that it drives me crazy not knowing his identity. or her identity (i have to be fair). but i can't help it. i'm not satisfied, you know? with a lack of companions in my real life world, an unidentified blog commenter in "cyberworld" is not exactly comforting. but then, if i did know who it was, there exists the strong possibility that i would be equally dissatisfied. disappointment occurs when reality falls short of your expectations. and expectations are formed when you allow your imagination to wander. so i try not to think about him too much. i try not to think too much, period. just zone out. blank.

i want to delete this post too. i won't. but i want to. it feels pointless. i feel pointless. i am in need of some serious encouragement. but not in the form of a blog comment and not from someone i don't even know. i need a real person that i can see and hear and touch. someone who knows what to say and how to say it and who will just be there for a little while, until i'm okay. don't know where i'm going to find that person, or if i ever will. but don't go preaching at me about how God can fix everything, and don't make trite/cliche remarks that i'll be okay it'll be okay when you don't even know me... even if it's true. even if it is true. oh, i'm sorry if i sound harsh, or rude. that's just not what i need. i need...a friend. and maybe a little motivation.

and some sleep. good night.

done

2007-05-17T09:03:00.000-05:00

i don't think i believed this moment would ever come... the moment when i walk out of my last final ever, and breathed the fresh air of freedom... (i still felt stressed actually - i think it might take a little while for that feeling to wear off). it's weird, eh? realizing that now i have to do something real, be in the real world. i can't just screw around and do nothing with the excuse that i'm in school. i feel like life starts now and everything leading up to now has just been preparation...

i don't feel very prepared.

i think i made record time packing and cleaning the apartment and loading my car though. my car was stuffed. i fit everything except a bookshelf that i will have to get on saturday. i felt only a little sad when i was packing my car, by myself, and saw groups of friends sitting in the lobby. i felt like these four years have been a waste, and why didn't i make more friends or get involved in more things. my heart gave a little tug because i'd like to have that comraderie... but not here, not at grove city college, not anymore. so, i felt sad, like i missed something important, but also extremely eager to get out of there. i didn't fit. maybe i will somewhere else.

so i'm at home now and going back for baccalaureate and commencement on friday night/saturday morning. :) yay. i'm still incredibly sleep deprived and after staying up for 2 nights, i can't sleep for more than 5 hours at a time.

there's also an insane amount of s t u f f in my room. i don't know what to do with it all. i have a hard time getting rid of things. sentimental packrat. (that sounds like a horrible way to be described, doesn't it?) time to go clean.

the stupid things i do during finals

2007-05-14T23:53:00.000-05:00

this year marks my last finals week ever. thank God. however, i'd like to take a moment (while i'm clearing my thoughts before continuing the frantic writing of papers) to describe a few scenarios that really capture the feeling that i have toward final exams.

December 2006 - on the sunday during finals week i drove off to cleveland (2 hours away) with a friend, had dinner at his house, went to church up there, went to the movies, stopped at my house on the way back (at 2 in the morning), and then stayed up even later talking once we got back to campus. this was after we had been up until almost 4am the previous night.

May 2006 - some of the things that happened during this finals week are not appropriate to mention on my public blog, but let's just say that they were not things one should be doing during finals. additionally, i again stayed up all night with a friend (different one) doing nothing but talking on IM while we were sitting across the table from each other. we went to bed at like 6am and then he calls me at 9. i had been sleeping so it took me a few moments to realize that i had a final that morning! i think i was late to it.

December 2005 - i don't remember this finals week because i was too traumatized by events that had occurred the previous month.

May 2005 - i'm pretty sure i might have slept through a final. every college student's worst nightmare. i had to go to the professor once i woke up... he was gracious and let me take it.

December 2004 - i tried to break up with my boyfriend right before finals. we didn't (then) but i remember him saying that it was a really mean thing to do... (fast forward 2 semesters)

that's about as far back as i can remember. but, as you can see, final exams are very important to me. take this semester - my last semester - for example. today i studied for my shakespeare final for a whole 30 minutes. but that's the the greatest thing... i am attempting to do an entire semester's worth of work in just 2 weeks. impossible, you say? ha! of course, this is the second night in a row that i have stayed up all night... it's like i'm trying to set a record. i've never done this before. one night was always my limit and i always slept sometime the next day. but not this time. i've had only (maybe) 2 hours of sleep in the past 38 hours. soon to be over 50 unless some miracle occurs and i'm able to write 3 essays, a 3 page paper, and compile a final project instantaneously. doubtful. surprisingly, i'm not tired at the moment. it comes and goes. i've had 96 fluid ounces of mountain dew since this paper marathon began. i'll probably die before i can even turn them in. :) thank God there's only 2 days left.

like a turtle

2007-05-12T19:31:00.000-05:00

i know, i know, i'm supposed to be writing The Papers. i am. just... very... slowly...

i can't help it! i know what i'm supposed to write, i could make a general outline, but then it just takes years to actually write the sentences. i'm ridiculous. am i ridiculous?

i'm also hungry. i keep getting hungry every few hours. we don't have much (or any) substantial food in our apartment since we're only going to be here another week, but that makes it difficult to actually eat food. i bought instant mashed potatoes and a can of baked beans and a can of corn and a can of tuna today, thinking that might sustain me until wednesday. i had mashed potatoes for "lunch" and baked beans for "dinner" and now my stomach is grumbling again.

I CAN'T FINISH THESE PAPERS I WILL NEVER FINISH THEM AND I WILL NEVER GRADUATE AND I WILL HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE AT THIS HATEFUL COLLEGE OR ELSE JUST DROP OUT AND MY PARENTS WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED AND DISOWN ME FOR WASTING ALL THEIR MONEY AND I'LL HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREETS AND BEG FOR FOOD SO MAYBE I SHOULD GET USED TO FEELING HUNGRY NOW BECAUSE IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF I EVER GET DONE ON TIME BECAUSE AT THIS RATE I MIGHT FINISH BY THE TIME I DIE WHICH REALLY COULD BE VERY SOON BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN LIVE IF I FAIL.

whew. sorry about that little outburst.

my cousin graduated today. i talked to her on the phone and she was so excited and couldn't believe that she did it, considering how many times she wanted to quit. i hope i feel the same way in a week, but it really does seem so far off...

i need to go find some food.
i need to go find a new brain. this one isn't working very well.

F O C U S.

hope...

2007-05-11T19:16:00.000-05:00

today i took a stroll around campus (an attempt to clear my head after the Mental Breakdown i had this morning) and ended up on jim shorts' bench (i'm totally seriously. there is a randomly placed bench that is dedicated to "jim and bobbie shorts" poor guy). as i sat, i think to myself, "in one week i will be a college graduate..." but what do i feel? a mixture of relief, fear, excitement, fear - the fear is mostly that it won't happen... that i won't get my papers done, that i'll fail my finals, that my professors won't show mercy to the poor, depressed, anxiety-ridden girl who's had senioritis since her freshman year... i try to breathe in the fresh spring air, to feel the breeze on my skin, but for some reason - i can't.

the poem Spring speaks is hope - renewal, rebirth, an awakening of all things that the Winter of Despair put under its spell of a sleep like death. it finally feels like spring here. took long enough. the sun has shone every day for a couple weeks, the air is warm, the flowers are blooming (and, yes, the bugs are out...as are the couples) ... and i keep wondering when my Spring will come. winter seems forever. and i can't breathe.

"but in a week you'll be free!" a (tiny) hopeful voice cries. it is drowned out by the resounding CAN'T. "you can't make it. you won't finish. and even if you do, what then?"

indeed. what then?

"find a job, i guess" is the usual (reluctant) reply. people don't usually ask 'what do you want to do?' only 'what are you going to do?' as if there is no room for dreams in Reality.

so i find myself wanting to sleep more. always tired, as if simply existing in Reality exhausted me. because, when i close my eyes, the world is mine... but when they open, i'm left......

--- i'm in the basement now. still have The Papers to write, so i came down here to do it. (finally.) another girl just came down, followed by her boyfriend. she is freaking out, stressed, crying... she has a paper to write, too. but he's comforted her now. and she'll be okay. and she'll get it done. they're talking and i'm thinking about leaving because it will distract me, but that's just an excuse to put The Papers off longer. the truth is, i'm scared to write them. i'm scared to fail. i'm scared to succeed. does that even make sense? ---

i feel that 18 years of education have killed the faerie tale in me. or have, at least, tried very hard. i can feel the bit that's left running for cover as Reality approaches. "it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live," i hear that ever-wise wizard say in my head.

maybe so, Dumbledore, but what are we living for?

help... me...

2007-04-18T10:21:00.000-05:00

wait, i can't make it much further here i go i'm drowning - wait - please don't leave me all alone, wait, for a moment i was sure that there was something more than - wait - please don't tell me that i'm wrong... help me escape take me away hidden in candlelight, incense and headphones at the end of the day help me remain and not drift away like the swirls of smoke that surround me the sound of the piano keys drowns out anxiety... and helps me escape.

recurring_theme_song

2007-04-13T13:17:00.000-05:00

fantasies ruin our view of reality
tainting our minds to expect what's not there

she dreamt of knights bright and shining who'd rescue her,
whisk her away to do things she'd not dare

but life came to fast and oft what she asked of it
wasn't what she got
year followed year and her heart fell to pieces
he promised the world, then he left when she needed him

but she doesn't need him and she's finally realized how
he must have been feeding her lines
she says she's fine and she swears that she's happy now
but what if it's all just a lie?

fantasies ruin our view of reality
tainting our hearts to expect what's not there

but once they've been shattered it's hard for our dreams to mend
'cause who can we trust with our hearts to repair?

she's lost her faith in men, she's lost her innocence
she's traded passion for heartache and aimlessness
they say she's beautiful, but she's not interested
her heart is a fortress she's built and you can't come in

she doesn't need him and she's scared to try it out
'cause what if he's feeding her lines?
she says she's fine and she swears that she's happy now
but what if it's all just a lie?

what if it's all just a lie that she's told herself to keep her from feeling the pain?
what if he's real and he's telling the truth and she's stopping emotions in vain?

she says she doesn't need him but she's scared to try it out
'cause what if he's feeding her lines?
she says she's fine and she swears that she's happy now
but inside she knows it's a lie

she says she's fine but she sits all alone at night
too often she's wondering why
she hopes she's wrong and in secret she prays love will come
and she'll try
not to be scared and to be what he needs
and to take it a day at a time
then she'll be fine and someday she'll be happy...
and the happiness won't be a lie

written 23 june 2006...and still true

easter break

2007-04-06T11:04:00.000-05:00

it's easter break. i'm not doing anything.

one of my fish died. i think the other fish might have killed it. didn't really care too much because i detached myself from them a few days after i bought them - after i found out they needed a tank and weren't eating the food and would most likely die. i woke up every morning expecting to find them dead. it's a sad outlook to have. it doesn't really make the disappointment less, just buries it so you can't tell.

i'm considering deleting this blog, and my facebook, myspace, twitter, and virb accounts. i don't ever do anything on them anyway, and no one reads this really so it wouldn't matter much. i'd like to disappear.

speaking of disappearing, i finally saw The Illusionist. loved it. edward norton is my favorite actor. i thought it was much better than The Prestige, which i also just saw. other movies i've viewed recently include Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, Lucky Number Slevin, Fight Club, Flags of our Fathers, and a great madeforTV movie series that has been on every night this week. i missed it last night though because i was out with my cousin...

we went to the mall. i bought black gauchos and she bought lingerie for her friend's bachlorette party she was going to today. so many people are getting married. my cousin has 7 weddings to go to this summer. these are people younger than me. i'm 23. and then there are all the people who are beginning to date. it's like some infectious disease that goes around in the springtime. all the couples come out, like insects. i'm sorry, do i sound bitter? am i jealous? yes. if this were a shakespearean comedy, i would be the random person left at the end after everyone else pairs up. happily ever after? not quite.

... my bedroom is a mess. my life is a mess. i like for my surroundings to mirror my inner self, so when i'm really distressed, i don't clean. everything is in perfect chaos. my roommate is the opposite. when she's stressed, she cleans. it makes her feel better. that's probably a good thing. or maybe it's more deceptive... because then it looks like things are okay when they're really not. at least i'm honest, right? hah. this is me trying to put a positive spin on my lack of motivation.

i still have 6 papers to write. i'd better get on that.

the past three weeks

2007-03-26T02:04:00.000-05:00

bad. bad. bad.

