say what you need to say

i do believe...

2007-03-08T18:32:00.000-05:00

...i have been changed for the better
and because i knew you,

i made this wicked awesome cake for my roommate today. i love her.

just keep swimming

2007-03-20T11:21:00.000-05:00

when my first betta fish, Red, died, i left him in his bowl for weeks because i was too devastated to flush him. a month or so later, Augustus followed Red to fish heaven (i.e., wherever the toilet from our suite in west led). it was tragic. i swore i'd never get another fish.

that's what happens when you don't have pets growing up. we never did, and i never cared because i figured that 2 brothers and a sister who acted like a monkey (seriously, she climbed on everything and out of her crib all the time) were quite enough. so i grew up, and i think kittens are cute, but i would never want a cat. i like some dogs, as long as they stay outside. i'm more interested in contained pets, like turtles or lizards or fish, maybe a gerbil (we had one at our house for 2 days and it was cute) but again - i'm not so sure i'd want to take care of it/if i could handle it dying.

but now i've gone and bought 2 little fish. i was at walmart today, wandering around aimlessly. they're getting rid of their fish department. that's probably a good thing because there were always more dead fish than living ones in those tanks... anyway, a faithful walmart employee came along, asking me if i needed anything. when i inquired about the price of these lovely red rainbow sharks, he said i could have 2 for the price of 1. what a deal. i couldn't resist... i think i was particularly vulnerable because i'm not feeling well this week, i'm still lonely, and i wanted to rescue something (because i need to be rescued myself), and love something (even if it is just a fish), and needed to have some living things around me so that i could feel more alive.

ugh, just wait... i'm probably going to end up as one of those crazy cat ladies - you know the type, old maid living alone with a houseful of cats. great.

well, i'm only 23 and i'm not that desperate yet, so i guess i'll just stick with fish for now. they're cheaper. :) so, here are my little sharks (i love that they're called sharks, and i love that they're black and red - i'm on a d'phi high right now):

meet Marcus Aurelius and Annia Faustina!

like a turtle

2007-05-12T19:31:00.000-05:00

i know, i know, i'm supposed to be writing The Papers. i am. just... very... slowly...

i can't help it! i know what i'm supposed to write, i could make a general outline, but then it just takes years to actually write the sentences. i'm ridiculous. am i ridiculous?

i'm also hungry. i keep getting hungry every few hours. we don't have much (or any) substantial food in our apartment since we're only going to be here another week, but that makes it difficult to actually eat food. i bought instant mashed potatoes and a can of baked beans and a can of corn and a can of tuna today, thinking that might sustain me until wednesday. i had mashed potatoes for "lunch" and baked beans for "dinner" and now my stomach is grumbling again.

I CAN'T FINISH THESE PAPERS I WILL NEVER FINISH THEM AND I WILL NEVER GRADUATE AND I WILL HAVE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE AT THIS HATEFUL COLLEGE OR ELSE JUST DROP OUT AND MY PARENTS WILL BE SO DISAPPOINTED AND DISOWN ME FOR WASTING ALL THEIR MONEY AND I'LL HAVE TO LIVE ON THE STREETS AND BEG FOR FOOD SO MAYBE I SHOULD GET USED TO FEELING HUNGRY NOW BECAUSE IT WILL BE A MIRACLE IF I EVER GET DONE ON TIME BECAUSE AT THIS RATE I MIGHT FINISH BY THE TIME I DIE WHICH REALLY COULD BE VERY SOON BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN LIVE IF I FAIL.

whew. sorry about that little outburst.

my cousin graduated today. i talked to her on the phone and she was so excited and couldn't believe that she did it, considering how many times she wanted to quit. i hope i feel the same way in a week, but it really does seem so far off...

i need to go find some food.
i need to go find a new brain. this one isn't working very well.

F O C U S.

update:

2008-07-14T14:40:00.001-05:00

it's still hurting. even worse now.

if you're listening this is how much it hurts

2008-06-19T06:48:00.000-05:00

2008-05-30T12:35:00.002-05:00

it has been such a very long time since i wrote anything... it's amusing that when things are actually happening in life about which people might enjoy reading, i don't have time to write. and then when life is dull and boring, i suddenly turn to the blog, and create an opportunity of boredom for you, the reader. :) so nice of me, isn't it?

it's true though. the last 5 months have been, quite possibly, the busiest of my entire life. it's been stressful and challenging, but they've also been pretty darn good. doesn't look like any of that will change any time soon either. i'm okay with that.

i don't have a job right now because school ended a week ago... wait, let me rephrase that - i don't have a job that pays anything right now. i've been doing a lot of work for next valley youth movement, and i really enjoy it and wish i didn't need money so i could just do things like that all the time.

currently i've been enjoying onerepublic's album, dreaming out loud, the films once and atonement, and the books it came from within by andy stanley and waking the dead by john eldredge.

i wish i could be in a play right now. but i might be going to california for a month... in two weeks... eek. i need something to do. i have no motivation.

what did i do to deserve this?

2008-03-29T23:17:00.002-05:00

i am in such a state of shock that i am having trouble expressing the extreme happiness that i should be feeling. it's been about 7 hours and the excitement is just starting to overcome the disbelief.

i got a guitar today.

my very own guitar...
from the most amazing boyfriend in the entire world... mine.

i can't believe he bought me a freaking guitar. i can't believe that people believe in me that much that they would spend themselves to equip/enable/encourage me to go after a dream. i am speechless. humbled. so thankful.

it's an amazing guitar. i will post pictures as soon as i take some. it was my choice between two - and when i picked this one up to play it, i started writing a song, immediately (no words yet, but they'll come). beautiful.

i know i haven't written anything on this blog for a long time - that's because i have been too busy. perhaps i will update soon on all the busyness, but this was just too good of a thing not to share with the internet. :)

:) < if you could see me - the soft smile, and the way my eyes are shining - you would know how incredible this [he] is.

2008-02-18T12:07:00.005-05:00

sweet darlin'

this is my confession

to the crimes of wanting you

badly.

and darlin' if you're wondering

here's your answer:

yes, i like you

i don't love you...

i can't love you...

yet.

between the trees has some great songs. give them a listen.

I FEEL GREAT!!!

2008-02-15T12:05:00.003-05:00

aside from being a little bit sore, i feel really good this morning (oh, it's afternoon now). i kinda slept in longer than i should have, but when i finally got out of bed, i felt good... and after having a bit of breakfast with my parents, i felt great... and then i wondered if they had put something in the french toast, because i suddenly felt SO good that i was smiling for no reason and had energy and wanted to accomplish something amazing today.

so i went to curves, and worked out hard. i'm using my mother's membership for a month or so, because she just had surgery and can't do anything. and i love it, because it's making me do something, and i feel better about myself for getting some self-discipline/motivation.

you know what else i love? having someone in my life who encourages me to do more than i believe i can. that sentence doesn't even come close to explaining how good he has been for me. and it's not been easy by any means. and i don't know how long it's going to last. but i am trying to release the past, and only let the future have a minimal impact on how i live in this moment.
but he says things...that just break down walls i've been hiding behind, or at least put a crack in them. like last night, listening to "collide" on the radio: "even the stars refuse to shine" and he said "that's you right there--a star that refuses to shine." and i just stared at him, because i couldn't say anything. because it's true, isn't it?

driving home from curves, i changed the station on the radio and "unwritten" was playing --another song that i know, but never payed much attention to-- but a line caught my ear, and i listened to it, like really listened to it, and let the words wash over me... and i was so energized by it. these lyrics are amazing, and i think, maybe, it's going to be my new theme song for a little while.

i am unwritten, can't read my mind, i'm undefined

i'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

staring at the blank page before you

open up the dirty window

let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

reaching for something in the distance --so close you can almost taste it!

release your inhibitions!

feel the rain on your skin

no one else can feel it for you

only you can let it in

no one else, no one else

can speak the words on your lips

drench yourself in words unspoken

live your life with arms wide open

today is where your book begins

the rest is still unwritten

i break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines

we've been conditioned to not make mistakes --but i can't live that way!