1. run crew. cried every night. want only to be ONstage, performing, not backstage moving the furniture. very depressing.
2. crush. so ridiculous. and frustrating. i'd forgotten... but i did write a song, so that was good.
3. block class. great... until tonight when i realized that it's not my sorority anymore. i'm done.
4. one act auditions. can i even talk about this? no, i cannot... it's like being wounded so deeply that the nerves are severed and you can't feel anymore. i give up. that's all.
5. FIVE papers. due this week. i hate writing. seriously, like more than you can imagine. it is the bane of my existence. how did i even get through 4 years of high school and college? i have no idea. to say i have writer's block is a severe understatement.
6. my fish. they're probably going to die. the weird slightly retarded man at the store said they have to be in a filtered tank, which i don't have. he also said to give them tropical fish food. but they're not eating it. so, i rescued them from certain death at walmart only to have them die here. wonderful.

i think that's enough for now.
if i make it to friday, it will be spring break, and maybe i can recuperate from the extensive sleep deprivation and heart-rending events of the past three weeks.
and maybe i can record a CD.

just keep swimming

2007-03-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

when my first betta fish, Red, died, i left him in his bowl for weeks because i was too devastated to flush him. a month or so later, Augustus followed Red to fish heaven (i.e., wherever the toilet from our suite in west led). it was tragic. i swore i'd never get another fish.

that's what happens when you don't have pets growing up. we never did, and i never cared because i figured that 2 brothers and a sister who acted like a monkey (seriously, she climbed on everything and out of her crib all the time) were quite enough. so i grew up, and i think kittens are cute, but i would never want a cat. i like some dogs, as long as they stay outside. i'm more interested in contained pets, like turtles or lizards or fish, maybe a gerbil (we had one at our house for 2 days and it was cute) but again - i'm not so sure i'd want to take care of it/if i could handle it dying.

but now i've gone and bought 2 little fish. i was at walmart today, wandering around aimlessly. they're getting rid of their fish department. that's probably a good thing because there were always more dead fish than living ones in those tanks... anyway, a faithful walmart employee came along, asking me if i needed anything. when i inquired about the price of these lovely red rainbow sharks, he said i could have 2 for the price of 1. what a deal. i couldn't resist... i think i was particularly vulnerable because i'm not feeling well this week, i'm still lonely, and i wanted to rescue something (because i need to be rescued myself), and love something (even if it is just a fish), and needed to have some living things around me so that i could feel more alive.

ugh, just wait... i'm probably going to end up as one of those crazy cat ladies - you know the type, old maid living alone with a houseful of cats. great.

well, i'm only 23 and i'm not that desperate yet, so i guess i'll just stick with fish for now. they're cheaper. :) so, here are my little sharks (i love that they're called sharks, and i love that they're black and red - i'm on a d'phi high right now):

meet Marcus Aurelius and Annia Faustina!

the luck o' the irish

2007-03-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

thank the lord this week is over. it was horrible (hence the rather irritated responses to comments on my last post - i do apologize for my curtness) - i didn't study AT ALL, i barely slept, i had to be in the theatre every night for run crew, on top of dealing with general feelings of loneliness and depression.

BUT, it's over! and today is st. patrick's day and i wish i were actually irish. i've been talking with an irish accent most of the day (i need to work on it a bit more), and tonight we're watching the departed and the boondock saints. wonderful movies, both.

even though being on run crew was not the most enjoyable experience of my life (i would rather be on stage - i won't go into details about all this because it will turn into an endless rant of bitterness), one of the characters in the play, the matchmaker, was irish and i very much enjoyed listening to the accent. so much, that i wrote a song. that was the one nice thing about run crew - between the 3 scene changes we had to do, i played piano in the little theatre (and gained a few new fans) and was inspired tonight to write a new song. it's a little bit irish-y and a little bit about a boy (what song isn't?) and i love it, though it's not quite done yet. but who knows, maybe i'll get lucky? the night is still young. (yes, i know it's almost 1am, but if you consider the fact that i've been staying up until 4 most nights, and last night didn't sleep at all... it's still early!)

which brings me to my final point - there are 11 new D'Phis! YAY! i'm so happy for all of them, and excited to get to know them, especially my littles... i haven't had a little for a year, because (both of) mine left school and didn't come back. :( but now the sorority will live on and my family will live on and it will be good. especially greek sing. ;)

and now i must depart and go back to the departed.

cuddle party!

2007-03-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

this is amazing.

i know, it sounds a little weird and awkward... cuddle party? with strangers? but i think it's an incredible idea. our society discourages physical contact of any kind. touching usually has sexual connotations or implications. it's sad because, as human beings, we need and crave (whether or not we admit it) physical touch. we have to have contact with other human beings in order to survive, to thrive. so what could be more beneficial than a gathering in which physical touch, with no sexual overtones, is accepted and encouraged? read the faqs, read the articles... if you don't agree with what they're promoting here, i am sorry for you. as for me, i wish i could have a cuddle party right now because i am deprived of physical touch. i'm stressed, i'm unhealthy, and seriously lacking oxytocin. not to mention how this could improve my communication skills, confidence, and ability to trust people. too bad there's no cuddle parties around here... my roommate and i want to have one... but it's doubtful that anyone would come... so i'm left feeling lonely and withered. anyone want to cuddle?

i do believe...

2007-03-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

...i have been changed for the better
and because i knew you,

i made this wicked awesome cake for my roommate today. i love her.

what a lonely girl

2007-03-07T18:20:00.000-05:00

my roommate had played me this wonderful song called "i wish i were a punk rocker (with flowers in my hair)" and then yesterday i won a $10 iTunes gift certificate for participating in a survey about web-based technologies several weeks ago. this was exciting because i never win anything! so i today, i was looking up this song and read about sandi thom and listened to her on myspace and realized that she was amazing. so (can you see where this is going?) i bought her album on iTunes.

there are 2 songs that particularly resonate with me at this time. and rather than try to tell you how i feel right now (we all know i suck at words), i'm posting the lyrics. maybe it's lame. but i can't ever say things right, and then i hear a song that just - gets it.

i sometimes see her down by the river
the water dances on her skin
she can captivate you with her eyes
but she will never let you in
and in the dark she lingers
like a tear without a soul*

he said lately she's been watching the weather
the weather doesn't know what to do
'cause sometimes when it's cold outside
that's when she's feeling blue
he said I see through her sadness deep within her soul
all she wants to have is someone she can love to make her whole*

isn't it incredible
oh isn't it regrettable
'cause she finds sweet love and then she let it go
and i've see so many faces just like hers
so many broken hearts in the world
and oh what a lonely what a lonely

*and oh what a lonely girl
trying to find her way
in this mixed up messed up world
and i see so many faces just like hers
so many broken hearts in the world
and oh what a lonely what a lonely girl

...i wish i could write a song like this. or like "what if i'm right" or "punk rocker" or anything good. but it's the words - the deplorable words that evade me - and i can't -

obsessive thoughts

2007-03-06T10:08:00.000-05:00

i'm not really an obsessive person... but sometimes i'll start thinking about something and i can't stop - even if i know i should, even if i want to.

there are some thoughts twirling around in my head that have been there for years, and they just keep popping up - like annoying pop-up windows when your computer clearly has viruses (one of my parents' computers at home does this when IE is in use - pop-ups every freaking second until finally the computer shuts down - i don't know why my dad hasn't fixed it). maybe i have viruses... mental viruses that cause my brain to think unwanted thoughts.

occasionally these undesired musings take the form of dreams, like this morning. i wake up to find myself dreaming of someone/something that i don't want to deal with and never want to see.

hmm.

perhaps that's the problem... the thoughts stay, to haunt me later, because i don't confront them at their conception? i can see how that might be the case for some, but others, more recently, seem unable to be directly confronted - it's more of a wondering, pondering ---- maybe the problem is that the thoughts stay contained. i don't express them in words, often i can't (or if not can't then it's terribly difficult), or don't have a medium... so they stay locked up in my mind, growing, spinning, thinking, until it's too much for me to handle. they become confused, and at that point, sorting through the tangled web (the spaghetti, if you will. i once heard an analogy that men's minds are like waffles, and women's spaghetti*) is a challenge no one wishes to take on.

i think there's a point at which my thoughts about a particular issue are translated into (or inseparably connected with) a feeling, and are no longer available for immediate comprehensible expression in verbal form. (frustration ensues.) this connection might sound strange to some. i understand it based on a little tidbit from hebrew class... translated from hebrew, the word לב(leyv) means both heart and mind. it just intrigues me. and once, during my homeschooling years, i remember taking a course on psychology/counseling that identified us as 3 part beings - body, spirit, soul - with the soul including 3 parts - mind, will, and emotions. thoughts and feelings... i just don't separate them. or can't. or haven't tried. or have tried unsuccessfully.

it's why my blog posts are so freaking long, and possibly illogically structured. this (meaning, this 'season'** of my life) is the first time i'm attempting to explain/express what's inside me... i have a few friends right now who are pushing me to do just that (express, not blog), and it's incredibly frustrating. the limitations of language and my lack of experience and the abstract nature of the conversation... make me want to run. but i'm staying. because it's good for me. because i need it. and if they haven't abandoned me yet, it means they believe i can do it.

that's one of the lingering ethoughtions (just coined this word. e-though-shun. it works for me.) i have: can or can't. can't more often prevails. it's a stronger feeling. that needs to change.

*exhibit A: i started this post thinking about something completely different than when i finished.
**last night we played "imaginiff" and one question was: "if stephanie were a time measurement which would she be?" options: season, era, nanosecond, fiscal year, happy hour, overtime. most popular answer: season. ...what does that mean?

rollercoaster

2007-03-03T14:44:00.000-05:00

i feel like i'm going back and forth between happy and sad posts. i almost regretted posting the other day because i felt like i was murdering the "i am gloriously happy." at least if i would have left that up for longer, people who might read my blog would have been deceived into thinking i was still gloriously happy, even if i wasn't. but i believe in honesty. i hate pretending to be okay when i'm not. funny, because i love pretending. but when it's real life, i just want it to be real. and that means i don't want to lie and say 'i'm fine' or 'good, how are you?' when i'm really not. oh, i do, of course, because there are people who really don't want or need to know how you are and it would be silly to throw honesty at them. but people that i like, that seem to like me, and with whom i have some kind of ongoing interaction - i'd rather say 'i'm horrible, how are you?' it's not that i want their sympathy, or even their help. i just don't want to be fake. maybe this is a weird approach. i haven't really put a lot of thought into this... and frequently i play the facade just like everyone else does. i'm just saying i don't like it when i do.

but today is a good day. i'm on the path back to hope and healing. it was getting pretty dark for a little while... but through a series of many things this past week, i'm beginning to see the Light. i know i was just ranting about how i hate relationships... but in all truth, i would die without them. it's amazing to see how God has provided support and encouragement for me when i'm on the brink of collapse, even if i don't want it. the sorority was my support system for the past couple years. but now, it's even more incredible, because it sort of comes out of nowhere. and makes me smile... which is good. i can't do this life thing alone.

... i feel like i'm contradicting myself. perhaps this is the evidence of a spiritual battle. yep, i'm not kidding. to go from the depths of despair and confusion to hope and clearer thinking either means that i am completely mentally unstable, or that things are going on that i can't see. and i know the first is not true. there is a lot more i could say about this, but i'm tired of typing. so i'll just say that relationships are fundamental to survival. my desire to avoid or run from them is based on fear and not truth. because, like i said at the end of the last post - i know i need them. i need you.

speaking of needing people... what happened to my commenters? i know i don't have a huge fan base reading this blog - it's not that interesting - but no one comments. i will comment on your blog if you comment on mine... ok? (unless you're anonymous... in which case, my response will be equally ambiguous.)

the end.

relationships are...