this is what boredom does to you

2008-01-20T22:27:00.000-05:00

1. where was the first place you ever kissed the last person you kissed? on the back porch on the warmest day in january
2. what's the most exciting thing that happened to you today? after my first monologue, walking off stage in the pitch-blackout, "kate" and i had a head-on collision - walked directly into each other as she was entering... both holding glass bottles (which thankfully didn't break) and the tea in her glass spilled all over both of us! the audience gasped. wasn't the best thing that could happen during a show, but it makes a good story.
3. how many best friends do you have? i've had a lot of different "best friends" over the years, but not many of them stuck... recently, it's been the 2-3 friends i have at the current moment end up being called my "best" friends because they are the only friends i see/talk to.
4. would you rather get up early or sleep in? SLEEP IN, although there is a certain excitement about getting up early... if there is a reason for it...
5. can you tell me what you're wearing? my favorite gray t-shirt and comfy gray pants
6. do you have any posters in your bedroom? yes... they are more like pictures i suppose, but purely decorative
7. what would you change about your life right now? my employment status, my location, the way i feel most of the time.
8. would you rather smile over a lie or cry over the truth? cry over the truth.
9. what's on your bedroom floor right now? nothing! i cleaned the other day... and i think i put all the junk from today on my bed :)
10. last person you got into an argument with? probably my mother... but i don't really remember...
11. do you trust people easily? i think it depends what i am trusting them with... (that might mean no...)
12. if you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move to? redding, california. and then i'd travel the world.
13. do you think your dumb? no, but i think you are for using "your" instead of "you're" in that question.
14. could you go a day without eating? yes.
15. how much do looks matter to you? on a scale from 1-10, probably 6.
16. when was the last time you had your hair cut? in september, i think. after that i couldn't cut it because of the play...
17. does it take a lot to make you cry? not really. i could cry right now if i wanted to.
18. what's the worst car accident you've ever been in? january 2006. i fell asleep at the wheel, crashed into the median (a hill), flipped the car, crashed again. the car was completely totaled, and i barely had a scratch on me.
19. are you close with your mom? i wouldn't say we are distant, but neither are we very close... i love my parents, but i don't talk to them about too many things... trying to change that, but it's a slow process.
20. are you close to your dad? see #19
21. do you tell your parents everything? not even close...
22. would you rather be a bird or a fish? a bird, definitely.
23. if you need to go to the store a block away, do you walk or drive? if it's cold like it is now, i would drive, but if it's a nice day, i love walking.
24. does the thought of marriage scare you? oh dear. yes, a little bit.
25. how many kids do you want? zero. but if i ever changed my mind (which i hope doesn't happen) i would have to have 3 because i think it's not good to be an only child, and i hate the typicalness of having 2 kids, a cat, and a dog. plus, i just like odd numbers more.
26. what's your favorite color to wear? i like black a lot, grey, and also {teal} or some sorts of blues because they bring out my eyes. and i like red shoes.
27. who was the last person in your bedroom besides you? someone in my family... ?
28. what did you do today? went to church, ate lunch, went to my show, performed, went to my grandparents' house for a birthday party, came home, showered, talked on the phone for 3 hours, went to sleep.
29. how was last night? saturday night... what did i do... oh, went out with the cast after the show - it was enjoyable, but i was very tired from waking up so early on saturday morning.
30. do you get bored easily? if i'm not doing anything, yes.
31. what's something that really bothers you? religion.
32. did you ever want to change your name when you were younger? yeah, but i could never decide what to change it to... now i don't want to change it at all, not even if i get married.
33. do you wish you were famous? sometimes. not because i really care about fame, but because it might mean that i was making a living doing something i loved - like acting or singing or whatever...
34. could you live without your mobile? probably. you know, vince vaughn doesn't have a cell phone... if he can do it, i'm sure i could. not many people call me anyways.
35. who's the last text message you received from and what did it say? brad. it said something about praying for lee.
36. how do you like your steak cooked? medium.
37. what's your favorite song at the moment? "it's beautiful" by eleventyseven, "love song" by sara bareilles, "stronger" by kanye west, "the best thing" by relient k...
38. can music affect your mood? absolutely.
39. what piercings do you want? i would love to get my lip pierced, but i don't think that's gonna happen...
40. what tattoos do you want? if i lived in a world without pain, i would tattoo some hebrew on my hand, a star of david on my wrist, and some greek on my back...
41. have you ever been in a cave? ...i think so... i have a faint recollection of the feeling of being inside a cave, but i'm not sure if it's real or not. i would like to go in a cave, now that i am thinking about it.
42. have you ever eaten a bug? ugh. no. at least, not to my knowledge.
42. do you think there's someone for everyone? probably.
43. if you could change one thing right now what would it be? i would have large amounts of money at my disposal, or a new computer... or maybe a job that i loved.
44. when was the last time you screamed? i yell a lot in the play, but the last time i can remember just screaming just to scream was the week after christmas, sitting in a car, in the church parking lot... it's such a good release.
45. when was the last time you cried? i don't remember... probably a couple weeks ago... although i have teared up in church the past couple weeks.
46. how do you feel right now? tired & pensive...

"i'm sybil..."

2008-01-13T23:59:00.000-05:00

you have to realize that i am not an arrogant person. i'm not cocky. i don't usually think i'm better than other people. in fact, sometimes i think quite the opposite, which is actually a form of pride because you're still thinking more about yourself than you should... humility doesn't equal self-deprecation - it's having the correct/honest/accurate/truthful view of yourself. arrogance is bad, but confidence is good. and knowing who you are and what you're cabable of is even better. so, it is with the utmost humility that i say, I ROCK. :) just kidding. but seriously, i'm saying all this because i want to tell you about the newspapers' review of The Cover of Life > it was wonderful!! and i'm so genuinely honored and excited by what they said about my performance. i don't do any of this for 'fame' or to get people to flatter me - i do it because i love it, and i hope that i'm good and that i can impact people's emotions or lives through my performance. anyway, oh, can i please share this? it makes me so happy...

"Stephanie DeChant is exceptional as the third wife, Sybil, a 'modern' Southern belle who chafes at the small-town ways of her colleagues. DeChant is absolutely volatile in this fiery role, steaming up the stage in one interlude and boiling over with rage in another." (Vindicator)

"DeChant also is incredible... She has an amazing stage presence and brings a sexiness with her every time she makes an entrance." (Tribune Chronicle)

mm! who knew, right? i'm exceptionally sexy and volatile... :) yeah, i know you wish you had a piece of this hottness. i think saturday night was my best overall performance so far, which is funny because that night i was the most nervous. the reviews were done on friday night. and today at the matinee this little old lady told me i could be on broadway. haha... anyway, opening weekend went well, and now i get a little 2 day break before our wednesday package house (which happens to be on my birthday) and i'm excited because i washed my hair and it feels so nice. (i didn't wash it for 4 days because of the 40s style... kinda like method acting, i guess!) you've got 2 more weekends to come see this play, and tell me if what the reviewers said is true or not!
Love, Your Sexy Baby

letting go

2008-01-09T22:00:00.001-05:00

we had an "exaggeration rehearsal" tonight for the play, during which we were encouraged to exaggerate our characters/emotions to the extremes in order to take us an extra step deeper and let us have a good time at our last rehearsal (we were getting kind of bored performing for no audience, but tomorrow night that changes!). you know, let loose! don't hold back! as i found myself pondering this concept last night, i realized that i do indeed "hold back" in expressing myself... and not only as Sybil...

almost as if there was an unconscious stream of discouragement saying: don't speak up. don't say what you think. don't do that! people will think you're weird and awkward. don't be yourself. you are weird and awkward. don't dance. don't sing. don't let go. don't let yourself feel that. you aren't good enough for that. don't tell him that. don't give yourself a chance. don't laugh. don't cry. don't ask. and definitely don't fall in love.

WHY?

i get frustrated, thinking about this. why can't i just be myself? why can't i let go of the past? let go of fear? just LET GO (in the sense of releasing of things i've held onto and also to stop restraining myself from doing/saying/being what i want to). it's weird because there are times when i do feel confident, and feel good about who i am. i'm unique. people like me. it's not like i'm completely insecure... only a little... sometimes... :( ugh! and i hate it! and i hate that i'm always with these people who have strong/outgoing personalities (note: i don't hate the people, i love them*, obviously, or they wouldn't be my best friends) and when we're alone it's fine, but when i'm around other people with them i shrink. it's easy. i just step back and stay in their shadow, which in certain situations is okay, but usually it is not. because it makes me feel... insignificant, out of place... and i'm not blaming the others at all... i'm blaming myself - for not knowing or liking or being who i am, for not engaging other people, for letting myself disappear. i know i'll never have a dominant personality, and i don't want to... i just want to be me, and not feel so damn uncomfortable about it. sorry. sorry for this emotional vomit i just spewed all over the blogosphere. it's not really as big a deal as it sounds in this paragraph. i'm just expressing myself. i'm letting go, right? that's what i need to do more.

rehearsal actually went very well. i found that listening to dirty rap and dancing around my room really helps me loosen up and feel good... sexy. which was how i needed to feel to rock Sybil. ha! i've got a playlist of songs like stronger, guaya guaya, cyclone, yeah, don'tcha, buttons that i'm so going to listen to before every show while i shoot up caffeine. lol. it's gonna be hotttttt. ......i feel like this is borderline inappropriate to be writing for anyone to read. oh well! i'm not really being too serious. but it is hard to be sexy on stage when you don't feel like you are. why/how i get roles like this astounds me... maybe i've got something that i just don't see.

"...so let go all of your mixed emotions

forget all your hesitations..."

this post went a lot differently than i thought it would in my mind, but i'm gonna choose to let it go and not worry about how my blog isn't as philosophical or thought-provoking as i would like. who cares? .i'm such a paradox. it's ok to laugh at me. i'm laughing at myself. because, really, even with all these semi-distressing thoughts flitting through my mind, i'm happier than i've been for a while, and at least i'm dealing with things, thinking them out, and progressing instead of just bottling it up inside. i want to let go... and i will... nike. just do it. right?