2007-03-02T10:23:00.000-05:00

messy
complicated
painful
difficult
the only reason we are on this earth
the most important thing we were created for

but right now, i want to become a hermit. i want to run away to the woods, maybe the mountains of colorado - somewhere with a waterfall, lots of trees, nice foliage, wildflowers - and live in a cabin and not ever see anyone. never mind about the practicality of it. i could have a garden, maybe some chickens for eggs... a goat? i could just go to town like once a month or something, to buy supplies. of course, i wouldn't really have any source of income... details, details - that doesn't matter. i could... um...

my mind is coming up blank.
i guess this plan isn't going to work very well. which is disappointing, because i really don't know if i can handle any more...

it's not really that i don't like people (although i'm not a fan of large groups or crowded/public places). i care about people. i tend to be somewhat empathetic and fairly observant of when someone is hurting. but i can't deal with it. because it hurts me. right now, either because a) i caused the hurt, or b) it is too closely related to the pain that i feel myself.

speaking of that pain, it's ruining my life. it's affecting every social interaction that i have with someone. i wish it would run away... because i know that my running away isn't going to fix it. nothing can fix it, nothing can fix me, make me fit to live in society, except One. Thing. but that requires relationship. and in case you couldn't tell from the beginning of this post, relationships are not my forte, nor do i wish to get involved in any. although, i already am involved. i can't not be involved. it's impossible. unless i go through with the hermit plan, but we already determined that wasn't going to work.

i'm an escapist. [oh my gosh. this statement occurred to me several weeks ago, but after typing it here, i thought, as i often do, what is the definition of escapism, really. so i looked it up. and read this wiki article. and it's really true. i really am an escapist. is that bad? i think it might be bad...] i'd rather avoid people than try to interact with them. i'd rather avoid conflict, and problems, and stressful situations than confront them. but avoidance is basically impossible, so therefore, i hide.

i'm hiding today... alone, in my room, in the almost dark... if anyone calls, i'll tell them i can't hang out, i don't feel well, because it's not a lie. i feel horrible. and they'll say, i hope you feel better, and i'll smile and say thanks and we'll hang up the phone. they'll forget about me, and i'll cry... because in my heart of hearts, i know i need them. i know that 'i was made for love,' as the misty edwards song says. and i know that i'm going to be miserable without... yet, still i run.

i am gloriously happy.

2007-02-25T23:39:00.000-05:00

i was going to say more, but i can't because... there are just no words. only music.

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.
--- Berthold Auerbach

i'm hungry...

2007-02-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

...but we don't have any food. and i don't have any money to buy food. another complication to this problem is that right now i'm in the middle of classes, with no time to get back to my apartment to scour the cupboards for something edible.

possible solutions to this problem:
1) get some money. this could be accomplished in two ways.
a) selling myself. this is probably not a good option, since i really don't know how much i could get... plus i just don't really want to do that. it wouldn't be good for my self-image.
b) working. i do, actually have a job here on campus. the problem with this is that we only get paid once a month... and that time is still a couple weeks away.
2) become anorexic. this could actually be a good solution because it would solve not only the problem of not having anything to eat, but it could also help me lose weight, which would possibly make me more attractive, which in turn would increase the price that someone might pay to have sex with me. then i would have money. but since i wouldn't need to use the money to eat anymore, i could put it toward a better cause... like... world peace.

my roommate braved the blizzarding snow and blustering wind last night to go to the gym. she said she felt ugly and that working out would make her not feel this way. before she went, i found her looking at a fashion magazine and wondered why, if she felt ugly, she was looking at this magazine, full of perfect looking models and movie stars, which would surely only make her feel worse about her own appearance. she said it was to give her motivation to work out. this was curious to me. this is not how my brain operates.
for me, looking at beautiful perfect women (and, yes, i know that it's all airbrushed and makeup) would only discourage me from working out, because no matter how hard i try, i will never look like that. well, i shouldn't say never... i can think of two ways:
1. if i stop eating food and exercise 10 hours a day and sleep the other 14 hours because i'll be too exhausted and depleted of nutrients to do anything else
2. if i somehow land a movie/music contract and become famous and am given a personal trainer and a team of highly trained professionals to make me look beautiful
ok, so basically, never.

i have some thoughts on why women's beauty is so attacked in this world... but it's not something i feel like elaborating on right now. i'm too tired... and hungry... (see, this is why i shouldn't be anorexic... limited brain function)

i really like this ad from Dove - no wonder our perception of beauty is distorted - but while it is enlightening to be exposed to this distortion of reality, i'm not sure that it helps. i love Dove for making this ad, and promoting self-esteem, but the issue goes so much deeper than just Hollywood's distortion and promotion of beauty. women have been attacked, mistreated, abused, and oppressed since the fall of man (isn't it interesting that we call it the fall of man, yet so many people try to blame the woman for it? just a thought). i'd like to think that finding the root of the problem would provide a solution... but i've read about it... i've thought about it... i've tried to address it in my own life... and i still feel like crap. it's harder to be a woman than it looks. it's hard to walk confidently and have inner beauty when you feel like trash, and when according to many (or even just one) others, you are. but then, it's hard to be a man, too, i'd think, because the view of men in our culture has been twisted and distorted as well. i realize that i haven't actually said anything about what i think the root of the problem is... if you're interested and want to probe into the source from which my thoughts on the subject stem, i recommend reading this book. or this one.

meanwhile, i'm stuck - still hurting - and wondering if it's ever going to stop. it sucks that a man can treat a woman badly and she can still hurt, still feel the effects of it for so long after. i suppose the same can be true of a man who has been hurt... but i'm not a man, and this is my blog. therefore, in my current experience, i am realizing that my view of myself, of God, and how i relate to others of the male persuasion have all been influenced by this one guy, this one pain (which actually stems from multiple events) that i'm still carrying with me. i want to be rid of it. i want to believe that i'm beautiful, that i'm worth something - not just nod my head and smile when inside my heart is actually breaking. i just don't know how...

she's bombared with lies
exhausted she lies in her bed
with this ache in her head and her heart

when he leaves how she cries
she feels defeated tonight
clinging tight to the truth you have placed in heart

she cries, go away leave me alone, i am different now
they still treat me like trash but that's not who i am
You have called me Your own - i'm Your chosen crowned one of song

there's a battle she fights
it's a struggle to find 'who i am' in the midst of 'who i was'
will she make it all right when they still treat her like nothing's changed?

she knows it's real, she knows You're faithful
but how she feels is that she wasn't made for
anything great but that's just not true
she was made for You

so go away leave me alone, i am different now
they still treat me like trash but that's not who i am
You have called me Your own - i'm Your chosen crowned one of song

he made her feel worthless, but You gave her worth
she was broken to pieces, but You heal her hurt
he left her deserted, but You take delight in her heart
You placed love and strength to fight

to say, go away leave me alone, i am different now
they can treat me like trash but that's not who i am
i'm a child of the King and his love is singing over me...
go away leave her alone, she is different now
you will not take her back, you will not thwart my plan
I have called her my own - she's my chosen Crowned One of Song

writing...

2007-02-19T01:16:00.000-05:00

i'm not good at it. or maybe i am, it's just that it takes me forever to form my thoughts into concise, coherent sentences, and so i avoid having to write at all costs. unfortunately, being a college student, not to mention a communication major (how did i end up in this field?), this is a difficult task. so here i find myself in procrastination mode because i have a paper due tomorrow. why don't i just write it and be done? because that's too easy. if i want to keep up my persona of hating to write, i have to make the writing process hateable.

the way to do this is really quite simple. first, you wait until the night before a paper is due to even consider what the assignment entails. then, you do everything else that you possibly can to avoid beginning the assignment. blogging (although it is a form of writing, which incidentally would coincide with zefrank's advice on procrastination- to do "small solveable tasks that are related to but not identical to the thing that's being put off" in order to get the "illusion that you're getting closer to the thing you're trying to avoid") works well for this. then, when it's almost 2am and you're dead tired and still haven't begun, you feel like crap. a sense of panic and nausea washes over you, and you wish that you were actually ill so that you wouldn't have to go to class tomorrow. it also helps if your finger is badly injured from a freak knife fight accident, making it difficult and even painful to type. yep, i pretty much hate writing right now.

but while we're on the subject... i was thinking about how i manage to write songs, when this "words" thing is so mentally taxing. i mean, really, i hate writing, and sometimes i even hate talking (i feel awkward in conversational settings) because i don't have the words to express myself. i'm not a rational being. i'm emotional. i can't help it, don't hate or blame me for it, it's just how i am. i have deep thoughts and deep feelings, and i lack either the vocabulary or the mental capacity to form them into words. but i can write music... song lyrics... forms of poetry... but i can't write actual poetry. i admire people that can. i love reading a sentence that embodies everything i feel about something. "yes! that's just it!" it's a beautiful feeling to realize that someone has expressed in a sentence what you had been mulling over for months. it's "i'm not the only one who feels this way" and "why couldn't i have thought of that" rolled into one.

speaking of writing songs and damaged fingers... (you know this is where i was going all along) 2 weeks ago i began composing a song from a poem that i wrote 5 or 6 years ago. (senior year of high school. oh yeah.) we had to write poems for english class, and i struggled with it, of course. except that one day in october of the previous year, just sitting in my house, inspiration had struck me and this poem had been born. (that's how i write songs i guess... inspiration strikes like lightning and i hope it stays bright enough long enough for me to get a whole song out, otherwise i end up with the 5 billion half-written tunes that fill my notebooks) my teacher didn't know that i didn't just write it so i used it for class. anyway, i turned it into half a song... with no chorus yet... and then a couple days later i sliced my finger open with a very sharp knife (yet another reason to loathe and revile cutco) while cutting roses for our valentine's day fundraiser. there really is nothing worse than getting a deep gash in one of your more important fingers while trimming roses for some other woman with no hope of even getting any roses for yourself; as well as being rendered helpless to play guitar or piano, one of the only things from which i derive joy; and not to mention the immense amount of pain i experienced for the entirety of the week.

so, here's the poem, the one poem i've written, and i'll stop now - both the complaining and the procrastinating.

in the kingdom of my mind
confusion reigns
fear and doubt and secret pain
held inside these castle walls
built so strong they cannot fall
but my forces are weakened after attack
flaming arrows, battering rams
i am about to collapse
falling to my knees
i plead
for mercy, peace and love
it comes.

stuck in a day like a runner with no race. are you afraid your joy has been misplaced?

2007-02-02T10:44:00.000-05:00

i didn't feel like going to class this morning, so i baked a cake instead.

i've been in school for 2 weeks. already i have skipped 2 classes - once last friday, and one this morning. already i am burnt out. already i am counting down the days until break (26). already i am sleep deprived and unable to focus... on anything. i can't even focus on relaxing.

these are the things i would like to do (in no particular order):
1. take a long bath (a hot tub would be nicer but i don't have one at my disposal)
2. get a massage
3. sleep for days (preferrably 107)
4. bake (it's so comforting)
5. leave
6. play the piano (grand piano, big room, just me and the muses, for hours)

these are the things i have to do (in no particular order again):
1. go to class
2. write papers (loathsome)
3. study
4. sorority
5. people
6. theatre (tech work... 40 hours...)

i wish there were someone or something that could make me feel like i wasn't here.

panic attack

2007-01-21T02:59:00.000-05:00

this happens to me every time i have to go back to school.

college has just not been a very good thing for me. i won't get into a debate about whether or not i should have even gone to college... i'm almost done so it's pointless to think about now. but every semester - seriously, every single one - i feel horrible right before it begins. this feeling usually creeps in the day/night before i have to leave. when i realize, in a sudden wave of panic, that i am not ready. no, i don't just mean i'm not packed yet - although that is usually the case. i'm just not ready. and there's nothing i can do about it. but it terrifies me.

i feel completely inadequate. i feel unprepared. (especially unprepared this time because of this silly play which i don't even know if i should be doing or not) i feel... fear. completely irrationally, but unavoidably, fear. it grips my mind so that i can't think clearly. and so i lie on the couch watching television instead of doing the things that are necessary just so i don't have to think about ... it. school. fear. whatever. and then i panic more, and want to kick myself in the head when i finally give up and go to bed, knowing full well that tomorrow is going to be hell because i still have five zillion things to do and zero time left to do them. and i still am not ready.

but ready or not, here it comes. and tomorrow i'm going to have to throw my belongings into some bags, pack up the car, and drive myself to grove city. and when i get there i'll have to unpack everything, talk to my roommate whom i've barely spoken to all month, probably have a meeting or something... but all the while my mind will be racing. panicking. and i'll want to curl up into a ball and cry. hide. sleep and not wake up until may.

maybe i'm schizophrenic. that would make this play easier to do... but i'm scared of that too. because i don't have enough memorized yet, because i don't know if i can do it, because i'm doubting my abilities, because it seems like an enormous task and

my very poor eyesight happened to see something across the room that had not been there before - a book that my mother purchased for me, and a card that says "why not go out on a limb? that's where the fruit is."

i never really climbed trees when i was younger. there was one tree in our neighbors yard we'd sometimes climb... but we weren't really allowed. then after their house burnt down, we could climb it without getting yelled at. but i never went too high. i was cautious. i was safe. i didn't take that many risks. maybe it has something to do with being the oldest sibling and having to help care for my little brothers and sister and being given more responsibility at a young age. or maybe fear has just held me back most of my life. i could argue that sometimes fear is good - keeps you from doing something stupid - like climbing a tree and falling out of it. but the truth is that fear is not the same as wisdom. wisdom will keep you from being impulsive, from climbing a tree too high or when the branches are too weak, etc, and falling out of it. fear will keep you plastered to the ground, staring up into the branches, wishing you could just take one step towards it.

right now, i'm afraid.

how do i stop it?

happy birthday to me

2007-01-16T04:16:00.000-05:00

i am twenty-three years old today.

i like odd numbered years best. prime numbers are even better, my dad says. i hope he's right. i don't really remember being 2 or 3, or even 5 or 7, although i think i had my first friend birthday party when i was 5 (at burger king). apparently eleven and thirteen weren't memorable either... since i don't remember them. 10 was the big deal back then. two whole hands. on my tenth birthday, i got a doll house. my uncles bought it for me. when i was a little bit older, i redecorated it - painted the furniture, put in wallpaper and carpet and hung pictures on the walls. it was fantastic. i never had people in it though - just the mapletowns. no one ever knows what the mapletowns were when i mention them. i think the show used to be on after the little koala. ha... that was probably like twenty years ago. wow.

perhaps it's the birthdays right before prime numbers that are significant (10, 16, 18... but not 22. 22 is lame.) because on my 16th birthday i was given a surprise party. (i also remember getting a lot of matchbox cars that year...) it was several weeks after my actual birthday and i wasn't expecting it at all...
my mother said we were going over to my grandparents' house because grandma had made donuts. when we got there i only noticed my uncle's car, and complained because they always were there whenever we were. i was completely shocked when i walked in and everyone yelled "surprise!" also slightly mortified. you always wish you'd have expected something like that... so that you could have looked nicer. of course, at 16 i was still in a somewhat awkward stage, so it might not have helped. (what am i talking about? i'm probably still awkward now. sidenote: isn't awkward a wonderful word? it looks so appropriate for its meaning. i like that.) anyway, there were no donuts. i was quite disappointed. they shouldn't have lied like that.

19 was an interesting prime number birthday... it was 2003 and i was in colorado doing my DTS with YWAM Denver. i made my family celebrate my birthday before i left. my middle school friend brittany came to the party because we had intended to get together while she was home from college, but the decision to go to YWAM happened fast... i remember feeling conflicted because i had to sit and talk with her, but i really wanted to be spending time with my boyfriend. it seems ridiculous now. i never want to be that relationally exclusive again. anyway, my actual birthday happened to be the same as another girl in my small group, so our leader - amy jacks! - blindfolded and decorated us and took us out for breakfast. and then later heidi took me out to coldstone. mmm. it was weird not being at home for my birthday... that was the first time. when i turned 21 i had to go back to school on my birthday. that was not fun. not a good birthday.

so, now i'm 23 and i won't be a prime number again until i'm 29. i can't imagine being 29. good Lord. that is so old.

i don't really know how i actually feel about being 23. birthdays seem to be losing significance already. i celebrated with my family on sunday and it wasn't very exciting. i only got 5 candles. (2 blue + 3 pink = 2 3. what kind of logic is that?) and i don't get any exciting presents anymore... certainly no dollhouses or american girl dolls or the full house board game (i think i got all those presents when i was 10 and 11. those must have been "the days"). i did get some socks though. i feel like my dad. he always gets socks, but usually white ones. mine had menorahs and stars of david on them - hanukkah socks! my mom thinks it's funny that i said i wanted to be jewish.

in the 23rd year of my life i will do the following things:
1. perform a one woman show (eek!)
2. graduate from grove city college with a BA in communication
3. go to south africa
4. become a famous rock star
5. decide what to do with my life

ok... so, the last 2 are probably lies, and number 3 is tentative... but i think the first two are pretty noteworthy accomplishments for this year. after all, i'm in my prime.

matching

2007-01-12T15:36:00.000-05:00

i think it is wonderful that i can change the colors on my blog template. i like colors. and i like that i can make them match with my picture. please note that the blue background of the page is the same color as my eye in the photo. yay! i like matching. (please don't think i'm crazy) and for those of you who are reading this through an rss feed, too bad. :-)

yesterday i spent the day with my newly married friend in pittsburgh. if i live in a city i hope i never have to drive. i know some people who love it and who can just magically find their way around all the one way streets and confusing intersections and bajillion bridges... i am not one of these people. however, the place she lives is very near somewhere i've been before, so i found it with no trouble.

we had tea when i first got there. strong irish tea with sugar in the raw. i've developed a habit with tea recently... it's lovely to drink chamomile late at night, before bed, with a nice conversation. my favorite tea is chamomile... it used to grow alongside of my grandparents' house and i'd always play along there and smell the tiny white flowers and pretend they were magical. never picked them though. it was forbidden (which made them even more intriguing). my mom would make chamomile tea for me when i was a girl, so i guess i just developed a love for it. i also remember having tea with my other grandma whenever i was there - english tea, of course - because that side of the family is traditional american (welsh and german heritage).
[it's funny how the things we ate as a child influence what we like now... like if you ask someone whether or not they like cottage cheese and they say "no, it's disgusting," they probably never ate cottage cheese as a child. try it. i could be wrong.]

she and i went to panera bread for lunch. panera is a place i've been only a handful of times in my life... kind of like starbucks. i don't like franchise types of places that try to be cool. don't get me wrong, starbucks coffee is very good and i like it. i'm just not the kind of girl that wants to pay 5 dollars for a coffee every day, or multiple times a day. and if i'm going to go hang out in a cafe, i'd like to find one that's not mainstream... that has musicians come in to play acoustic sets, and warm lighting, and comfy chairs, and little round tables near the windows, and intriguing artwork on the walls, and maybe some old books lying around, with really good coffee, and pastries that were made fresh that morning, and all the artistic types in the area know about it, but regular people don't often go there because it's like a secluded escape from the real world, to enter into a realm of beauty and art, to read your faerietales and drink your magic potions and soak in a siren song that drives your heart toward your dreams and just... catch your breath. because life is too busy. and places like starbucks and panera bread are too busy. for me, at least.

the rest of the day we just talked, and she forced me to read my play (the last flapper) while she did sudoku, and we made fudge (really simple and really yummy), and talked more... and it was wonderful. i'm really glad i went to see her, even though i ended up being gone much later than i anticipated. i left after 10:30p and once i got on the highway, i returned a call from my friend amy, which would have been fine, except that when i had to get on interstate 80, there were trucks around me and i could see the signs clearly so i just got off and kept driving... for half and hour... in the wrong direction. this is only one of the many reasons why you should not talk on a cell phone while driving. i finally noticed i was going the wrong way and pulled off the first exit i came to. and panicked. i couldn't see the signs to get back on 80 and i couldn't see anything because it was pitch black with no street lamps. but i found it and i made it and i got home at 12:30a. ridiculous. hilarious. and so stupid. i promise i'm not an airhead... sometimes i just have a problem with focus. i get distracted too easily. and i think too much. often not about what i'm supposed to be thinking.
but you should love me anyway.

merry day after christmas

2006-12-26T13:06:00.000-05:00

the day after christmas is always a little bit disappointing, and a little bit boring... but this year it didn't even feel like christmas, so today just feels like another day. a day when i happen to have a lot to do.

besides laundry and cleaning my room (which somehow became a disaster area in the 4 days i was home before christmas), i have to attempt to get together with my cousins, and pack because i'm leaving for kansas city (missouri) tomorrow morning.

i see these particular cousins about once a year, maybe twice if someone has a birthday party, always on christmas eve... and then we always say how we should hang out more and we make an effort to hang out once more after christmas... before we all go back to our separate lives and don't talk again until the next year.

and then i'm kansas city bound... for onething... i hope it's good... driving 12 hours in a car with people i barely know. thrill.

LATER: it is about 4 hours after i wrote that other stuff... i had to pause this post because my crazy uncle wanted to go to the mall, so i went with him. i exchanged a shirt and got another one i like better. the lines were long, there were too many people. i don't like people that much... no, not people, crowds. i don't like crowds. it's called agoraphobia.

things i still have left to do today = laundry, cleaning my room, watching a movie with my cousins, baking cookies with the fam, eating dinner, packing, sleeping. it's 5pm.

home at last

2006-12-20T19:23:00.000-05:00

i made it through finals... tuesday was a horrible day with 3 finals. i almost had a panic attack walking back to the apartment from my first final. i've felt like crap for 3 days now... just very shaky, and i'm not entirely sure why. even when i was relaxing in a bath today (first bath i've had since i was probably 10 - but jacquelynn gave me bath salts and things for christmas so i thought it would be a good way to relax but...) it was kind of hard to breathe and i felt a little light headed. i still feel like that now... and tired.
i'm glad to be home... but i'm virtually friendless and tonight i am bored already. my siblings don't want to hang out, and the couple friends i do have are either too far away or don't answer their phones. thrills.
i guess i will be reading the last flapper tonight since i have to memorize it by the end of january. ridiculous. 55 pages to learn... if i could do 2 pages a day it would take about 30 days. right now i am thinking, what did i get myself into? but later... i think it will be worth it.

four finals for me to finish

2006-12-18T15:44:00.000-05:00

(screams)

it was a great weekend. really great. and now it's 4 o'clock on monday afternoon and i'm beginning to realize that i am going to fail my finals. 3 finals tomorrow. THREE. and i have not studied for any of them. this is bad.

the worst part is, i don't care. i don't want to study. i could probably not study and still pass all my classes. i would much rather hang out with friends, or sleep, or make some music (haven't done that in a while).

the only class for which i would like to study is greek... but that final isn't until wednesday morning. ah, wednesday... beautiful day when i get to go home and leave this imprisonment for a month of wonderful relaxation... only 44 hours until this dream becomes a reality.

except that i might have to memorize a play over break... that will take more discipline than i've ever had in my entire life. excellent.

i'm basically just wasting time right now. that's why this post is so stupid.

if you have any good ways to distract me more from studying, let me know. i'm game.

tagged by laura

2006-12-18T15:43:00.000-05:00

My darling little sister made me do this thing... so...

Tag Rules: Once you've been tagged you have to write a blog with "six weird habits/things about yourself." At the end you need to choose six people to tag and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment that says you've been tagged to tell them to read your blog.

1 i think soda pop tastes better when it is a little flat.

2 i had a very vivid imagination. when i was younger i thought there were demon wolves under my bed and had to construct a laser shield to protect myself from them.

3 i like the nazis. ok, not really... but world war 2 fascinates me.

4 i want to be jewish.

5 i "played pretend" until i was 17. i'd still do it now if i could.

6 when i eat lucky charms i leave all the marshmallows and eat them last. when i eat fruit loops or skittles i have to eat the colors i don't like first and leave only ones i do... yellow, green, orange, purple, red. (blue is last for fruit loops)

i'm not going to tag other people because a) i don't know any other people and b) i hope no one reads this because now that i think about what i wrote, it's a little weird... and then when i think about all the things that i could have written but didn't, it's even weirder and i realize that i am.

more important than

2006-12-13T04:04:00.000-05:00

friday night we stayed up until almost 3 talking to each other on IM and watching this video. you've probably already seen it, but i hadn't. it's so funny i couldn't breathe.

saturday night we didn't do anything, but we still stayed up until at least 3 talking and acting weird. though that last part was mostly just me.

sunday, when we realized that we really needed to do our school work, we spent 2 and a half hours at subway, 1.5 hours checking email/showering/dressing/etc., went to the christmas candlelight service (the only good thing about it is the fire part... mostly it was just boring), and to our sorority meeting. after that we again proceeded to stay up late doing nothing productive.

monday night we had to lay the law down about procrastinating, so we went to see casino royale at the guthrie. it was very good. at first we were the only people in the theatre, but then other people came... that was disappointing. then we talked and acted crazy again (and again it was mostly me being crazy and she just laughing at me)... until i had to finally crack down and work on my "paper" and memorize lines. (the lines were for a scene today - from 'night, mother - and it wasn't the best scene i've ever done, but at least we remembered the lines in time for the performance.)

tonight, tuesday night, (i believe it should be the same day until you go to sleep and wake up again) we further neglected our studies, invited a friend over, i made these weird baked donut things, and we listened to music and talked... it's 4:20am.

i've taken a shower and i've thought about doing some studying... hebrew final on friday is not looking bright (actually none of my finals are looking that fun)... but i'm starting to fall asleep at the keys, so good night all and to all a good night... but not before i say that our friendship means so much to me and because i knew you... i have been changed for good. the past 5 days have been so much fun, even though perhaps we didn't do all that we should have. here's to more good times! (love you)

12 days and counting...