*except one

how am i supposed to tell you how i feel...

2008-01-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

...i need oxygen...

that's all i've got right now. ::sigh:: for real. ::slow smile::

2008-01-04T08:26:00.000-05:00

"The boys like me as a pal but I don't believe any one will ever really fall in love with me." "Nonsense," said Emily reassuringly. "Nine out of ten men will fall in love with you." "But it will be the tenth I'll want," persisted Ilse gloomily.
-- Emily Climbs, l.m. montgomery

i am simply wild to read the "emily" books! i am so close to just buying them on amazon myself... but perhaps someone will give them to me as a birthday present (hint, hint). it is my birthday in twelve days. i think it would be lovely to have a birthday party, but whom would i invite? i don't think i've celebrated my birthday with more than 2 or 3 friends since i turned 10 (excepting that surprise sixteenth birthday party). of course, we always have a family party, but those, too, have gotten less exciting over the last ten years. anyway, i'm going to be pretty old this year... and i'll have performances on and surrounding the day of my birth, which doesn't leave much time for planning or celebrating.

the cover of life opens in ONE WEEK. i am only freaking out because I AM SICK. yes, it's true. for no good reason, i have contracted what seems to be a cold. i would love to blame it on my boyfriend... but i don't have one. i remember my college roommate coming back from break, coughing or sniffling or what-have-you, saying, "yeah... dean was sick..." and it sounded so worth it.

oh, johnny. i'm so lonesome.

we won't be back before it's new year's day - take me out tonight (meow... ha!)

2007-12-31T12:56:00.000-05:00

this is my last post of 2007. i would love to sit and reflect on the year, maybe take some of those silly surveys that everyone always posts on blogs and give you lots of useless information about my life in the 07. but i don't have time. i'm going to pittsburgh to spend the day/night with my friend shara, her husband joe, and some of his friends that i don't know. shara's very glad that i'm coming, and i'm glad too. it will be good to have a girlfriend to catch up with and talk to... i've been lacking that the past couple weeks, and it's been a really bad thing... no one to spill all the stuff about guys to, so i've been holding it all in, and i'm about ready to explode.
one thing i always think about on new years eve is the stereotypical midnight kiss. who decided that should be a tradition? and why? i have never been kissed on new year's eve, so i can't help thinking about it. is it really any more exciting than kissing at any other time? i hate that this is in my mind, but i'm a hopeless romantic, so there it is. maybe in 5 (million) years i'll find out.
anyway, i'm looking forward to 2008. i think it has a lot of potential to be the greatest year yet. celebrating the new year is so cool... to acknowledge that you get a new start, a chance to change, turn over a new leaf. granted, you could have that any time you wanted, but to be offered it like this, is kind of nice. i don't usually make new years resolutions because i know myself and know i wouldn't keep them. but it's time for some changes in my life. it's time to let go of some things, time to pick up others, and embrace life instead of letting it pass me by. ready? set. (deep breath) go.

i wrote a song last night

2007-12-28T09:14:00.000-05:00

[astonished silence]
now, you may not think that this is an incredible feat for an accomplished songwriter like myself (sarcasm) however this is the first song i have written in 4 months. i think it is amazing that i even felt like writing, because, in case i didn't mention it on this blog, i kinda gave up on music a couple months ago. after a not-so-great performance at gcc, i told myself i was done... and i didn't realize until weeks and weeks later that i hadn't since touched the piano or thought about singing or playing, let alone writing... and i would feel a twinge of sadness, and some voice that probably wasn't actually me would remind me that i couldn't do it anyway.
but this is proof that all it takes is one person to restore your hope in lost dreams. they don't even have to tell you how talented you are (you wouldn't hear that) or encourage you to pursue those dreams (you already determined their futility), but simply make you feel that you are worth spending time with, you are worth getting to know. that the well of your soul is good enough to take a drink from, the depths of it interesting enough to explore. and then you remember that you can. and suddenly you're laughing more than you have in 4 months, and then you're writing a song. :) perhaps i'll post the lyrics once i touch up the chorus a bit... or maybe i can make a bad-quality recording and post that, just so you can hear it.

just one reason i love you

2007-12-27T14:58:00.001-05:00

one thing i love about iPod (besides the fact that it fits in your pocket, can hold your entire music library, and is simply beautiful) is that it can go shopping with you, and you can feel more comfortable than you ever have felt shopping before you had iPod. you don't think so much about agoraphobia; you smile more at people because you feel relaxed and happy, listening to your favorite tunes. at least, i do.