2006-12-08T00:34:00.000-05:00

tonight i am questioning whether i will make it to the end of the semester. it's not even that i have 5 thousand things to do before then, because i really don't. i have to read another play. i have to do a scene. i have to write a paper about the scene (gotta remember that). i have a few quizzes. it's really not that bad...

but i'm just so tired.

and then there are finals, of course. i have 3 finals on one day, tuesday, and one on wednesday morning. this sucks.

also, this thing keeps happening where i don't wake up for class in the morning when i have important things to do in that class, i.e., an exam or a presentation. twice this has happened. for the same class. and the thing is, i don't care that much. i care a little right when i wake up and realize i'm late or i've missed class completely, but then i'm like - oh well, what can i do, i don't care.
i'm just waiting for this semester to be over.

i've realized something tonight...

2006-11-27T00:26:00.000-05:00

i'm lonely.

happy christmas thanksgiving.

2006-11-23T11:29:00.000-05:00

i get confused a little bit about what holiday it is because they have all the stuff for one holiday out before the other one is over. seriously.

so, who will be going out to the malls and stores tomorrow at some ungodly hour? not i, she said. i almost wish i were... i told my sister i would take her to the mall (which incidentally has been remodeled and is quite nice as far as i've seen it) but she wasn't interested. sometimes i'm not sure if she likes me very much.

anyway, it's probably better this way because i don't have any money. would you like to know why i don't have any money? well, last friday i was in the middle of cooking, cleaning, packing, and listening to music when there was a loud pounding on my apartment door. "housekeeping!" said a man's voice (since i go to grove city college and men are not allowed in the women's dorms/apartments except at specified hours of the day, this was a strange occurrence. but the cleaning person for colonial hall is a man). so... i opened the door and there stood not one but two men. "is jackolyn hondosh here?" no, she's not here right now. "well, she owes for a cable bill, and if you don't pay i'll have to turn off your cable." (this is where i should have said, go ahead and turn it off because i don't have time to watch television anyway, but i didn't - i wasn't thinking; i was very distracted) how much is the bill? "one hundred and eleven dollars and thirty four cents." hold on... (i go to my room to find my checkbook to see if i even have that much money in my checking account) i'll just pay it now. (i write a very painful check for one hundred and eleven dollars and thirty four cents and give it to the mean cable man. he leaves. i almost cry because he just stole all the money i was going to spend on things to wear.)

ok, so i didn't almost cry, but i was a little bit mad, because once i had a second to clear my head and think about what happened, i realized that we had gotten a cable bill some time ago, and that it was for a large sum of money that we did not think appropriate for a cable bill that is supposed to be 40some dollars a month (which, in itself is a freaking ripoff - but we're not going to go into that here). "jackolyn" said that she was going to call the cable company... which she obviously did not. i should have asked him how the h e double hockey sticks our bill got to be over 100 dollars. but i was busy and i wanted him to go away. maybe j paid the first bill, but they didn't associate it with our account because they spelled her name like some kind of pumpkin instead of a normal human name, so they charged us again. i hate companies. and i hate companies that have stupid people working for them. i especially hate stupid companies with stupid people WHO STEAL MY MONEY!

speaking of television, i watched this delightful film on the classic movie channel yesterday. charade, it was called - with audrey hepburn. lovely. i also watched the rundown, first wives club, the family stone, and prison break yesterday. i know that sounds like a lot of movies to watch in one day. i had them playing on my computer while i was sorting/cleaning in my room. it's still a mess, by the way. i got sort of distracted by the time i watched the rundown since i had never seen that one. it wasn't bad. THEN josh and i went to the "family video" rental place at almost midnight to get a movie. we got 4. i don't know what he watched... but i watched a beautiful little movie called enigma. i picked it up because kate winslet was on the cover and i like the word "enigma" so i read the back. the name "tom jericho" made me stop because it suddenly sounded just like this book i read called enigma (what else?) by robert harris, who also wrote fatherland, which i love as well. i love the nazis. just kidding. i like world war II books though. and i like historical fiction. and i liked this movie. kate winslet wasn't very pretty in it, but she wasn't supposed to be. and the guy - tom jericho - was the prince from Ever After (dougray scott). i rather like him, i think. it's hard to say. he's no colin firth - oh! we watched some of bridget jones's diary as well. haha. yes, i am aware that my life is wasting away.

anyway, the point of this was to say, happy thanksgiving, and be thankful. i am thankful. for a lot of things that i will not mention here because i've already rambled on for a ridiculously long time.

rememberies

2006-11-17T12:45:00.000-05:00

in honor of my favorite anonymous commenter (assuming it is just one person), i have decided to post this poem by Lewis Carroll.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe!

"Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought --
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back

"And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy

`Twas brillig, and the slithy tove
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

Oh, lovely. it even came with a picture.
Now. i do not really like this poem. in fact, i don't like it at all. i remember that people used to talk about it all the time in ArtsExcel - that, and Monty Python. (do not think that i don't like Monty Python just because it is associated with something i don't like - although i do think that it is sometimes funnier to watch people quote and reenact the MP sketches than to watch them on video) i was not familiar with The Jabberwocky at this time, and often wondered about the significance of the word. i wasn't motivated enough to look up the poem... maybe i didn't know it was a poem. this was like 6 years ago. and i was, after all, homeschooled for those couple years. anyway, it wasn't until i got to my junior year of college in "oral interpretation of literature" that i was exposed to the ridiculousness of this poem.

Oral interp was a good class. there were people i liked in it - beth, neil, allan, chris. we all sat in the back row, and dominated the class in performance. seriously. there were a few other people who were quite good as well - amanda something comes to mind, her scene from 'night mother was great, and robbie hackman. allan was my favorite, especially when he did oh the places you'll go! by dr. seuss. love that book. oh, this class was also the first time i was exposed to harry potter! rachel did a reading from the beginning of the sorcerer's stone and i was completely captivated. happy times.

anyway, at the beginning of the semester we had to memorize Jabberwocky and somehow i forgot to memorize it... we might have had a quiz and i might have failed it... but then i remember i had to learn it anyway because we were going to recite it in the next class. i hated it. so much nonsense, i couldn't remember the words. (plus i was trying to learn it like the day of) i don't remember it now. there are some things you memorize and never forget... like songs. i can remember songs from when i was a kid that i haven't heard for years. or scripture - a long time ago i started to memorize the book of james and i still remember it (as much as i learned at least). i thought about learning the rest, but james just doesn't do it for me anymore. i'm just kidding.

once i memorized this poem called "the fool's prayer" by edward rowland sill. i recited it at my ArtsExcel audition, and apparently impressed the guy. i don't remember that guy's name, but he vaguely reminds me of dr. smith... who always makes me think of agent smith, even though there's no resemblance. back to the poem - i recited that for oral interp as well. it used to be my favorite poem. i think i put it into my poetry book in 9th grade too... oh, that project made me so mad. mrs. andrew was such a strict grader. only 1 person had ever gotten a perfect score on this book. it was for english class - we had to have a certain number of different kinds of poems and type them up and decorate each page and put them in plastic sheets in a binder. i worked hard on it. i'm a perfectionist. i redid pages if i messed up. i got a 98. danielle - girl who competed with me the whole year for grades and then was mean to me by the end of the year - got 100. i was ticked. hers was not nicer than mine. grr.

i got bitter about things like that. like, when i was 11 and wanted this solo (a duet with my favorite uncle) in the church christmas play and instead this girl named heidi kracker got it. what kind of name is that? c'mon. then the next year i was cast as "mindi" until this spoiled girl's parents called and complained because she didn't want her part. she wanted to be mindi. so i got screwed.

maybe i should forgive these people. it's probably not good to hold on to things for that long. but i have trouble letting go... especially when i've been hurt. but i'm learning. and i'm trusting. and i realize that if i don't let go, those wounds will never heal.

and with that, i think i will end this post, which was a lot longer than i expected. if you actually read it, congratulations. you win a prize. you'll have to come visit me to get it though... because i might not know who you are.

oh yay!

2006-11-15T10:13:00.000-05:00

1. 3 days until break! actually, 54 hours! so that's really only like 2 days and 6 hours! can you tell i'm excited?!

2. i totally forget what else i was going to write about in this post...

3. i have to memorize some lines because luke and i are doing a scene for Shakespeare class today. it should be funny... as long as we don't screw up. :)

4. i'm really tired.

5. ok, i'll stop writing pointless things now. maybe i'll write something just slightly more interesting soon.

veteran's day

2006-11-11T13:09:00.000-05:00

i don't really know many veterans personally. i thought about going down to the VFW today to hang out, but figured that wouldn't be good since i'm not actually a veteran... although lately i feel like i'm fighting this huge battle.

on wednesday, brad told me that this next little while of time was critical... maybe that's why i'm being attacked so freaking much. every day, especially the past 3, it's been an intense struggle between who i was and who i am, and it's killing me. no, that's not true... it's just hurting an awful lot.

thank God he has already won.

inside out...

2006-11-10T00:03:00.000-05:00

i'm very close to changing this blog's settings to only accept non-anonymous comments. i don't know if any of you are familiar with the frustration that goes along with reading an anonymous comment about something you wrote - maybe it's just me - but when it's a mean comment, you get upset because why couldn't they just have the balls to leave their name? and when it's a nice comment, you think i wish i knew who this person was so i could like them more. please, don't make people (or at least me) go through this kind of torment. just leave your name. or at least a pseudonym so i have something to think about other than my frustration at not knowing who you are. :)

i will be spending this weekend mostly alone. sometimes this is necessary - times of solitude to just relax or to study. i generally enjoy being alone, but this weekend there is this nagging feeling of loneliness. my roommate is going to visit her boyfriend at cornell, along with a few other people, and this is the first time i'm not going with her. there are a lot of reasons for this and i won't go into them now, but i feel kind of sad...
changes in life, no matter how good, seem to always be accompanied by some feeling of loss - - - bittersweet.

"everlasting - your light will shine when all else fades
neverending - your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart
is to bring you praise from the inside out
oh, my soul cries out"

it's only monday...

2006-11-06T10:37:00.000-05:00

...and it feels like friday. :( this is very bad. i am so freaking exhausted. last night we stayed up too late because i was trying to pick out names for jacqui's future children. she didn't like most of the suggestions... mr. incredible, lucius, octavius... so finally we (and by "we" i mean "i, while j was laughing and telling me i was ridiculous) came up with Xavier, Peter, and JeanGrey. i told dean and he didn't seem too thrilled... i don't know why, i thought they were great names.

today i am reading julius caesar and tomorrow i have a debate for persuasion theory and next week i have to do a scene for shakespeare class and, really, i'm just tired of it all. i believe i've already mentioned this in this blog. ...12 days until thanksgiving break...

it's going to be good. jake is coming to visit and i'm excited because i miss him. i don't have friends anymore... i don't fit in anywhere. every group of people with whom i am acquainted just - - i don't know. i just feel like i'm on the outside. and it's lonely. but jake and i were close last winter. and then we weren't. lauren and i used to be close as well. and kristen and i. and jacqui and i. etc etc etc and now everything is becoming obsolete. it really is making me look forward to 7 months from now when i graduate and move away and have zero friends not even acquaintances. maybe i should put out some want ads...

WANTED:
a friend.
or two, or three.
should have an interest in at least one of the following:
music, movies, nature, adventure, travel, theatre, having fun.

that's pretty thorough. i should be getting a lot of responses from the millions of people who read this blog. now, while i'm waiting for those, please excuse me while i load up on chocolate covered espresso beans and black cherry vanilla pepsi jazz and try to stay awake long enough to finish 20 more pages of julius caesar. excellent... a story about betrayal and back-stabbing friends. just what i need.

happy guy fawkes night.

2006-11-05T21:01:00.000-05:00

remember, remember, the 5th of november
the gunpowder treason and plot
i know of no reason why gunpowder treason
should ever be forgot.

i feel like i should blow up or burn something...
but i already did that on friday. :)

i love movies

2006-11-05T00:30:00.000-05:00

if you didn't know (and if it wasn't obvious from the title of this post), i love movies. i love watching them. it's like visiting another world for awhile, letting yourself get caught up in it. movies make me feel... different depending on what kind of movie it is. today, i saw the departed and it made me feel crazy. it was a trip. but i liked it. i also liked the music in it by the dropkick murphys. fabulous.

ok, so then tonight we didn't have anything else to do so we watched underworld, which was a little strange until we realized it was like romeo and juliet. i laughed at a lot of parts... why are there no new stories? everything is just a remake of something that happened before... i guess that's just proof of ecclesiastes 1:9 --

What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

18 days until Thanksgiving break

2006-10-31T14:56:00.000-05:00

i'm getting tired of going to class. last thursday i skipped all my classes to watch walk the line and sleep. walk the line was great. my roommate hated it and told me not to watch it because it was the most boring movie she'd ever seen... but i've a predisposition to like johnny cash and it was fascinating to watch a film about his life.

on monday, i skipped all my classes to carve a pumpkin for the gamma sig's contest and to watch harry potter. this was the second time i've ever carved pumpkins in my life. it was awesome. and then i fell asleep for a few hours.

why am i so tired? why is class suddenly so boring? why am i counting down the days until thanksgiving break?

it's this mid-semester burnout that happens and you just get tired of doing school. the short fall break never helps because it's not long enough to get anything done.

plus, it's raining today. and it's supposed to snow on friday.

anyway, speaking of films... i also saw the guardian on saturday night. excellent film. really. see it. and i watched V for vendentta on monday night... another very good film. it's been awhile since i've seen any good movies (this summer all i saw was x-men) and all the television shows i watch are getting sillier so it was nice to watch some things that were well-made. if you have any other recommendations, leave a comment. i love films.

2006-10-17T12:05:00.000-05:00

i will love you, Lord, always - not just for the things you've done for me
and i will praise you all my days - not just for the change you've made in me

but i'll praise you for you are holy, Lord
and i'll lift my hands but you are worthy of so much more

for You are awesome, God of the Nations
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages
Alpha, Omega - worthy of all praise
more than these hands i'll raise
i'll live a life of praise...

i will serve you, Lord, always for you are my Strength when i am weak
and i will never be afraid for you are my Rock and you protect me

but i'll praise you for you are holy, Lord
and i'll lift my hands but you are worthy of so much more

for You are awesome, God of the Nations
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages
Alpha, Omega - worthy of all praise
more than these hands i'll raise
You're worthy of my praise
more than these hands i'll raise

FOR YOU ARE AWESOME, God of the Nations
Lion of Judah, Rock of the Ages
Alpha, Omega - worthy of all praise
more than these hands i'll raise
You're worthy of my praise!

home coming

2006-10-16T10:17:00.000-05:00

grove city college's homecoming weekend is over. i am glad. i was very stressed.

our float was amazing though. we won third place but we should have won first. i think that there must have been some shady dealing going on. either that or the judges are blind.

and now in a couple days i get to go home for our short fall break. i can't wait. although i have to write a paper and i don't have any exciting plans, i will be so glad to be home for a few days. for some reason, i appreciate/like home much more this year than any other.

i won't have a car when i come back from break... this is going to be bad/make eating a little difficult since we won't be able to go to the store very conveniently. oh well. maybe i'll just go on a fast until thanksgiving break. it's only a month...

maybe i can post some pictures of the float later. but for now i have to go study for the shakespeare midterm that i'm going to fail.

again

2006-09-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

A Vagabond Song

THERE is something in the autumn that is native to my blood—
Touch of manner, hint of mood;
And my heart is like a rhyme,
With the yellow and the purple and the crimson keeping time.

The scarlet of the maples can shake me like a cry
Of bugles going by.
And my lonely spirit thrills
To see the frosty asters like a smoke upon the hills.

There is something in October sets the gypsy blood astir;
We must rise and follow her,
When from every hill of flame
She calls and calls each vagabond by name.

...i think of this poem every fall. if you were to look at my old blog archives from every fall since jr. high, i'd probably have posted this poem and talked about how autumn makes me feel restless. it's something like spring fever, except in the fall... and a little different... deeper, maybe.

sometimes i think i have seasonal affective disorder.

i won't attempt to explain further because i can't. fall does something to me... and so far i haven't been able to figure out how to quench it. maybe i have some gypsy blood in me and need to get out, get away, get somewhere other than here... this is not possible, however, being constrained by the necessity of education. and maybe that's why it turns bad. i have no outlets - i have to keep it contained - and then i explode inside... explode? or just... shrivel up and die? maybe that's why i get SAD. no outlets... no time... no place... no one...

really really tired

2006-09-25T11:42:00.000-05:00

i've realized it's been an incredibly long amount of time since i've posted. i don't think many people care. but this is because a) i am extremely busy and b) i started writing somewhere else that you cannot find because i felt like writing without thinking that other people were going to read it. those posts are probably more interesting than these ones because of it, but still i'm keeping it to myself for now, unless you're cunning enough to discover it somehow on your own. so about the busyness... i dropped out of several things that i wanted to do this semester (e.g., gcc news, the musical) because i didn't have time. classes are keeping me very busy with studying. it's amazing because i actually am studying and sometimes i actually want to. the sorority is also keeping me extremely busy since i am in charge of building the homecoming float. it's stressful, but i enjoy doing it - it's a creative outlet, so i'm glad for it.
this week i have to perform a scene for world drama and i don't know my lines very well yet. we've only practiced once. one acts are this week and i have to go. it is sad that i was not in them. and then it's like i'm being punished for being rejected because i have to write a paper in response (for world drama). that doesn't seem fair.
i went home yesterday to celebrate my grandparents' anniversary with my family. it was lovely. i missed them. plus, my grandma gave me tons of food to bring back... steak, lasagna, pasta soup, meatballs/sauce, basket cheese, fresh figs and green beans from their garden, and then uncle anthony threw in some frozen corn and pillsbury cookies as he sarcastically claimed that the only reason i came was to get food. i love my family.
prison break is on tonight and i still have not seen last week's episode. this is upsetting me. but, the show is getting a little ridiculous anyway... i will still watch it because i love michael scofield :) but i think it has the potential to become like Lost... they draw it out so much that it becomes stupid and then i don't want to watch it anymore. grey's anatomy, however, is still phenomenal and i wish i could watch it every day and not just once a week. it rips my heart out. very cathartic.
oh, and if you want to see my hair cut, here it is finally: it hasn't been short since 9th grade. i like it... i needed a change. anyway, it's time to get back to work. i hope you enjoyed this post. maybe.

nothing important

2006-09-03T23:50:00.000-05:00

i cut off my hair. (well, i didn't physically do it, someone else cut it off for me. but it's short.)

also, i miss my calendar. (i had this lovely "italy" calendar that i bought in january and i rather liked it but somehow it got lost after i moved home last spring and i haven't been able to find it. every so often i think of it and feel sad.)

i don't feel like saying anything else right now.

second day of classes

2006-08-29T15:57:00.000-05:00

this post will not reveal my deepest thoughts and feelings because i don't really think that you, reader, either care or need to know why i returned to The Apartment feeling discouraged and overwhelmed after classes today. instead i will resort to a plain ol' boring exposition of my day.

CHAPEL was ridiculously boring. i should not have gone, but at least i only have 14 left...

PERSUASION THEORY is one of those required communication classes that i will surely hate, although Mrs. Craig swears we will love the book we must read: the tipping point by malcolm gladwell. it probably is good. it's the "persuasion" part of this course that scares me. i am still not clear on what it entails, although the phrase "papers and presentations" doesn't make me all that eager to find out. also, Mrs. Craig intimidates me in some way. i'm not afraid of her... maybe it's the fact that she directs the musicals/plays and she's never cast me and i'm not sure if she likes me or not because you can't really tell and it's my senior year and i really really want to be in the musical and i'm really afraid i'll be disappointed (again). ok, i guess that was something of my thoughts and feelings, but we're done with that now.

we got cable today. it costs millions of dollars, but it's too distracting to watch our shows in the lobby. also, too risky, as there's only 1 public television in the building. i can't wait for grey's anatomy to start.

i spent $247.93 on books this semester.

WORLD DRAMA should be a fun class, except that i don't know many people in it, which makes choosing a scene partner difficult, as with Shakespeare. both classes have so much reading... at least it's interesting material.

one act auditions are on friday. musical auditions are next thursday. i'm trying not to get my hopes up. but if you have any suggestions for a good broadway song i could sing, let me know.

first day of classes

2006-08-28T11:58:00.000-05:00

Fall semester has begun. It is my senior year and today was (duh read the title) the first day of classes. So, like many others in the blogging world I will now post about the classes I am taking.

HEBREW - I am THRILLED about this class. The professor is new to Grove City - and is of Scottish descent which = fabulous accent! Plus, he seems very interesting, humorous, and, of course, knowledgeable. I knew from the moment class began that I would not be dropping this course as I had originally considered.

GERMAN, however, did not pique my interest as much. Herr Cole is great... but I just don't have a burning desire to learn German. I would like to learn German, but the challenge of having 2 languages, neither of which I am the least bit familiar, back to back with many exams/quizzes on the same days, plus Greek on top of that, seems a little much to take. Besides that, I sort of really want to take Shakespeare, so, sadly, I think German might have to go.

Later...
I emailed Dr. Dixon and went to SHAKESPEARE today to help my decision along, and decided that I would indeed rather take this course than German, even though it does involve more writing. Dr. Dixon loves Shakespeare and it's always great to take a class which a professor loves teaching. Plus, the romance of Shakespeare appeals to me (I don't mean actual love-romance, I mean "a mysterious or fascinating quality or appeal, as of something adventurous, heroic, or strangely beautiful" -american heritage dictionary).

GREEK wasn't as exciting as Hebrew, but I've wanted to learn it for so long that I couldn't pass up what could be my last opportunity. Sure, I could say I'd learn it after college, but I probably wouldn't. Now or never. The downside of this class is that it occurs at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and takes up the very last slot for finals (december 20 -ick). Oh well.

All in all, the first day was pretty good. The fifteen minute walk to and from The Apartment, as I have decided to call my new place of residence, would have been more enjoyable had it not been raining all day, but then, this is Grove City we're talking about here.

can't sleep

2006-08-15T02:02:00.000-05:00

i can't sleep.

too much on my mind.
want to write songs.
want to know things.

i have insomnia.

last night i couldn't sleep either...
not until like 4am
and then i woke up early from a crazy
dream i had about
you.

i wrote 3 songs in the past 3 days,
but i can't record anything because
my brother is living in that room
until he leaves for school on thurs.

i'm really tired.

does anyone want to be in my band?

mistakes

2006-08-12T13:08:00.000-05:00

in 14 days i will return to grove city college to begin my last year of school. as i ponder this event, i wonder if it was a mistake to attend gcc. i have been, for various undisclosed reasons, miserable for most of my time there; i have a major that i don't care about; i still have no plausible ideas for what i'd like to pursue as a career... rock star, actor, cake-decorator, designer - grove city college has offered me nothing in the way of preparation for these careers. but do i regret my decision? i do not doubt that the reasons behind my choice of college were somewhat flawed. but how can i know that i would have been better off anywhere else? i cannot.

this summer is almost over and as i reflect on the past 3 months, there seem to be a slew of mistakes. perhaps it was a mistake for me to be in West Side Story. perhaps it was unwise to choose theatre over work, to choose passion over practicality, to waste money that i didn't have and spend countless hours driving back and forth for one fleeting moment onstage. and maybe if i had chosen a different path, i would not have made so many other mistakes along the way... maybe there would have been less hurt, fewer regrets, fewer tears. but then, i would also not have learned the things that i did.

that's the thing about making mistakes... if you're humble enough to admit you screwed up and take a good look at how and why, then you can change. you can grow. you can learn, and you can avoid making similar, potentially more serious mistakes in the future.

i'm not always good at expressing my deepest thoughts and feelings in words, so i can't type out a concise list of everything i've learned in the last few weeks, but these quotes sum it up in a very vague way:

. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. -FDR
. It seems all attempts to avoid pain lead to greater amounts of pain. -MC
. We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. -Kenji Miyazawa
. There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought. -Laurence J. Peter
. You have to fail in order to succeed. -Angela Boehm
. I've never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don't understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now. -Sophia Loren

. The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing. -John Powell

summer...