i always hated being at the mall, or in a crowded store. but this morning i woke up at 6:30am (why? why? why? i didn't even go to sleep until 3a!) and when i had failed to fall back to sleep by 8:30, i decided to venture out into the world and return the christmas gifts that just didn't suit me. i stayed out until almost 2p - taking my time, browsing, walking, singing to myself (not out loud). i didn't mind picking out clothes, i didn't get frustrated with trying them on... i even bought a few things (no shoes though, which is unfortunate because i do need shoes). you might think this is completely ridiculous, but if you had ever been shopping with me, you would know it is almost miraculous that i had such a delightful time. and i have iPod to thank. i just knew there was a reason i needed one. now we know.

surprises

2007-12-25T15:19:00.001-05:00

i got an iPod nano for christmas! can i tell you how excited i am? i'm very excited. i realize i might be the only 23 year old person who has not to date owned an mp3 player, but now my longtime dream has come true. i wasn't sure that i liked the new nano, but now that i own it, i LOVE it so much. i must think of its name...

this was such a delightful surprise and has restored some of my childlike excitment about this holiday. my christmas 'list' this year went something like this:
MacBook, iPod (nano), Piano, Clothes, Boyfriend, Freedom from student loan debt, etc, etc... so i wasn't really expecting to get any of it. :) but now i have! and it is wonderful.

i'm going to ponder names... probably something foreign...
!!! :) !!!

the ghost of christmas plays past, and present

2007-12-23T13:56:00.000-05:00

it's almost christmas... that makes me think of a song from a christmas play we used to do at church back in the day. "whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, and i'm feeling so excited that i just can't be denying it, whoa-whoa it's almost christmas, oh i just can't wait until it's christmastime (da da da dun dun dada dun dun da)" the play was Christmas with Colby. Colby was a computer that all these kids were friends with. we danced and sang and had a grand ol' time. i was in it for 2 years when i was 11 and 12, i think. my uncle frank played Colby, and my dearest wish was to sing a duet with my favorite uncle! ...but i never got my wish. i'm still a bit sad about it, really.

we always had huge, wonderful christmas productions at church in those days, and quite talented people acting and singing in them, too. after the Colby years i got the lead in The Christmas Post. i shared it with a girl named shaina. 2 performances for her and 2 for me. it was great though. we were newsies. and we both had a crush on this young guy that was in it (of course we were like 13-14, and he was probably 18-19 at the time), and shaina dated him, and my little heart was broken. no, i guess not really broken, just a little disappointed. :)

speaking of young love and broken hearts, there are three weddings coming up next weekend... not to mention all the people getting... engaged and stuff... and i am once again faced with the lonely thought that it will never happen for me. i'm almost glad that i am unable to make it to the sunday wedding because of a double rehearsal. two on saturday is going to be more than enough, especially - well... i feel almost like sybil, asking, what is wrong with me? why am i not good enough? why do [other people] get to find romance and happiness and i am left alone with my pain?

enough with the pity.

so, tonight is the christmas play at church, and what a change it is from the plays of old. let's just say the quality of performance has decreased significantly over the years. yet, i happen to be in this one - playing a poor distraught young wife whose mother-in-law hates her. i only have about 7 lines near the end of the show. i hope it goes well for the sake of the people involved, and the audience - i am praying for a miracle. ;) maybe someday i'll go to a church that does amazing dramas - like mosaic (their dances are awesome - search youtube for mosaic church) - but for now i'll just have to look back and recall, with bittersweet fondness, the days of yore, when music and fine arts were upheld with excellence at pleasant valley. perhaps, one day, those days will return... an unlikely dream. then again, i do know a God who does impossible things.

nonsense

2007-12-17T00:02:00.001-05:00

rehearsal was cancelled today because of the blustery winter weather. i was so happy... u n t i l i realized that i had nothing else to do. all 2 of my nearby friends were going to christmas parties, and since the weather was bad, i couldn't take a long drive to see anyone else. i should have used the time productively and finished my christmas cards, and worked on lines and character development. hahahahaha. but i didn't.

i did look at all my matches on eharmony.com though. yes, i took the obscenely long personality profile, and while some parts of it described me well, i felt that others were way (or at least a little) off. i'm not actually planning to pay them money and join and meet the love of my life. i decided i want to marry a foreign guy anyway - - possibly british, or australian, maybe even irish - as long as they have a hot accent. then, if we decided to have kids, they would be adorable accent-having kids. oh, yes, so, eharmony. my cousin joined it and claimed it was hilarious to look at the people's profiles they matched you with. i didn't find it all that amusing... maybe i'm just in a desperate place where i find myself seriously evaluating every male i come in contact with for potential relationship qualities. i seriously need some friends.