2006-07-21T22:03:00.000-05:00

...it's almost over. 14 days until West Side Story opens (I anticipate being very bored after the first weekend of august). 37 days until classes commence. and then my last summer will be gone...

I say "my last summer" because after this I begin my senior year of college. after this, summer will no longer be a separate entity, meant for my pleasure and enjoyment. the days, the seasons will just all run together once I start this thing called "job," on my way to the life called "career" and then maybe even "marriage" or "family" (the latter two of which I don't even want to think about at this point). ANYWAY... my point being: I have not had nearly enough fun this summer for it to be almost over. The reason for this could be a) my lack of friends, b) my lack of funds, c) the lack of fun things to do in ohio, or d) all of the above. However, there have been a few redeeming moments of good old fashioned summer fun and it is the intention of this post to share them with you avid readers of my pathetic blog.

Exhibit A: The Zoo.
this is my sister and I at the zoo. we're sitting on a large turtle sculpture. and then we saw real turtles that were actually that big. this is my new favorite animal: the clipspringer. isn't it cute?

Exhibit B: Canoeing.
here are my cousin Kristen and I canoeing. we did not tip over. we made it all the way... we did, however, float a lot. it was very relaxing... and exciting at times - like when we ran into a tree, and when we saw a pirate flag, and got stuck in some lilypads right where an old man was mowing his lawn, and when we had to go through the rapids (ok, they were very small rapids but they required intense concentration and expert manuervability nonetheless).

Exhibit C: Pigroast/Fireworks/Drive-in.
These events are all grouped together because a) they were with the same 3 wonderful people, and b) we didn't take any pictures... how stupid of us... I mean, seriously! because now when I try to make this wonderful post about my summer, I cannot share with my readers the incredible experience that is Jacqui, Dean, and Todd. Next time, bring a camera, please.

Exhibit D: Campfire and Swimming.
this is a picture of Kristen, Amanda, and I at Kristen's house for swimming and fire. (mmm...s'mores) Jake (whom, if you're reading this, I now miss), Matt, Joe, Kristen and I were in the pool until like 5am. excellent fun.

so, as you can see, I'm having simply heaps of fun... at least, 6 days out of 50-some. :-) most of the other days are taken up by West Side Story. perhaps I'll have some pictures of that sometime soon and you, dear reader, can get another glimpse into my fabulous life. until then, keep it cool... or hot, whichever you prefer... for 37 more days.

for fun

2006-06-19T21:10:00.000-05:00

oh, i found this survey on a friend's blog and felt like doing it because i haven't done one for awhile. it's funny how we like to fill out surveys about ourselves... as if other people care . i think the purpose of surveys is more self-gratification than anything else. also, sometimes it's nice to look at yourself on paper, find out what you think you are or what you would like to be. anyway...

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4:
(the Lord will bring about for Abraham) "what he has promised him." Genesis
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. what doyou hit?
the wall of my bedroom
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
friends and this ridiculous summer show called falcon beach (simultaneously: i have television ADD)
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
10:13
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
10:12 (ooh i'm good)
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
a fan in someone else's room, people moving around downstairs
7. When did you last step outside?
around 8p because i heard a cat mewing loudly on our porch; it ran away when i went outside (that was my intent)
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
katie's LJ and other people's blogs
9. What are you wearing?
glasses, white tank top, black hoodie jacket, black shorts
10. Did you dream last night?
yes... it wasn't good. i don't usually have good dreams -they're mostly distressing
11. When did you last laugh?
my mother was trying to convince the sister to go to Curves with her (because they're doing this thing where you get points if you bring your daughter). i said i would go, but mom said it only counted for teenagers and that the women who worked there knew how old i was. "pretend i have a twin" i said. it was a few moments before i realized that my twin would be the same age as me. "i'm sick" was my excuse for this incredibly blonde moment. obviously hair dye does not cover a multitude of sins.
12. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
pictures, a clock, a bulletin board, the amazing bookshelf i made
13. Seen anything weird lately?
well, a week ago, i saw a dying squirrel on the road. it was very disturbing.
14. What do you think of this quiz?
i think it's wonderful. just the kind of pointless entertainment i needed.
15. What is the last film you saw?
in the theatre: X-Men (liked it) and The Break-Up (hated it); at home: Resident Evil 2 (i watched it alone and wasn't even scared at all - a feat for me - until i stepped out of my bedroom door into the dark hallway)
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy?
a piano, a guitar, a recording studio, a car, and many many clothes
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
i like black olives and strawberry milk (but not together)
18. If you could change one thing about the world:
the whole world? or just mine?
19. Do you like to dance?
oh, yes
20. Do you like George Bush?
i guess... i don't actually know him so it's kind of hard to tell if i would like him or not.
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
maybe Ariana
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
i don't know anymore
23. Would you ever consider living abroad?
definitely... although i wouldn't really want to go by myself
24. What do you want God to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
well done (also, i'm not really sure about this pearly gates thing)
25. What emotions are you feeling at this very second?
does physical exhaustion count as an emotion? i'm sick... so i feel like crap.
26. What is on your mind right now?
you
27. Who was the last person you liked in middle school?
in middle school? why does this matter? ...randy mason
28. Do you wish you could change the past?
sometimes...
29. what made you fill in all this stuff?
extreme boredom

FIRSTS
First job: babysitting
First real job: HA. um, rite aid, i guess
First school: Great Beginnings Preschool
First funeral: great aunt frieda
First pet: Red, my betta fish... he died this year
First piercing/tattoo: ears, when i was 2
First enemy: myself
First big trip: Niagara Falls when I was 9 - that was big for being 9. Denver/Thailand/Australia in 2003.

LASTS
Last car ride: olmsted falls for rehearsal on sunday
Last library book checked out: the blind assassin by margaret atwood
Last beverage drank: water
Last food consumed: strawberry cake
Last phone call: jen in texas
Last time brushed teeth: a little while ago
Last CD played: west side story
Last person talked to: in person - my mom or dad; online - jen
Last soda drank: black cherry vanilla coke from rehearsal on thursday
Last ice cream eaten: mint chocolate chip last night - a pint (yes, i know i'm fat)
Last jewlery worn: i'm wearing earrings/eyebrow spike, but i haven't put any other jewelry on for a few days

PRESENT AND PAST
First thing you thought of when you woke up this morning: i'm sick
What were you like as a child: good
What do you want to be now: something
How many cars have you had: i sort of have one now
How many boy/girl friends have you had: 1
How many people have you kissed: ...a few
How family oriented are you: i like my family
Last thing you thought about before going to sleep last night: you

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU...
Told someone you loved him or her: last night
Hugged: last night
Were sick: right now (sore throat which is making my head hurt, and the rest of my body is following suit)

oh, to be a kid again

2006-06-09T12:01:00.000-05:00

Today, at age 22, I rediscovered swinging.

I went to bed last night with intentions of waking up this morning to go running at the track because a) I feel like I'm getting fat, b) I need to get in shape, and c) exercise is just good for you. But I woke up this morning slightly disturbed by a perplexing dream that led me to remember some things that caused the tiniest bit of emotional distress... however, I uncharacteristically ;-) channeled this emotion into motivation to run rather than not (people do change).

Running lasted all of two minutes. And then I walked for 30. It was good to walk, and think. And while I was walking, I was suddenly gripped by an ardent desire to swing. 'Why not?' I thought. 'The park is right down the road.' So onto [my] bike and off I went.

When was the last time you swung on a swing? Like really swung - high? (I think I was on a swing once last summer, but it consisted mostly of sitting rather than all out swinging - before that, I can't remember) Do you remember what it was like as a kid to swing? It's incredible! You feel like you can do anything! "Look, Mom! I can touch the sky!" You had competitions with your brother to see whose feet could go higher: "Mine went up to the top of that tree!" "Oh yeah, well I can reach that cloud!" And looking at the shapes in the clouds... oh, there's so much "scope for imagination."

It's so freeing... I felt good, like really good - better than I've felt for a while. I got into this rut after a couple weeks of being home from school and I didn't feel like doing anything because everything I 'had' to do was too overwhelming to me. But on that swingset, I remembered what it felt like to know you could do anything - "unlimited, my future is unlimited..." - and I forgot for those brief moments how inadequate I usually feel.

At one point, a little girl ran over to the swings and pulled herself up on one, called for her mother to come push her (she didn't), and then just sat there for a little while before running off again. It's ironic that when we have so many dreams, so much hope, so much faith that our lives will turn out beautifully that we can't do anything about it... and by the time we can, we've lost so much of that innocence - naivete, maybe, but we're better off with that happiness than with what replaces it. But the thing about youth and happiness is that they're fleeting. Complacency and aimlessness take over for passion and ambition. Your childhood dreams are shot down by real life. It doesn't happen all at once, just slowly as you mature, change, learn how life works, learn that you don't always get what you want, that you don't have what it takes to be an astronaut or a movie star - you haven't had the right opportunities, you don't know the right people, or maybe you meet someone and decide you just want to settle down with him/her but then it doesn't work out and you're left alone having abandoned your own pursuits and not knowing what to do. Who ever reflects on their life without one regret, without a memory of a dream they left behind or forgot or couldn't acheive?

Don't get me wrong - many people do achieve their dreams, and I'm not saying that we lose every bit of motivation as we get older, but something is lost. I think of the majority of people I know and how their lives are just... mediocre. Jobs they don't like that aren't going anywhere... because you have to pay the bills and care for your family, etc. etc. etc. and I don't want it! The idea of just going through life and doing what life requires of you and living a routine frustrates me. I feel extreme restlessness and frustration over my lack of ambition and loss of childhood dreams... not the loss of specific dreams I had as a child - I don't still want to be an author - but the loss of that type of dreaming: wanting something and knowing that you can achieve it because for you the possibilities are endless. Now, I am easily discouraged and frequently hopeless. Avenue Q's "maybe you'll never find your purpose, lots of people don't" makes me want to cry. . .

I long to accomplish a great and noble tasks, but it is my chief duty to accomplish humble tasks as though they were great and noble. The world is moved along, not only by the mighty shoves of its heroes, but also by the aggregate of the tiny pushes of each honest worker. (Helen Keller)

He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth's beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction. (Bessie Stanley)

Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content. (Louis L'Amour)

Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other one thing. (Abraham Lincoln)

Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it -- but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor. (Oliver Wendell Holmes)

a post for commenting on

2006-05-11T10:00:00.000-05:00

From When Harry Met Sally:

Harry Burns: You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally Albright: Why not?
Harry Burns: What I'm saying is - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally Albright: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: No you don't.
Sally Albright: Yes I do.
Harry Burns: You only think you do.
Sally Albright: You say I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry Burns: No, what I'm saying is they all WANT to have sex with you.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: They do not.
Harry Burns: Do too.
Sally Albright: How do you know?
Harry Burns: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally Albright: So, you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry Burns: No. You pretty much want to nail 'em too.
Sally Albright: What if THEY don't want to have sex with YOU?
Harry Burns: Doesn't matter because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Sally Albright: Well, I guess we're not going to be friends then.
Harry Burns: I guess not.
Sally Albright: That's too bad. You were the only person I knew in New York.

Harry Burns: Would you like to have dinner?... Just friends.
Sally Albright: I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends.
Harry Burns: When did I say that?
Sally Albright: On the ride to New York.
Harry Burns: No, no, no, I never said that... Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends.

I'm inclined to agree... but what do you think?

a VERY good day

2006-05-07T01:37:00.000-05:00

it's time for a new post! why? because i just had an amazing day, possibly the best day all year.

first, i totally rocked auditions this morning/afternoon. then, SIGMA DELTA PHI FREAKING PLACED SECOND IN GREEK SING! and, I GOT THE PART OF ANITA in west side story.

spent all day singing and dancing and triumphing over the forces of evil... i'd say it was a good day, wouldn't you? and that's all i have to say.

a new post for you

2006-05-01T03:52:00.000-05:00

happy first of may! (why is it so cold?) yay for exploring uncharted territories and lying in the middle of the road! and only 16 days left of school!

leave a comment and tell me what i should write an actual post about.

recently

2006-04-04T15:33:00.000-05:00

i have recently taken to eating those little packets of instant oatmeal dry. don't ask why. i have no answer. they taste all right though... better than the cafeteria food anyway.

i've realized recently that i listen to just a few songs incessantly until i discover a new one that i like. i don't know why i do this, but these are the things i like right now:
1. marc broussard has very intriguing style and great voice. "home" is my favorite so far.
2. the veronicas. they're from australia. i can't resist it. i like "everything i'm not" because i identify with it. "
3. i also like this song from the pussycat dolls. i know, i know - i should be anti-pop/hiphop/r&b but "beep" is just hilarious. plus, the lead singer really does have a good voice.
4. something corporate has also been on my playlist a lot lately - they don't have a music myspace though. music myspace is a good thing, in my opinion. i think i'll get one sometime soon.

i also recently (as in, last night) watched American History X. if you have not seen this film, you should. seriously. it was incredible (albeit, violent and slightly disturbing in certain parts). i have nothing else to say about it because my mind still processing all the thoughts it evoked. just watch it.

recently, recently...

i feel like i lost a lot of time somewhere. i know i didn't, but... i have a lot of memories that keep coming up from a time that is so completely different from now... and it feels strange. it feels like these things could have happened yesterday, yet it's been - 5 months, a year, two years - a long time. it's a little like deja vu, except when you come out of it you realize that everything is different now and whatever would have happened previously isn't there anymore. i'm not explaining it very well... i don't think i can. feelings are like that - occasionally inexpressible within the restraints of language. that's probably why i dislike writing...

"i'm having the day from hell. it was all going so well (before you came)
and you told me you needed space, with a kiss on the side my face (not again)
and not to mention (the tears i've shed)
i should have kicked your (ass instead)
i need intervention, attention to stop temptation to scream

baby, everything is ef'ed up straight from the heart
tell me what do you do when it all falls apart?
gotta pick myself up, where do i start?
cause i can't turn to you when it all falls apart

don't know where i parked my car. don't know who my real friends are (anymore)
i put my faith in you - what a stupid thing to do (when it rains it pours)
and not to mention (i drank too much)
i'm feeling hungover (and out of touch)
i need intervention, attention to stop temptation to scream

can't it be easier? can't i just change my life?
cause it just seems to go bad every time
will i be mending another one ending once again?"

...which is why i let other people say it for me.

why i love this show

2006-04-03T11:23:00.000-05:00

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world the secret of his success. Never leave that till tomorrow, he said, which you can do today. This is the man who discovered electricity. You think more people would listen to what he had to say. I don't know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, sometimes the fear is just of making a decision, because what if you're wrong? What if you're making a mistake you can't undo? The early bird catches the worm. A stitch in time saves nine. He who hesitates is lost. We can't pretend we hadn't been told. We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time, heard the damn poets urging us to seize the day. Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves. We have to make our own mistakes. We have to learn our own lessons. We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until we can't anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."
- Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy

revelation

2006-03-29T20:58:00.000-05:00

this is what i should do with my life.

no one reads my blog (and if they do, they don't comment)

2006-03-28T17:12:00.000-05:00

This is a picture post because I have no words save this: I love my family. Really. I miss the days when we used to gather at my grandparents' house every Sunday after church. That was when I was younger - maybe until I was 12 or so. Then it went down to every other Sunday, then to on everyone's birthdays (which amounted to at least once a month) and holidays, and now I barely see them. We get together on holidays and clump all the birthdays in a three month span together. When did we all get so busy? When did we all get so old? My cousin Olivia just turned 13. I was 9 when she was born. I miss the old days and I miss seeing my whole family together, and that's why this past weekend was so nice.

My cousin Phillip - he is now taller than me.

This is my mother. She always refuses to have her picture taken, insisting that she looks dumb in every picture. I took this one against her will and she said "see, I look dumb. Delete it." I said, "of course you look dumb! you're making a weird face instead of just smiling and taking the picture. I would look dumb too if I did that!" So then I did it... and I proved my point... maybe.

Everyone was making fun of Kristen and I for taking so many pictures of ourselves (there was nothing else to do!) but my argument is that the more pictures you take, the more good ones there are. Therefore, if you allow more pictures of yourself to be taken then you cannot complain that they are all bad.

Here is one of the pictures of Kristen and I. My uncle Anthony wanted us to take it to look like Heart's first album. (Heart, if you don't know, is a musical group from the 70s.)

Uncle Anthony is probably my most interesting uncle.

Here is a picture of him:

And here is a picture of Jake thrown in for good measure:

I think this is the end of my post. I hope you enjoyed it. I hope I get at least one comment... even if it is just from Kristen.

home sweet home

2006-03-25T15:03:00.000-05:00

I haven't felt much like posting anything the past 3 weeks. It was a stressful, everythingseemstobegoingwrong, emotionally/physically/mentally draining 3 weeks. I'm tired... of a lot of things. So, this weekend, I came home.

Home is a nice place to be. But I think I miss a lot when I am away at school. I hang out with my friends and they talk about funny things that happened. "You weren't here for that" is the usual comment directed at me. I also don't know much about what's going on with my family. I talk to my parents on the phone sometimes and email, but it seems like things get overlooked. They don't know what's going on in my life either. So, it feels weird. And I feel increasingly distanced from everyone...

I have been looking forward to the summer, hoping that it will be a refreshing time. I look forward to doing theatre (finally - I've not had the chance all semester), to having some time to write music, to being able to go to church more regularly, to hanging out with my friends. I found out last night that one of my best friends is leaving mid-July. I'm a little sad because it's hard to maintain a friendship when you don't see each other much.

Sometimes I wonder - after I graduate from college and go off on my own to wherever... will I still be friends with those who are my friends now? Sometimes I think not. You might email or call every so often, and perhaps even visit at times, but it will never be the same. I've been feeling rather alone lately, even with my friends close at hand. What might it be like living in an unfamiliar place, alone, knowing no one? I'm not the kind of person who makes friends easily. I'm not as shy/intimidated as I used to be, but I will never be incredibly outgoing either. I'm okay with that - but it makes getting to know people a little more difficult, especially in large group situations. It's funny how one can feel lonely in a room of 10 or more people.

Part of my loneliness I attribute to my suitemates who are all engaged or will be engaged soon. I feel disconnected from them on this level... and it's not quite fun some evenings when all of them are talking on the phone to their significant others... that's when I retreat into some form of escape.

I think I have an escape complex. Life gets too difficult to deal with so I just don't. I can't handle it, I don't want to think about it, so I escape... sometimes into music, sometimes movies. I did it with the entire 2 seasons of Grey's Anatomy a couple weeks ago. Watching someone else's life unfold was better than thinking about the problems of my own. This week is was Harry Potter book 6 (which was very sad, actually). Maybe it's not a good thing - I haven't decided yet - but at least it makes me feel a little better for a time and forget...

My blog posts always start out talking about something other than where they end. I guess it's just how my brain works - one topic leads to another. But this time I'll come full circle. I started out thinking about home... home is an escape too. I needed to come home this weekend - I needed to get away from the awful 3 weeks I had at school - I needed to forget about things that have hurt me recently (only to be reminded of them in very vivid dreams this morning). So, I ran away from school, came home... and still feel the pressure weighing me down. Sometimes I wish I could reverse the time and be a kid again - when home was my playground and I knew I could be anything I wanted to be - and I was. Now, home is just a few precious moments in which I realize that it's not what it once was...

currently listening to: "beep" by the pussycat dolls ;-)

in which i bask in the glory of my (short-lived) victory

2006-03-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

i feel happy for the first time in almost two weeks. that's pretty pathetic... but it's been a pretty bad two weeks. but now my papers are done and i can sleep and i can sit around and watch basketball if i want because i am WINNING THE FACEBOOK POOL I'M IN! hooray for me! oh, i'm sure it will change and i'll probably lose, or end up being mediocre somewhere in the middle, but for right now i am w i n n i n g and i feel good! also, i'm ranked SECOND in my school right now for people who made brackets on facebook. dan jeltes has more points (5) than i have, but that kid is huge like a basketball player so he probably deserves to be winning. i am going to enjoy this while it lasts because after tonight, i'm sure it will change. excuse me while i go do a happy dance.

(yes, my title format is stolen from rachel...but she is just so blogger-cool and it fit so well)

pessimism, frustration, and disappointment

2006-03-08T04:15:00.000-05:00

I have come to the conclusion in my years as a person that being a pessimist of sorts has benefits. As a pessimist, one's chance of being disappointed is significantly less than that of the optimist. If you are expecting the worst to happen (or even just not the best) then, when the best (or something better than the worst) happens, you are elated.

Exhibit A: apartment room draw. J and I were so nervous because we really really wanted an apartment, and we were preparing ourselves for the sadness and horror of not getting one and being condemned to the hellish existence which includes Harker and BonAppetit. When we finally realized that we were going to get not only an apartment but the best one possible, we were positively gleeful. We could not stop laughing/smiling. Huzzah!

Now consider Exhibit B: children's theatre auditions. I went hoping desperately to get a part. Children's theatre is a delightful experience and when I left I thought my audition had gone decently well. I thought I'd at least get something, given my experience and personal relationship with the director... WRONG. I cannot even describe the utter disappointment that swept over me when I checked the cast list the following morning and did not find my name. Understand now why I am not holding out much hope for One Acts... auditions were tonight and I'm afraid that I'll be disappointed again. Because, honestly, no matter how much I try to expect it, acting makes me happy and I love it and even the elation about the apartment will not overshadow the pang of rejection. Plus, I was already having a bad week.

Rejection is an awful thing. Probably one of my worst fears... rejection and failure. But should fear of being rejected or fear of failure keep me from doing things, from building relationships, from pursuing my dreams? Perhaps this is where my pessimism and lack of confidence (which is really another issue in itself) fall short and optimists come out on top...

Consider now an opportunity that has presented itself to me: Beauty and the Beast. J told me tonight that instead of West Side Story, her community theatre may be doing Beauty and the Beast this summer. She had been trying to convince me to audition before and was somewhat unsuccessful given the difficulties that would ensue (like the theatre being in cleveland and me not having a car), but OHMYGOSHHOWCOULDIPASSUPANOPPORTUNITYLIKEBELLE?! Yet a hurdle remains to be overcome (besides the cleveland/car thing). My pessimism/lack of confidence tells me that I couldn't do it... "you'll never get cast as Belle; you can't sing that well; there will be someone else better" (SHUT UP!) A person with more optimistic tendencies would fare better at auditions because she would know and believe that she is good, that she IS Belle, and that would show. J and many others would probably testify to the fact that confidence covers over a multitude of imperfections. Why in my struggle/desire to be perfect do I end up settling for less than that? Why do I set myself up for failure?

It's not just in theatre that this happens. It's in every aspect of life. I am trying so hard not to believe that I am not good enough. But there have been people in my past who made me feel that way, even if only by self-comparison. And now when the pressure is on and responsibilities are piling up, I cannot measure up. I feel like I suck at life. I feel like I am a failure. "Perhaps he was right," I think. "Maybe I can't accomplish anything. Maybe I can't achieve anything. I don't have any motivation. I don't have any discipline. I don't have any direction or purpose." "It's not true!" the other half of my mind cries. "You have so much potential!" Sigh... but I don't believe it. And yet I do. Ack! It's like what Pastor Allan talked about last Wednesday - faith is nothing without action. You might believe that some guy can push a wheelbarrow across a wire hanging over Niagra Falls, but do you believe it enough to get in the wheelbarrow and let him push you across? Not so much, eh?

something has changed within me, something is not the same
i'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game
too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep
it's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap
it's time to try defying gravity
i think i'll try defying gravity
and you can't pull me down
i'm through accepting limits 'cause someone says they're so
some things i cannot change but 'til i try i'll never know
too long i've been afraid of losing love i guess i've lost
well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost
i'd sooner buy defying gravity
kiss me goodbye i'm defying gravity
and you can't pull me down...
so if you care to find me, look to the western sky
as someone told me lately, everyone deserves a chance to fly
and if i'm flying solo at least i'm flying free
to those who'd ground me, take a message back from me
tell them how i am defying gravity
i'm flying high defying gravity
and soon i'll match them in renown
and nobody in all of oz, no wizard that there is or was
is ever gonna bring me down!
-defying gravity, wicked

that song is great - inspiring - and this post is ridiculously long. so i'll end now. leave a comment (seriously).

seriously, what am i doing here?

2006-02-27T00:12:00.000-05:00

i feel restless...

i dont' know what else to say
i can't describe it any other way
i'm just... ... ...restless