i went to a new church this morning. i met the worship leader last week, and he is talented, so i decided to check it out. the music was far better than my family's church has been, but the message didn't do much for me. about 2 sentences in, i found myself wishing i was at bethel. i don't know if it's wrong for me to dislike sermons that don't blow your mind with revelation. i realize that the simple foundational stuff is important and sometimes we need to be reminded of it... but if a preacher, a church doesn't ever move beyond that into a deeper revelation of who God is and what He's saying... then -what? i mean, we're supposed to grow in faith, right? not just find a plateau of faith to hang out on for the rest of our lives. but if you never challenge people with more of God than they can handle/comprehend at the moment, then how will they ever know or want more? how will they grow? paul prayed for the ephesians to have "the spirit of wisdom and revelation so that you may know [God] better." bethel has that. bill johnson and kris valloton and the people at bethel know God (i wish that "know" was in the Greek present tense so it would mean, they are in the continual process of knowing God), and because of that, the things they say are... amazing. it stretches my realm of comprehension, my faith, and makes me want to search and discover that truth for myself, to pursue God more passionately because when i hear things i don't understand it reminds me that God is GOD and he is bigger than we realize. i could say a whole lot more about this, but it might just be all jumbly thoughts. i seriously need real people to talk to.

anyway... the main reason i started writing was to post this:
The Cover of Life at Trumbull New Theatre
January 11, 12, 13; 18, 19, 20; 25, 26, 27
Friday & Saturday 8p; Sunday 3p

also, it might be important to note that January 16 is my birthday, so be sure to send your presents to my home address, or just bring them with you when you come to see the play. :) and now i'm going to bed, even though i might not be able to sleep because i seem to have insomnia lately.

because there's nothing else

2007-12-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

i'm waiting.

right now, i'm waiting to leave for rehearsal at 6. when i get to rehearsal, i will be waiting for it to be over. this is my life.

yesterday i woke up at 4:30 in the morning. there was no reason. i just woke up, and couldn't go back to sleep. i made some christmas cards. i finally slept again from 8-noon, but it threw off the day a bit. we had a new drummer at youth group. a kid named josh usually plays and he's good and i love him, but now he's just going to run sound. i don't like this other kid - his playing, i mean. i can't even remember his name. i suppose it doesn't matter much since next week will be my last leading worship at youth. january will be filled with The Play, and i can't say whether i'll want to go back after that. the church frustrates me.

The Play is frustrating me, too, to be honest. actually, i'm frustrating me. i'm apparently doing very well. i know my lines. i know the blocking. but i feel like it's not enough. i feel like i need to be pushed to the next level... from good to stunning. i could be stunning as Sybil. leave people speechless. but i don't know how to get there. and apparently, i'm great, so that's good enough. just not good enough for me. maybe it will help when i've got costume and props. maybe. don't get me wrong - it will be a good show, and you should really come to see it. i just... i'm just... tired.

tiiiiiiiiiired. and lonely. and bored out of my mind. i wrote a christmas letter today. you know, how some people send out those newsletters to all the people they never see or talk to that tell about what they've been doing all year. i haven't been doing much, but i thought sending a nice note to some friends i don't talk with much might be nice... until my sister came in and ruined it. she said that everyone would make fun of me if i sent out a 'newsletter'. she said the reason people send them out is to brag about their kids, and i don't have any kids. she gave me a look that said i was a crazy loser. so i guess i'm not doing that anymore. i probably never will. i never really liked newsletters anyway. i mean, my mom has been sending one out with her christmas cards for as long as i can remember, so it just feels like what you do at christmastime. but i think it's kind of impersonal. then again, who has time to write a personal letter to each of your old friends/acquaintances/family members, especially at christmas, especially when you have a family, and especially when you might say the same thing to everyone anyway because what could you possibly say to someone you haven't communicated with for years except at christmas?

anyway.

i think maybe i'll go now. leave early, get a movie from the library, stop at starbucks and spend an obscene amount of money on a coffee beverage, read through my scenes, rehearse, come home, watch the movie, go to sleep, hope that somehow there will be something more exciting to do tomorrow. maybe i should bake a pie.

passing the time

2007-11-25T23:31:00.000-05:00

do you know what i did today? i sorted pennies. for real. over 2thousand 2hundred and fifty pennies. i sorted them into decades - 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s - and then i rolled them. got $22, 1 penny from every year starting in 1950, and some from before that. my oldest is from 1909. does this sound interesting? i assure you it's not. although, i am fascinated by "old" things - antique, ancient, vintage. i don't know many romantics who wouldn't rather find themselves caught up in some decade past than the modern era in which they live. it's easy to romanticize the past, even though it almost certainly was not much better than the present, and in many cases, probably worse. i suppose one could blame media - books, films - for creating a picture of the past that's more beautiful than true... but even without these depictions, i think there would still be those of us who would imagine history as pure adventure and true romance, while ignoring the mundane details of everyday life that were as real then as they are now. those are the people that write the books and make the films! and to them it doesn't matter that the past was full of pain and hardship and sorrow, because they look through all that and see a beauty that's deeper than pain, and that is what they want to show the world...... and perhaps it doesn't matter that the present is full of the same; there is beauty here, too...

and maybe the beauty of sorting all those pennies isn't in the tedious nature of the task or the fact that your back aches from hunching over for so many hours, but in the moment of childlike joy and excitement when you read the date "1944" or "1913" and gasp with delight at the treasure... the one cent treasure that's somehow worth more than that just because you discovered it, in the old jar of pennies your grandfather left you. maybe it's silly... but that's what i did.

my current celebrity crush

2007-11-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

i cannot stop watching this clip because i am a romantic and he's british and he's singing and i love the expression on his face when he sings that first verse "mm mm mm mmhmmm"

it's too bad these things don't happen in real life...

yesssss!

2007-11-10T16:19:00.000-05:00

woohooooo! just got the call. and i was offered the role of "sybil" in the cover of LIFE! this is very exciting. here is the character description: oldest, flashy, "sophisticated" or "fast" in her crowd. translation: she's a bit of a lush, probably smokes, 'sexy'... (i have a feeling it will be a bit reminiscent of "anita" in west side story) but it's a part to play, and it will be fun. the cast is 6 women and 1 man, so the dynamics will be different than i've experienced before, and i'm interested to see who else is in it. the play runs the last 3 weekends of january, so at least i have something to do for the next 2.5 months. anyway, just wanted to let all you dedicated blog readers know. :)

auditions afflictions and affections

2007-11-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

i auditioned! it went fairly well, and it was quite fun. i don't even care much about being cast, but i'm very glad that i auditioned. just taking that step towards something i like made me feel a little better about life. the play takes place in 1943, so i did my hair in a 40s style, and wore a skirt... i was, perhaps, a bit more fancy than the play would require, but i loved having an excuse to dress a character! there really is a part of me that would dress up and play pretend all the time, if only other people wouldn't think i was insane. this is why people are actors, i believe. i guess if you're performing for the entertainment of other people, it validates the fact that you've donned a costume and are traipsing around pretending to be a princess or farmer or what you will -- like a five-year-old.

sometimes i wish i were five years old again. life was good because i didn't know it could be bad. life was simple because there was nothing to complicate it. life was full of promise because i wasn't aware there were things i couldn't do. life was happy because i knew i was loved. nothing had tainted my innocence; i could dream; i could believe.

Jesus said unless you become like a little child you will never come into the kingdom of heaven. i don't think he was just talking about 'salvation' and going to heaven when we die. the Kingdom is the presence of God, and it's here already... that's why John and Jesus proclaimed "repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand." it's this Life that we aren't living unless we're in the presence of the King. "in the light of the king's face, there is life" He is gazing at us with favor, but we cannot enter it, we cannot see it unless we become like children... the purity of heart*, the unswerving belief... that doesn't mean not questioning - kids ask questions all the time - but there are some truths that don't always make sense to our rational 'grown-up' minds, but we have to accept... or we have to live a life that is less than what we were created for. i'm not trying to present any kind of coherent argument here, i'm just thinking... and i'm thinking that i'm tired of feeling dead and i'm tired of not knowing. i'm sick of doubting and i'm sick of the fear that consumes me. i would rather be consumed with Love. i would rather be consumed by something True, rather than a bunch of lies.

i know a little girl who is five, and she made up this song that has more truth in it than most of the songs i've written:

i know you're here

i know you're true

i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're here
i know you're true
i know you're my Father up in heaven

i know you're God

i know you are my Father

i know we are your sons and daughters

it's simple... but if you meditate on it and you let the reality of those statements permeate all the walls that growing up builds around your heart, you realize that this is what you wanted all your life. it's what i want to know: that i am a daughter of the King of kings; that everything in his whole kingdom is mine; that He is mine and I am his and nothing nothing nothing can change that. if i knew that - really knew it - i could do anything.
*blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.